bah-4
Original: bah-4 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (presenter, a woman with dark hair and glasses standing at a lectern before a silhouetted audience):
Presenter: For decades, scientists have proposed carbon sequestration as a means to thwart climate change. They have proposed renewable energy sources. They have proposed a less rest-intensive lifestyle. They have FAILED.
Panel 2:
Presenter: It is time to employ pure mathematics instead of engineering. We know the quickest way to sequester carbon is to take part of the Earth's surface that naturally produces methane and allow it to grow in peace. But we don't have enough surface!
Panel 3:
Presenter: It is because of oversized... no, BECAUSE of governments and corporations sacrificing long-term sustainability for short-term profit-making. But we are not going to stop! No, I'm proposing a much more direct solution: increase the surface area of Earth.
Panel 4 (a diagram of points/dots scattered with connecting lines, suggesting a polyhedron):
Presenter: Because the Earth is a garbage shape called a "sphere," it has literally the WORST surface area to volume ratio possible. Any change in its surface increases its total surface!
Panel 5 (icosahedron diagram):
Presenter: We could for instance work our way through the platonic solids: converting Earth is barely a change at all. No one will object.
Panel 6 (dodecahedron-like shapes diagram):
Presenter: From there we proceed through dodeca-Earth, to octahedron-Earth (the hardest one!), and finally pick up speed with the catastrophic tetrahedron-Earth. We could sell penthouses at the pointy tips.
Panel 7 (the rounded geometric shapes diagram):
Presenter: The only problem here is that these complex shapes require moving a lot of Earth around, which would have unknown effects on global ecology.
Panel 8 (Earth shown as a flat disk):
Presenter: ...so there is an easier way.
Presenter: Yes! Stage one: we cause the Earth to spin faster with orders of magnitude stretching it into a disk shape, increasing the total transverse volume, as much as we like, with the bonus that we develop a comparison shape for the rapidly growing flat-Earther community!
Panel 9 (a flattened/disk Earth diagram):
Presenter: Stage two: we begin digging holes through the newly thinned top and bottom parts of disc Earth, creating connectors that add surface area while connecting the hemispheres.
Panel 10 (a complex lattice/perforated torus-like diagram):
Presenter: Finally, in stage three, we enact "deepening Earth." In each fractal step, properties are used to create literally infinite surface area.
Panel 11 (a mathematical expression showing infinity arrow 1):
Presenter: The one snag here is that having infinity plants would use up the finite carbon in the atmosphere, ironically causing ecological collapse. BUT we can just use the infinite space to host infinite animals, balancing things out perfectly.
Panel 12:
Presenter: In sum, stop blaming corporations and start blaming the inadequate topology of our stupid planet!
Panel 13 (audience member raising hand):
Audience member: Questions?
Panel 14 (an audience member speaking):
Audience member: Won't gravity get weird if we're not on a sphere?
Panel 15:
Presenter: Ah yes. In that case we employ plan 2.
Panel 16 (caption over a diagram of scattered points):
Caption: BRANCH-TREES EARTH
Panel 17 (another audience member):
Audience member: Won't everyone die violently all at once?
Panel 18 (the silhouetted presenter at the lectern):
Presenter: That is a question for the applied mathematicians.
Bottom banner: BAHFest is BACK! With the Ig Nobels, Nov 18 @Imperial College London. With Michele Dougherty, Stephen B. Burgi, Matt Parker, Tracy Hand and many more. (Also: I'll be signing two things!) CLICK FOR TICKETS AND ADDITIONAL INFORMATION!
Votey:
(BEFORE YOU EMAIL ME, YES THERE SHOULD BE A LIVE FEED PUT ON BY IMPERIAL)
Presenter: For decades, scientists have proposed carbon sequestration as a means to thwart climate change. They have proposed renewable energy sources. They have proposed a less rest-intensive lifestyle. They have FAILED.
Panel 2:
Presenter: It is time to employ pure mathematics instead of engineering. We know the quickest way to sequester carbon is to take part of the Earth's surface that naturally produces methane and allow it to grow in peace. But we don't have enough surface!
Panel 3:
Presenter: It is because of oversized... no, BECAUSE of governments and corporations sacrificing long-term sustainability for short-term profit-making. But we are not going to stop! No, I'm proposing a much more direct solution: increase the surface area of Earth.
Panel 4 (a diagram of points/dots scattered with connecting lines, suggesting a polyhedron):
Presenter: Because the Earth is a garbage shape called a "sphere," it has literally the WORST surface area to volume ratio possible. Any change in its surface increases its total surface!
Panel 5 (icosahedron diagram):
Presenter: We could for instance work our way through the platonic solids: converting Earth is barely a change at all. No one will object.
Panel 6 (dodecahedron-like shapes diagram):
Presenter: From there we proceed through dodeca-Earth, to octahedron-Earth (the hardest one!), and finally pick up speed with the catastrophic tetrahedron-Earth. We could sell penthouses at the pointy tips.
Panel 7 (the rounded geometric shapes diagram):
Presenter: The only problem here is that these complex shapes require moving a lot of Earth around, which would have unknown effects on global ecology.
Panel 8 (Earth shown as a flat disk):
Presenter: ...so there is an easier way.
Presenter: Yes! Stage one: we cause the Earth to spin faster with orders of magnitude stretching it into a disk shape, increasing the total transverse volume, as much as we like, with the bonus that we develop a comparison shape for the rapidly growing flat-Earther community!
Panel 9 (a flattened/disk Earth diagram):
Presenter: Stage two: we begin digging holes through the newly thinned top and bottom parts of disc Earth, creating connectors that add surface area while connecting the hemispheres.
Panel 10 (a complex lattice/perforated torus-like diagram):
Presenter: Finally, in stage three, we enact "deepening Earth." In each fractal step, properties are used to create literally infinite surface area.
Panel 11 (a mathematical expression showing infinity arrow 1):
Presenter: The one snag here is that having infinity plants would use up the finite carbon in the atmosphere, ironically causing ecological collapse. BUT we can just use the infinite space to host infinite animals, balancing things out perfectly.
Panel 12:
Presenter: In sum, stop blaming corporations and start blaming the inadequate topology of our stupid planet!
Panel 13 (audience member raising hand):
Audience member: Questions?
Panel 14 (an audience member speaking):
Audience member: Won't gravity get weird if we're not on a sphere?
Panel 15:
Presenter: Ah yes. In that case we employ plan 2.
Panel 16 (caption over a diagram of scattered points):
Caption: BRANCH-TREES EARTH
Panel 17 (another audience member):
Audience member: Won't everyone die violently all at once?
Panel 18 (the silhouetted presenter at the lectern):
Presenter: That is a question for the applied mathematicians.
Bottom banner: BAHFest is BACK! With the Ig Nobels, Nov 18 @Imperial College London. With Michele Dougherty, Stephen B. Burgi, Matt Parker, Tracy Hand and many more. (Also: I'll be signing two things!) CLICK FOR TICKETS AND ADDITIONAL INFORMATION!
Votey:
(BEFORE YOU EMAIL ME, YES THERE SHOULD BE A LIVE FEED PUT ON BY IMPERIAL)
Alt text
A mock-scientific lecture comic. A woman with dark hair and glasses stands at a lectern delivering a deadpan presentation to a silhouetted audience, accompanied by absurd geometry diagrams. She argues that since climate solutions have all failed, we should use pure mathematics instead: because Earth is a 'garbage shape' (a sphere) with the worst surface-area-to-volume ratio, we should increase Earth's surface area to sequester more carbon. She proposes converting Earth through the Platonic solids (icosahedron, dodecahedron, octahedron, the 'catastrophic' tetrahedron with penthouses on the pointy tips), then an easier route: spinning Earth into a flat disk (bonus: a comparison shape for flat-Earthers), drilling connecting holes through it, and finally 'deepening Earth' fractally to create literally infinite surface area. She notes infinite plants would use up atmospheric carbon, but infinite space can host infinite balancing animals. Her conclusion: stop blaming corporations and start blaming the inadequate topology of our stupid planet. An audience member asks 'Won't gravity get weird if we're not on a sphere?' and she pivots to 'plan 2: branch-trees Earth.' Another asks 'Won't everyone die violently all at once?' and she replies that is a question for the applied mathematicians. A promotional banner advertises BAHFest returning Nov 18 at Imperial College London. The votey is a hand-drawn empty panel with centered text: '(Before you email me, yes there should be a live feed put on by Imperial).'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.