utilitarian
Original: utilitarian on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman (blonde, yellow jacket): I just don't buy utilitarianism! You can't reduce human morality to totting up the sum of happiness!
Man (dark hair, green sweater): Good!
Panel 2:
Man: I mean, suppose utilitarianism is "true." Like, imagine there's a moral deity who, in his book of the universe, wrote down the laws of morality, and they're simple utilitarian formulae.
Panel 3:
Man: Well, that'd be kind of depressing, wouldn't it? It'd mean we exist in a universe where it's ethical to kill one person to save five, a universe where it's "good" to be happy that an enemy of yours has died, a universe where it might be acceptable to kill Socrates if he's immiserated Athens!
Panel 4:
Man: Even in that universe, you'd much rather believe in human-friendly virtue ethics that values truth and justice -- the victory of the righteous over the wicked.
Woman: What's your point?
Panel 5:
Man: Belief in utilitarianism will make you less happy!
Panel 6:
Man: If utilitarianism is correct, the most utilitarian thing you can do is NOT believe in utilitarianism!
Panel 7:
Woman: Is that a paradox or just a proof that life is bad for humans?
Man: I like to think God has been laughing nonstop since the universe started.
Votey:
Woman: Is any of that true?
Man: I don't see how that's relevant.
Woman (blonde, yellow jacket): I just don't buy utilitarianism! You can't reduce human morality to totting up the sum of happiness!
Man (dark hair, green sweater): Good!
Panel 2:
Man: I mean, suppose utilitarianism is "true." Like, imagine there's a moral deity who, in his book of the universe, wrote down the laws of morality, and they're simple utilitarian formulae.
Panel 3:
Man: Well, that'd be kind of depressing, wouldn't it? It'd mean we exist in a universe where it's ethical to kill one person to save five, a universe where it's "good" to be happy that an enemy of yours has died, a universe where it might be acceptable to kill Socrates if he's immiserated Athens!
Panel 4:
Man: Even in that universe, you'd much rather believe in human-friendly virtue ethics that values truth and justice -- the victory of the righteous over the wicked.
Woman: What's your point?
Panel 5:
Man: Belief in utilitarianism will make you less happy!
Panel 6:
Man: If utilitarianism is correct, the most utilitarian thing you can do is NOT believe in utilitarianism!
Panel 7:
Woman: Is that a paradox or just a proof that life is bad for humans?
Man: I like to think God has been laughing nonstop since the universe started.
Votey:
Woman: Is any of that true?
Man: I don't see how that's relevant.
Alt text
A seven-panel webcomic. A blonde woman in a yellow jacket and a dark-haired man in a green sweater sit on a hillside under a night sky, debating philosophy. The woman objects that you can't reduce human morality to "totting up the sum of happiness"; the man agrees and says "Good!" He argues that even if utilitarianism were literally "true" -- written as law by a moral deity -- it would be depressing, implying a universe where it's ethical to kill one to save five or to kill Socrates if he's immiserated Athens. He says you'd rather believe in human-friendly virtue ethics, so believing in utilitarianism makes you less happy. His punchline: if utilitarianism is correct, the most utilitarian thing you can do is NOT believe in it. The woman asks if that's a paradox or just proof that life is bad for humans; the man says he likes to think God has been laughing nonstop since the universe started. Votey (small extra panel): in close-up the woman asks "Is any of that true?" and the man replies "I don't see how that's relevant."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.