second-coming-2
Original: second-coming-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A crowd of people stands in a stone doorway looking up in awe.
Person in crowd: "It's the second coming! At last!"
Panel 2: A bearded, haloed figure (Jesus) appears, looking down with a strained expression.
Jesus: "Guys, I wasn't gonna come back until the year 7,777, but something has got to give."
Panel 3: A man in the crowd responds.
Man in crowd: "Whaddya mean?"
Jesus: "The rate of masturbation is off the wall!"
Panel 4: Close-up of Jesus, angry and intense.
Jesus: "How can you permit this? I mean do what you gotta do but it's like you're all in a race with each other! We can't even Noah's Ark your asses because you're already drowning in your own fluids!"
Panel 5: Jesus gestures toward two people in the crowd.
Jesus: "At this point I have no choice but to hold you collectively responsible!"
Person in crowd: "How?"
Panel 6: Jesus, arms raised, makes a proclamation.
Jesus: "I'm banning all video streaming for three generations!"
Panel 7: Jesus, hanging on the cross with an exasperated expression.
Jesus: "Every freakin' time!"
Votey:
A hairy, blob-like creature stares blankly.
Creature: "Do I... do I hate these creatures?"
Person in crowd: "It's the second coming! At last!"
Panel 2: A bearded, haloed figure (Jesus) appears, looking down with a strained expression.
Jesus: "Guys, I wasn't gonna come back until the year 7,777, but something has got to give."
Panel 3: A man in the crowd responds.
Man in crowd: "Whaddya mean?"
Jesus: "The rate of masturbation is off the wall!"
Panel 4: Close-up of Jesus, angry and intense.
Jesus: "How can you permit this? I mean do what you gotta do but it's like you're all in a race with each other! We can't even Noah's Ark your asses because you're already drowning in your own fluids!"
Panel 5: Jesus gestures toward two people in the crowd.
Jesus: "At this point I have no choice but to hold you collectively responsible!"
Person in crowd: "How?"
Panel 6: Jesus, arms raised, makes a proclamation.
Jesus: "I'm banning all video streaming for three generations!"
Panel 7: Jesus, hanging on the cross with an exasperated expression.
Jesus: "Every freakin' time!"
Votey:
A hairy, blob-like creature stares blankly.
Creature: "Do I... do I hate these creatures?"
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic. A crowd in a stone doorway looks up in awe, shouting "It's the second coming! At last!" A bearded, haloed Jesus appears looking strained and says he wasn't going to return until the year 7,777, but something has got to give. When a man asks what he means, Jesus snaps that "the rate of masturbation is off the wall." In an angry close-up he rants that humanity is "all in a race with each other" and that he can't even flood the world Noah's-Ark style because "you're already drowning in your own fluids." Declaring he must hold everyone collectively responsible, he raises his arms and proclaims, "I'm banning all video streaming for three generations!" The final panel shows Jesus hanging on the cross, exasperated, saying "Every freakin' time!" — implying his crucifixion was the result of yet another such overreaction. Votey (aftercomic): a close-up of a hairy, blank-faced blob creature musing, "Do I... do I hate these creatures?"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.