anything
Original: anything on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Student (a young man): Professor, I'll do anything for a good grade. ANYTHING.
Panel 2:
Student: Why? The private sector is efficient. If you sleep your way to a degree, employers will discover you acquired no useful skills in college.
Panel 3:
Student: Employers will hire me based on my degree. When they realize I'm underqualified, for social reasons they'll be reticent to fire me. On that basis they'll promote me to other companies in an effort to offload a bad employee.
Panel 4:
Student: The worse my performance, the more they'll hype me to potential employers in order to remove me quickly.
Panel 5:
Student: If I play my cards right, within a decade I'll be CEO of a major business. When shareholders discover I'm useless, they'll pay me a fortune to quit early, at which point I can retire.
Panel 6:
(The professor — an older woman with gray hair, round glasses, and an orange turtleneck — stares silently, unimpressed.)
Panel 7:
Student: Perhaps you're wondering why I don't just type this into a essay and get an A+. Well—
Panel 8:
Professor: I dunno...
Student: I'll do anything! Anything!
(In the final panel the student leans forward and lowers his voice.)
Student: Please take me with you.
Votey:
Professor (off-panel speech bubble): Would you grade essays on time?
Student (off-panel speech bubble): There are limits, sir.
Student (a young man): Professor, I'll do anything for a good grade. ANYTHING.
Panel 2:
Student: Why? The private sector is efficient. If you sleep your way to a degree, employers will discover you acquired no useful skills in college.
Panel 3:
Student: Employers will hire me based on my degree. When they realize I'm underqualified, for social reasons they'll be reticent to fire me. On that basis they'll promote me to other companies in an effort to offload a bad employee.
Panel 4:
Student: The worse my performance, the more they'll hype me to potential employers in order to remove me quickly.
Panel 5:
Student: If I play my cards right, within a decade I'll be CEO of a major business. When shareholders discover I'm useless, they'll pay me a fortune to quit early, at which point I can retire.
Panel 6:
(The professor — an older woman with gray hair, round glasses, and an orange turtleneck — stares silently, unimpressed.)
Panel 7:
Student: Perhaps you're wondering why I don't just type this into a essay and get an A+. Well—
Panel 8:
Professor: I dunno...
Student: I'll do anything! Anything!
(In the final panel the student leans forward and lowers his voice.)
Student: Please take me with you.
Votey:
Professor (off-panel speech bubble): Would you grade essays on time?
Student (off-panel speech bubble): There are limits, sir.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A young male student pleads with his professor — an older woman with gray hair, round glasses, and an orange turtleneck. He says, 'Professor, I'll do anything for a good grade. ANYTHING.' He then delivers a cynical monologue: the private sector is efficient, so if he sleeps his way to a degree, employers will hire him for the credential, be too socially reticent to fire an underqualified worker, and keep promoting and hyping him to offload him onto other companies. The worse he performs, the harder they'll push him out, until within a decade he becomes CEO of a major business, gets paid a fortune to quit early when shareholders find him useless, and retires. The professor stares back silently, unimpressed. He adds, 'Perhaps you're wondering why I don't just type this into a essay and get an A+. Well—' She replies flatly, 'I dunno...' and he, suddenly desperate, leans in pleading, 'I'll do anything! Anything! Please take me with you.' Votey (bonus panel): a sketchy close-up of the same two faces. The professor asks, 'Would you grade essays on time?' The student answers, 'There are limits, sir.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.