punching-bags
Original: punching-bags on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Guide (an angel, presenting): WELCOME TO HEAVEN, DAVE! HERE ARE YOUR FOUR PUNCHING BAGS!
Panel 2:
Dave (newly arrived man): WHAT DO THEY DO?
Guide: THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS THAT MATTER TO HUMANS IN EARTHLY LIFE. IN HEAVEN, YOU GET THEM ALL BY PERFORMING REPETITIVE PHYSICAL LABOR.
[The guide gestures toward a row of four hanging punching bags.]
Panel 3:
Guide: THIS IS YOUR HIGH STATUS BAG. THIS IS THE MORALITY BAG. THIS IS THE LOVE BAG. AND, THIS IS THE SENSE OF MEANING BAG. THE MORE YOU PUNCH EACH OF THEM, THE MORE YOU GET.
Panel 4:
Guide: EVERYTHING IS MEASURED WITH PERFECT PRECISION AND YOU CAN LOOK UP GROWTH ON A CHART. YOUR TOTAL AMOUNT INCREASES IN EACH CATEGORY WITH THE PRECISE EXPONENTIAL FUNCTION REQUIRED TO MAKE EACH DAY SEEM NEW AND INTERESTING.
Panel 5:
Dave: SO... WEIRD... YET SO COMPELLING.
Guide: WE BASICALLY STOLE IT FROM VIDEO GAMES.
Votey:
Caption: THE "EXPERIENCE MACHINE" SCENARIO IS NEVER TEMPTING UNTIL I IMAGINE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
Guide (an angel, presenting): WELCOME TO HEAVEN, DAVE! HERE ARE YOUR FOUR PUNCHING BAGS!
Panel 2:
Dave (newly arrived man): WHAT DO THEY DO?
Guide: THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS THAT MATTER TO HUMANS IN EARTHLY LIFE. IN HEAVEN, YOU GET THEM ALL BY PERFORMING REPETITIVE PHYSICAL LABOR.
[The guide gestures toward a row of four hanging punching bags.]
Panel 3:
Guide: THIS IS YOUR HIGH STATUS BAG. THIS IS THE MORALITY BAG. THIS IS THE LOVE BAG. AND, THIS IS THE SENSE OF MEANING BAG. THE MORE YOU PUNCH EACH OF THEM, THE MORE YOU GET.
Panel 4:
Guide: EVERYTHING IS MEASURED WITH PERFECT PRECISION AND YOU CAN LOOK UP GROWTH ON A CHART. YOUR TOTAL AMOUNT INCREASES IN EACH CATEGORY WITH THE PRECISE EXPONENTIAL FUNCTION REQUIRED TO MAKE EACH DAY SEEM NEW AND INTERESTING.
Panel 5:
Dave: SO... WEIRD... YET SO COMPELLING.
Guide: WE BASICALLY STOLE IT FROM VIDEO GAMES.
Votey:
Caption: THE "EXPERIENCE MACHINE" SCENARIO IS NEVER TEMPTING UNTIL I IMAGINE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
Alt text
A five-panel comic. An angel guide welcomes a newly arrived man, Dave, to heaven, presenting four hanging punching bags. The guide explains that in heaven you obtain everything that matters to humans by performing repetitive physical labor on the bags: a high status bag, a morality bag, a love bag, and a sense of meaning bag; the more you punch each, the more you get. The guide adds that everything is measured with perfect precision, you can track growth on a chart, and each category increases by the exact exponential function needed to make every day feel new and interesting. Dave says it's so weird yet so compelling, and the guide admits they basically stole it from video games. Votey aftercomic: a single caption reading, "The 'experience machine' scenario is never tempting until I imagine something like this."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.