the-stochastic-tax
Original: the-stochastic-tax on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (bald man with glasses, gesturing as he lectures):
Heretofore, all tax methods have been considered to have trade-offs. It's time for a new way of thinking. I propose... the STOCHASTIC TAX.
Panel 2:
Every possible income level, down to the smallest unit of currency, gets a different and random income tax between 5% and 10,000%.
Panel 3 (man holding out his hands):
This tax will be re-randomized and assessed daily.
Panel 4:
Every person will thus be required to employ a team of lawyers and accountants to monitor their spending in order to get their wealth to the nearest 5% bracket.
Panel 5 (man pointing):
Meanwhile, everyone will pay the minimum tax, but they'll think they're getting away with something clever.
Panel 6:
The economy will soon reach full employment, with only white-collar workers. This eliminates the need for welfare.
Panel 7 (man smiling, arms raised):
Thus every citizen will have a valuable job, AND will believe they are getting ahead of their neighbor. This is literally the modern definition of happiness.
Panel 8 (close-up of the bald man's face):
Low taxes. Low inequality. High employment. The stochastic tax is FLAWLESS.
Panel 9 (the man, arms spread, addressing two listeners in the foreground; a listener asks):
Listener: Will the country create anything of value?
Man: We'll become a sort of tourist attraction for macroeconomists.
Votey:
A close-up line drawing of the man's face. He says:
"We can also export misery!"
Heretofore, all tax methods have been considered to have trade-offs. It's time for a new way of thinking. I propose... the STOCHASTIC TAX.
Panel 2:
Every possible income level, down to the smallest unit of currency, gets a different and random income tax between 5% and 10,000%.
Panel 3 (man holding out his hands):
This tax will be re-randomized and assessed daily.
Panel 4:
Every person will thus be required to employ a team of lawyers and accountants to monitor their spending in order to get their wealth to the nearest 5% bracket.
Panel 5 (man pointing):
Meanwhile, everyone will pay the minimum tax, but they'll think they're getting away with something clever.
Panel 6:
The economy will soon reach full employment, with only white-collar workers. This eliminates the need for welfare.
Panel 7 (man smiling, arms raised):
Thus every citizen will have a valuable job, AND will believe they are getting ahead of their neighbor. This is literally the modern definition of happiness.
Panel 8 (close-up of the bald man's face):
Low taxes. Low inequality. High employment. The stochastic tax is FLAWLESS.
Panel 9 (the man, arms spread, addressing two listeners in the foreground; a listener asks):
Listener: Will the country create anything of value?
Man: We'll become a sort of tourist attraction for macroeconomists.
Votey:
A close-up line drawing of the man's face. He says:
"We can also export misery!"
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic. A bald, bespectacled man enthusiastically lectures to two listeners, proposing a new economic policy he calls 'the Stochastic Tax.' He explains: every possible income level, down to the smallest unit of currency, gets a different random income tax between 5% and 10,000%, re-randomized and assessed daily. This forces every person to hire teams of lawyers and accountants to nudge their wealth into the nearest 5% bracket, while everyone secretly pays the minimum and thinks they're cleverly getting away with it. The result, he claims, is full employment of white-collar workers (eliminating welfare), low taxes, low inequality, and high employment, with every citizen feeling they're getting ahead of their neighbor. He calls it 'literally the modern definition of happiness' and declares the tax 'flawless.' In the final panel a listener asks whether the country will create anything of value; he replies that it will become 'a sort of tourist attraction for macroeconomists.' Votey (aftercomic): a simple line-drawing close-up of the man's face adding the punchline, 'We can also export misery!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.