thin-ice
Original: thin-ice on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): SCIENTISTS MADE A STARTLING DISCOVERY.
Scientist (man at podium): The polar ice caps are melting according to a recent expedition. A hideous Kraken-form ancient part is frozen within. We must reduce fossil usage, or it will return to enslave and consume all humanity.
Panel 2 (caption): EVIDENCE WAS MUSTERED.
Scientist (with chart): You can see on this graph that the ice between us and Bothugha (sealed lord of the frozenlands) has gotten thinner every year since 1962.
Panel 3 (caption): BUT THERE WERE COUNTERS.
Skeptic: Look. If scientists can't agree whether it's definitely happening soon or definitely happening REALLY soon, how can we trust them about anything?
Panel 4 (caption): POLITICS MADE THINGS WORSE.
Politician (woman at podium): Look, global Krakening might warm some by 2030, but big oil gives huge bucks to my campaign. So those tentacles could benefit you! Even the GOVERNMENT never mentions this!
Panel 5 (caption): CONDITIONS DETERIORATED.
News anchor: ...and this summer experts predict more tentacle-strikes due to the increased number of tentacles that have started striking.
Panel 6 (caption): UNFROZEN-NESS WAS A PROBLEM FOR BUSINESS.
Businessman: The Kraken is eating into our profits.
Woman (employee): Technically he's only eating personnel, but the long-term effect is similar.
Panel 7 (caption): BY THE TIME THE WORLD UNITED AGAINST DANGER, THE ONLY OPTION LEFT WAS DECRIMINALIZING.
Scientist: I believe we can avoid a biblical-style cataclysm by blotting out the sun and pouring iron upon the waters until they become as blood.
Panel 8 (caption): BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.
(Image of a book cover) CELEBRITY ORIFICES: A GUIDE FOR SUMMER
Voice (off): Maybe in the toxic horror but cheerful manner.
Panel 9 (caption): WE PREPARED TO DIE AT LEAST.
Old man: All those years, you and our children, children would invent us. Looks like that was wrong.
Caption on panel: The end.
Panel 10 (caption): FORTUNATELY, IT TURNED OUT WE HAD BANDED TOGETHER. THE ALL ALONG.
Scientist/man: Scientists say that while swimming through the ocean the monster ingested so much plastic that it agonized and died.
Woman: And now sports?
Votey:
A single tentacle rises out of the water, with a speech bubble: "I just want love"
Scientist (man at podium): The polar ice caps are melting according to a recent expedition. A hideous Kraken-form ancient part is frozen within. We must reduce fossil usage, or it will return to enslave and consume all humanity.
Panel 2 (caption): EVIDENCE WAS MUSTERED.
Scientist (with chart): You can see on this graph that the ice between us and Bothugha (sealed lord of the frozenlands) has gotten thinner every year since 1962.
Panel 3 (caption): BUT THERE WERE COUNTERS.
Skeptic: Look. If scientists can't agree whether it's definitely happening soon or definitely happening REALLY soon, how can we trust them about anything?
Panel 4 (caption): POLITICS MADE THINGS WORSE.
Politician (woman at podium): Look, global Krakening might warm some by 2030, but big oil gives huge bucks to my campaign. So those tentacles could benefit you! Even the GOVERNMENT never mentions this!
Panel 5 (caption): CONDITIONS DETERIORATED.
News anchor: ...and this summer experts predict more tentacle-strikes due to the increased number of tentacles that have started striking.
Panel 6 (caption): UNFROZEN-NESS WAS A PROBLEM FOR BUSINESS.
Businessman: The Kraken is eating into our profits.
Woman (employee): Technically he's only eating personnel, but the long-term effect is similar.
Panel 7 (caption): BY THE TIME THE WORLD UNITED AGAINST DANGER, THE ONLY OPTION LEFT WAS DECRIMINALIZING.
Scientist: I believe we can avoid a biblical-style cataclysm by blotting out the sun and pouring iron upon the waters until they become as blood.
Panel 8 (caption): BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.
(Image of a book cover) CELEBRITY ORIFICES: A GUIDE FOR SUMMER
Voice (off): Maybe in the toxic horror but cheerful manner.
Panel 9 (caption): WE PREPARED TO DIE AT LEAST.
Old man: All those years, you and our children, children would invent us. Looks like that was wrong.
Caption on panel: The end.
Panel 10 (caption): FORTUNATELY, IT TURNED OUT WE HAD BANDED TOGETHER. THE ALL ALONG.
Scientist/man: Scientists say that while swimming through the ocean the monster ingested so much plastic that it agonized and died.
Woman: And now sports?
Votey:
A single tentacle rises out of the water, with a speech bubble: "I just want love"
Alt text
A ten-panel SMBC comic narrating, in deadpan news-style captions, a global-warming allegory in which melting ice caps free an ancient Kraken-monster. Panel 1: a scientist at a podium announces that a frozen Kraken-form ancient was found in the melting polar ice and warns humanity to reduce fossil fuel use. Panel 2: a scientist points to a downward-sloping line graph, citing thinning ice over the years as evidence. Panel 3: a skeptic in dark glasses dismisses the science because experts can't agree on the exact timing. Panel 4: a politician at a podium downplays the 'global Krakening' while citing big oil campaign donations. Panel 5: a TV news anchor reports more 'tentacle-strikes' predicted for summer due to more tentacles striking. Panel 6: a businessman complains the Kraken is eating into profits; a woman employee notes it's technically eating personnel but the long-term effect is similar. Panel 7: a scientist proposes averting catastrophe by blotting out the sun and pouring iron on the waters until they turn to blood. Panel 8: a book cover reads 'CELEBRITY ORIFICES: A GUIDE FOR SUMMER.' Panel 9: an old man resignedly says it turns out things ended differently than expected, with 'The end' captioned. Panel 10: a final report reveals that, fortunately, the monster swallowed so much plastic that it agonized and died, and a woman asks 'And now sports?' The joke skewers climate-denial discourse by swapping in a literal sea monster. Votey: a single Kraken tentacle rises out of the water with a speech bubble reading 'I just want love.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.