excelsior
Original: excelsior on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A bald, muscular mugger in a tank top stabs a man in a suit, who cries out.
Man in suit: HELP! I'M BEING STABBED!
Panel 2: A superhero in a blue costume flies down toward a bystander.
Superhero: GOOD NEWS!
Bystander: WHO ARE YOU?
Superhero: PROGRESS MAN!
Panel 3: Caption box over the mugging scene.
Caption: DID YOU KNOW THAT VIOLENT CRIME HAS DROPPED WORLDWIDE ALMOST EVERY YEAR FOR DECADES!
Panel 4: The superhero gestures at the scene of the stabbing.
Progress Man: SCENES LIKE THIS ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY UNCOMMON!
Panel 5: The bald mugger, now standing calmly, responds.
Mugger: THIS IS TRUE DESPITE THE EVER-DECREASING COST OF ALL THE COMMODITIES THAT GO INTO MAKING STABBING IMPLEMENTS!
Panel 6: Progress Man flies over a city skyline while the stabbing victim lies on the ground.
Victim: MY... WALLET...
Progress Man: DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 1850 IT'D TAKE 28 TIMES MORE WORK TO RECOUP THE MONEY YOU JUST LOST?
Panel 7: The victim lies bleeding on the ground.
Victim: glllrhhhlllgll...
Panel 8: Progress Man flies away as a small figure runs in the background.
Progress Man: WHOOPS!
Panel 9: Caption: AND SO...
A priest stands at a pulpit (with a cross) at a funeral, addressing a seated congregation.
Priest: WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER STEVE, THANKS TO EVER LESS EXPENSIVE SOLID STATE MEMORY DRIVES.
Votey: A close-up of a stern-faced figure (Progress Man) with a speech bubble pointing off-panel.
Progress Man: Stop crying back there!
Man in suit: HELP! I'M BEING STABBED!
Panel 2: A superhero in a blue costume flies down toward a bystander.
Superhero: GOOD NEWS!
Bystander: WHO ARE YOU?
Superhero: PROGRESS MAN!
Panel 3: Caption box over the mugging scene.
Caption: DID YOU KNOW THAT VIOLENT CRIME HAS DROPPED WORLDWIDE ALMOST EVERY YEAR FOR DECADES!
Panel 4: The superhero gestures at the scene of the stabbing.
Progress Man: SCENES LIKE THIS ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY UNCOMMON!
Panel 5: The bald mugger, now standing calmly, responds.
Mugger: THIS IS TRUE DESPITE THE EVER-DECREASING COST OF ALL THE COMMODITIES THAT GO INTO MAKING STABBING IMPLEMENTS!
Panel 6: Progress Man flies over a city skyline while the stabbing victim lies on the ground.
Victim: MY... WALLET...
Progress Man: DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 1850 IT'D TAKE 28 TIMES MORE WORK TO RECOUP THE MONEY YOU JUST LOST?
Panel 7: The victim lies bleeding on the ground.
Victim: glllrhhhlllgll...
Panel 8: Progress Man flies away as a small figure runs in the background.
Progress Man: WHOOPS!
Panel 9: Caption: AND SO...
A priest stands at a pulpit (with a cross) at a funeral, addressing a seated congregation.
Priest: WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER STEVE, THANKS TO EVER LESS EXPENSIVE SOLID STATE MEMORY DRIVES.
Votey: A close-up of a stern-faced figure (Progress Man) with a speech bubble pointing off-panel.
Progress Man: Stop crying back there!
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic. A bald muscular mugger stabs a man in a suit, who yells 'Help! I'm being stabbed!' A blue-costumed superhero flies in announcing 'Good news!' and introduces himself as 'Progress Man!' Instead of helping, he recites optimistic statistics over the bleeding victim: violent crime has dropped worldwide for decades, such scenes are increasingly uncommon, and in 1850 it would have taken 28 times more work to recoup the stolen money. The mugger even chimes in that this holds true despite ever-cheaper stabbing-implement commodities. The victim moans 'My... wallet...' then dies. Progress Man flies off saying 'Whoops!' In the final panel, a priest at a funeral pulpit eulogizes: 'We will always remember Steve, thanks to ever less expensive solid state memory drives.' Votey: a close-up of Progress Man scowling and shouting toward the grieving congregation, 'Stop crying back there!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.