patriarchs
Original: patriarchs on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A robed, hooded figure in red (the presiding patriarch) stands with arms raised before an altar bearing a triangular symbol, addressing an assembly of similarly hooded figures.
Presiding patriarch: "I call to order this colloquium of patriarchs. We come together to agree on the optimal mispronunciation of a new cartoon show called 'Shimmer and Shine.'"
Panel 2: The presiding patriarch addresses the assembly.
Presiding patriarch: "Brother Johansen. Report."
Panel 3: A hooded figure responds.
Brother Johansen: "'Shimmer and Swine' has failed to generate the desired response. I suspect 'Swine' is too obscure for the show's target age group."
Panel 4: The presiding patriarch reacts.
Presiding patriarch: "Drat. Have we had any alternative approaches. Yes, Brother Ng.?"
Panel 5: A hooded figure reports.
Brother Ng: "I attempted the phrase 'Shimmer and Shite,' but powerful non-child forces within the household rejected it."
Panel 6: The presiding patriarch responds.
Presiding patriarch: "Damn."
Brother Ng: "That's what I said, but it just made her angrier."
Panel 7: Another hooded figure speaks up.
Brother Pyle: "If I may..."
Panel 8: Brother Pyle delivers a lengthy report.
Brother Pyle: "'Shimmer and Slime,' while admittedly requiring the change of two consonants, nevertheless resulted in both comprehension and irritation on the part of 7 unrelated girls at a recent slumber party."
Panel 9: Brother Pyle continues, making a motion to the assembly.
Brother Pyle: "I ask unanimous consent to impose the slime variant on all children of the neighborhood!"
Panel 10: The presiding patriarch calls a vote, arms raised; many robed arms rise in favor, several clutching cans of beer.
Presiding patriarch: "All in favor, raise an overpriced craft beer you have hidden from your family."
Panel 11 (labeled LATER): A young girl with dark hair, mouth open in frustration, confronts a mustachioed man (her father).
Girl: "More like... Shimmer and Slime!"
Girl: "Dad! Stop! Stop it!"
Votey:
The father, now wide-eyed, throws his fists up triumphantly while the girl stands beside him looking unimpressed.
Father: "ALL HAIL THE DARK BROTHERHOOD!"
Girl: "What?"
Father: "Nothing, nothing."
Presiding patriarch: "I call to order this colloquium of patriarchs. We come together to agree on the optimal mispronunciation of a new cartoon show called 'Shimmer and Shine.'"
Panel 2: The presiding patriarch addresses the assembly.
Presiding patriarch: "Brother Johansen. Report."
Panel 3: A hooded figure responds.
Brother Johansen: "'Shimmer and Swine' has failed to generate the desired response. I suspect 'Swine' is too obscure for the show's target age group."
Panel 4: The presiding patriarch reacts.
Presiding patriarch: "Drat. Have we had any alternative approaches. Yes, Brother Ng.?"
Panel 5: A hooded figure reports.
Brother Ng: "I attempted the phrase 'Shimmer and Shite,' but powerful non-child forces within the household rejected it."
Panel 6: The presiding patriarch responds.
Presiding patriarch: "Damn."
Brother Ng: "That's what I said, but it just made her angrier."
Panel 7: Another hooded figure speaks up.
Brother Pyle: "If I may..."
Panel 8: Brother Pyle delivers a lengthy report.
Brother Pyle: "'Shimmer and Slime,' while admittedly requiring the change of two consonants, nevertheless resulted in both comprehension and irritation on the part of 7 unrelated girls at a recent slumber party."
Panel 9: Brother Pyle continues, making a motion to the assembly.
Brother Pyle: "I ask unanimous consent to impose the slime variant on all children of the neighborhood!"
Panel 10: The presiding patriarch calls a vote, arms raised; many robed arms rise in favor, several clutching cans of beer.
Presiding patriarch: "All in favor, raise an overpriced craft beer you have hidden from your family."
Panel 11 (labeled LATER): A young girl with dark hair, mouth open in frustration, confronts a mustachioed man (her father).
Girl: "More like... Shimmer and Slime!"
Girl: "Dad! Stop! Stop it!"
Votey:
The father, now wide-eyed, throws his fists up triumphantly while the girl stands beside him looking unimpressed.
Father: "ALL HAIL THE DARK BROTHERHOOD!"
Girl: "What?"
Father: "Nothing, nothing."
Alt text
A secret cabal of hooded, robed figures meets like a dark religious council in a dim chamber, the leader in red robes standing before an altar with a triangular emblem. The joke: this is a brotherhood of dads who convene a solemn 'colloquium of patriarchs' to decide on the optimal deliberate mispronunciation of the kids' cartoon 'Shimmer and Shine.' Members report field results in formal language: 'Shimmer and Swine' was too obscure for kids; 'Shimmer and Shite' angered a parent; and Brother Pyle proposes 'Shimmer and Slime,' which successfully irritated 7 girls at a slumber party. The council votes by raising overpriced craft beers hidden from their families. In the final panel (LATER), a dad teases his frustrated young daughter with 'More like... Shimmer and Slime!' as she yells 'Dad! Stop! Stop it!' In the votey aftercomic, the same dad throws his fists up shouting 'ALL HAIL THE DARK BROTHERHOOD!'; when his daughter says 'What?', he sheepishly mutters 'Nothing, nothing.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.