sex-when-you-have-children
Original: sex-when-you-have-children on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: HOW TO HAVE SEX WHEN YOU HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN
STEP 1: WAIT FOR CHILDREN TO SLEEP
Woman: THE TRI-MONTHLY CONJUNCTION IS UPON US!
Man: TO THE CLOSET!
STEP 2: SET REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
Man (thinking/whispering): NO KISSING. NO FOREPLAY. NO BREAK IN THE ACTION. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO QUIET MOMENTS OF SHARED INTIMACY.
STEP 3: BEGIN SEX
Woman: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE TO PUT THE...
Man: I THINK OVER HERE? NO. WAIT. MAYBE THERE? GOD. I FORGOT. WAS WEIRD ALL OF THIS IS.
STEP 4: OVERHEAR KID MAKING NOISES
Man: THAT GET ME BACK THIRTY SECONDS.
Woman: WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME!
STEP 5: RESOLVE TO FINISH QUICKLY
Woman: I CAN GET THERE IN TEN SECONDS.
Man: YEAH. OH. OH. YOU MEAN THAT LINE. THAT'S FAST FOR YOU. SO YOU GO GET IT?
STEP 6: FINISH FASTER THAN EXPECTED
Woman: WOW. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. LET'S HAVE THREE MONTH-DAY SPELLS MORE OFTEN!
STEP 7: SHOWER THAT LASTS LONGER THAN SEX
(no dialogue; figure standing in a shower)
STEP 8: UPON EMERGENCE, PERCEIVE DISAPPROVAL IN EYES OF OFFSPRING
Man: HE'S JUST A BABY. HE DOESN'T KNOW.
Child: HE KNOWS.
STEP 9: PREPARE FOR FURTHER EROTIC ADVENTURES
Man: HOW'S YOUR OCTOBER LOOKING?
Woman: THIS YEAR?
Footer text: THIS IS A BONUS COMIC. THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO PRE-ORDERED 'SOONISH.' CLICK OR GO TO SOONISHBOOK.COM FOR MORE INFO!
Votey: A close-up of the baby's face peeking up from the bottom of a black panel, big serious eyes and heavy eyebrows, staring knowingly. (No text.)
STEP 1: WAIT FOR CHILDREN TO SLEEP
Woman: THE TRI-MONTHLY CONJUNCTION IS UPON US!
Man: TO THE CLOSET!
STEP 2: SET REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
Man (thinking/whispering): NO KISSING. NO FOREPLAY. NO BREAK IN THE ACTION. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO QUIET MOMENTS OF SHARED INTIMACY.
STEP 3: BEGIN SEX
Woman: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE TO PUT THE...
Man: I THINK OVER HERE? NO. WAIT. MAYBE THERE? GOD. I FORGOT. WAS WEIRD ALL OF THIS IS.
STEP 4: OVERHEAR KID MAKING NOISES
Man: THAT GET ME BACK THIRTY SECONDS.
Woman: WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME!
STEP 5: RESOLVE TO FINISH QUICKLY
Woman: I CAN GET THERE IN TEN SECONDS.
Man: YEAH. OH. OH. YOU MEAN THAT LINE. THAT'S FAST FOR YOU. SO YOU GO GET IT?
STEP 6: FINISH FASTER THAN EXPECTED
Woman: WOW. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. LET'S HAVE THREE MONTH-DAY SPELLS MORE OFTEN!
STEP 7: SHOWER THAT LASTS LONGER THAN SEX
(no dialogue; figure standing in a shower)
STEP 8: UPON EMERGENCE, PERCEIVE DISAPPROVAL IN EYES OF OFFSPRING
Man: HE'S JUST A BABY. HE DOESN'T KNOW.
Child: HE KNOWS.
STEP 9: PREPARE FOR FURTHER EROTIC ADVENTURES
Man: HOW'S YOUR OCTOBER LOOKING?
Woman: THIS YEAR?
Footer text: THIS IS A BONUS COMIC. THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO PRE-ORDERED 'SOONISH.' CLICK OR GO TO SOONISHBOOK.COM FOR MORE INFO!
Votey: A close-up of the baby's face peeking up from the bottom of a black panel, big serious eyes and heavy eyebrows, staring knowingly. (No text.)
Alt text
A tall instructional-style SMBC comic titled 'HOW TO HAVE SEX WHEN YOU HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN,' laid out as nine numbered steps down the page, each with a label on the left and a small panel of a couple (a woman and a man) on the right. Step 1 'Wait for children to sleep': the woman announces 'The tri-monthly conjunction is upon us!' and the man says 'To the closet!' Step 2 'Set reasonable expectations': the man lists rules in the dark, ending 'and for God's sake, no quiet moments of shared intimacy.' Step 3 'Begin sex': both fumble, unsure where things go. Step 4 'Overhear kid making noises': they panic that a brief delay would cost time they don't have. Step 5 'Resolve to finish quickly': the woman says she can get there in ten seconds. Step 6 'Finish faster than expected': she gushes 'Wow, that was incredible, let's do this more often.' Step 7 'Shower that lasts longer than sex': a lone figure in a shower stall. Step 8 'Upon emergence, perceive disapproval in eyes of offspring': the man insists 'He's just a baby, he doesn't know,' and the baby flatly replies 'He knows.' Step 9 'Prepare for further erotic adventures': the man asks 'How's your October looking?' and she answers 'This year?' A footer notes it's a bonus comic thanking pre-orderers of the book 'Soonish.' The votey panel is a black square with the baby's white face peeking up from the bottom, big serious eyes and thick eyebrows, staring up in silent, knowing judgment.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.