gojirasaurus
Original: gojirasaurus on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
News Anchor: In today's news, a 1,000 meter tall lizard-creature attacked New York City.
Panel 2:
News Anchor: Given the enormous weight of the creature, and the fact that weight and cross-sectional area don't scale together linearly, the creature was made almost entirely of legs, which were made almost entirely of bone.
Panel 3:
News Anchor: Additionally, since nerve impulses travel at about 100 meters per second, the creature was not able to rapidly respond to dangerous stimuli.
Panel 4:
News Anchor: The creature was thus easily dispatched, then used to make a tasty bone broth.
Panel 5:
News Anchor: Sources say local people reluctantly thanked science for never letting anything interesting happen.
Panel 6:
News Anchor: We now go live to a lightsaber duel. That's no fun because light doesn't work that way.
Votey:
News Anchor: Also, elves aren't real.
News Anchor: In today's news, a 1,000 meter tall lizard-creature attacked New York City.
Panel 2:
News Anchor: Given the enormous weight of the creature, and the fact that weight and cross-sectional area don't scale together linearly, the creature was made almost entirely of legs, which were made almost entirely of bone.
Panel 3:
News Anchor: Additionally, since nerve impulses travel at about 100 meters per second, the creature was not able to rapidly respond to dangerous stimuli.
Panel 4:
News Anchor: The creature was thus easily dispatched, then used to make a tasty bone broth.
Panel 5:
News Anchor: Sources say local people reluctantly thanked science for never letting anything interesting happen.
Panel 6:
News Anchor: We now go live to a lightsaber duel. That's no fun because light doesn't work that way.
Votey:
News Anchor: Also, elves aren't real.
Alt text
A six-panel comic showing a deadpan TV news anchor in a suit and red tie, seated at a desk. Across the panels he calmly delivers an increasingly buzzkill report: a 1,000-meter-tall lizard-creature attacked New York City, but because weight and cross-sectional area don't scale linearly the creature was almost entirely legs made almost entirely of bone; because nerve impulses travel only about 100 meters per second it couldn't respond quickly to danger; so it was easily dispatched and used to make tasty bone broth. He reports that locals reluctantly thanked science for never letting anything interesting happen, then cuts to a lightsaber duel, noting that's no fun because light doesn't work that way. The joke is the anchor methodically applying real physics to ruin every exciting premise. Votey: a close-up of the same anchor adding, 'Also, elves aren't real.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.