clock-speed
Original: clock-speed on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A man with a cybernetically enhanced head (one eye is a glowing yellow robotic eye, half his skull is metal) stands beside a woman with red hair in a red shirt.
Cybernetic man: "Thanks to cybernetic enhancement, my brain has ten million times the normal human clock speed!"
Woman: "Wow!"
Panel 2: Close-up of the cybernetic man's head.
Cybernetic man: "Where a normal human can only second-guess their life choices, I can third-guess, I can fourth-guess, I can fifth-guess and more!"
Panel 3: The cybernetic man gestures; the red-haired woman stands beside him.
Cybernetic man: "I can even experience meta-remorse, such as eighth-guessing my decision to third-guess my twelfth-guess! Or selectively fifth-guessing all of my second-guesses!"
Panel 4: Both characters shown, the woman now looking less impressed.
Cybernetic man: "In the time I've been speaking to you, I've already considered and lamented all of my life choices seventeen times!"
Panel 5: The red-haired woman speaks, unimpressed.
Woman: "I'd imagined you would use your advanced brain for, like, mathematical theorems or poetry or something. Not regrets and self-analysis."
Panel 6: The cybernetic man points at himself; the woman crosses her arms.
Cybernetic man: "I'm not a robot. I'm a faster human. What do YOU do with 45% of YOUR brainpower?"
Woman: "You're right. God, I feel so stupid now."
Panel 7: Close-up of the cybernetic man looking apologetic.
Cybernetic man: "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be harsh!"
Panel 8: The red-haired woman with her hands on her head, eyes shut, distraught.
Woman: "So stupid! Stupid stupid stupid!"
Votey: A man with a metal/cybernetic head holds his hand to his face, looking pained.
Cybernetic man: "With my quantum processor, I can experience exponential forms of remorse in polynomial time!"
Cybernetic man: "Thanks to cybernetic enhancement, my brain has ten million times the normal human clock speed!"
Woman: "Wow!"
Panel 2: Close-up of the cybernetic man's head.
Cybernetic man: "Where a normal human can only second-guess their life choices, I can third-guess, I can fourth-guess, I can fifth-guess and more!"
Panel 3: The cybernetic man gestures; the red-haired woman stands beside him.
Cybernetic man: "I can even experience meta-remorse, such as eighth-guessing my decision to third-guess my twelfth-guess! Or selectively fifth-guessing all of my second-guesses!"
Panel 4: Both characters shown, the woman now looking less impressed.
Cybernetic man: "In the time I've been speaking to you, I've already considered and lamented all of my life choices seventeen times!"
Panel 5: The red-haired woman speaks, unimpressed.
Woman: "I'd imagined you would use your advanced brain for, like, mathematical theorems or poetry or something. Not regrets and self-analysis."
Panel 6: The cybernetic man points at himself; the woman crosses her arms.
Cybernetic man: "I'm not a robot. I'm a faster human. What do YOU do with 45% of YOUR brainpower?"
Woman: "You're right. God, I feel so stupid now."
Panel 7: Close-up of the cybernetic man looking apologetic.
Cybernetic man: "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be harsh!"
Panel 8: The red-haired woman with her hands on her head, eyes shut, distraught.
Woman: "So stupid! Stupid stupid stupid!"
Votey: A man with a metal/cybernetic head holds his hand to his face, looking pained.
Cybernetic man: "With my quantum processor, I can experience exponential forms of remorse in polynomial time!"
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A man whose head is half cybernetic—one eye a glowing yellow robotic lens, half his skull metal—brags to a red-haired woman: "Thanks to cybernetic enhancement, my brain has ten million times the normal human clock speed!" She says "Wow!" He explains that where a normal human can only second-guess their life choices, he can third-, fourth-, and fifth-guess and more, even experiencing "meta-remorse" like eighth-guessing his decision to third-guess his twelfth-guess. He boasts that while talking to her he has already considered and lamented all his life choices seventeen times. The woman, unimpressed, says she'd imagined he would use his advanced brain for mathematical theorems or poetry, not regrets and self-analysis. He retorts, "I'm not a robot. I'm a faster human. What do YOU do with 45% of YOUR brainpower?" She replies, "You're right. God, I feel so stupid now." He apologizes—"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh!"—while she clutches her head, eyes shut, wailing "So stupid! Stupid stupid stupid!" The joke: a super-fast brain is used only for spiraling self-criticism, which is contagious. Votey (bonus panel): the cybernetic-headed man holds a hand to his pained face, saying, "With my quantum processor, I can experience exponential forms of remorse in polynomial time!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.