state-of-the-union
Original: state-of-the-union on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (Politician at a podium, American flag backdrop):
Politician: Ladies and gentlemen, the state of our union is typical.
Panel 2:
Politician: Long-term economic trends continue to hold, largely unchanged by either my policies or leadership style.
Panel 3:
Politician: We remain a growing and innovative nation, but only when compared to the world average.
Panel 4:
Politician: Looking at other nations with similar governmental structures and institutional victories, we are solidly in the middle of the pack.
Panel 5:
Politician: Overseas threats are real, but remain far less dangerous than heart disease, cancer, and automobile accidents.
Panel 6:
Politician: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to put aside our partisan differences, because our differences continue to exist along many continuous spectra, and our party coalitions are, to a large extent, the arbitrary result of history and chance.
Panel 7:
Politician: I call upon all of you to work together to make a statistically typical tomorrow given the reasonably strong growth trends experienced during the preceding decades.
Panel 8 (silhouette of the politician with arms raised against a spotlight):
Politician: AMERICA!
Panel 9 (the politician stands triumphantly at the podium as the audience applauds wildly):
Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
Votey:
A disheveled, weary-looking person sits slumped in front of a glowing television/computer screen, holding up one hand. A burst of motion lines radiates from the hand.
Person: Ow...
Politician: Ladies and gentlemen, the state of our union is typical.
Panel 2:
Politician: Long-term economic trends continue to hold, largely unchanged by either my policies or leadership style.
Panel 3:
Politician: We remain a growing and innovative nation, but only when compared to the world average.
Panel 4:
Politician: Looking at other nations with similar governmental structures and institutional victories, we are solidly in the middle of the pack.
Panel 5:
Politician: Overseas threats are real, but remain far less dangerous than heart disease, cancer, and automobile accidents.
Panel 6:
Politician: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to put aside our partisan differences, because our differences continue to exist along many continuous spectra, and our party coalitions are, to a large extent, the arbitrary result of history and chance.
Panel 7:
Politician: I call upon all of you to work together to make a statistically typical tomorrow given the reasonably strong growth trends experienced during the preceding decades.
Panel 8 (silhouette of the politician with arms raised against a spotlight):
Politician: AMERICA!
Panel 9 (the politician stands triumphantly at the podium as the audience applauds wildly):
Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
Votey:
A disheveled, weary-looking person sits slumped in front of a glowing television/computer screen, holding up one hand. A burst of motion lines radiates from the hand.
Person: Ow...
Alt text
Main comic: A politician stands at a podium in front of an American flag delivering a State of the Union address, but every line is relentlessly, deflatingly honest and statistical. Across the panels the politician says the state of the union is 'typical,' that long-term economic trends are unchanged by their leadership, that the nation is innovative only compared to the world average and 'solidly in the middle of the pack' versus similar countries, and that overseas threats matter far less than heart disease, cancer, and car accidents. They call for setting aside partisan differences because party coalitions are 'the arbitrary result of history and chance,' and urge everyone to work toward 'a statistically typical tomorrow.' The politician throws their arms up in silhouette shouting 'AMERICA!' and in the final panel the audience erupts into wild applause ('clap clap clap...') anyway. The joke: a brutally accurate, humble speech still earns a roaring patriotic ovation. Votey: A tired, slumped person sits in front of a glowing screen, raising a hand that gives off motion lines, saying 'Ow...' — as if physically pained by clapping along.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.