lastritely
Original: lastritely on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Salesman (a man with reddish/orange hair): Would you like to try our new app, Lastritely?
Customer (a balding man): Huh?
Panel 2:
Salesman: It's a device subcutaneously implanted into your neck. In the event of your death, it electrically causes your heart to beat, while forcing your vocal cords to confess to everything bad you ever did.
Panel 3:
Salesman: Meanwhile it conferences in a priest who absolves you, then releases a reservoir of holy water into your circulatory system.
Panel 4:
Customer: How much does it cost?
Salesman: It's free if you sign our user agreement.
Customer: I'll take it!
Panel 5 (caption: TWO WEEKS LATER...):
Customer (to a priest): Hey, priest! The device is great, but my phone keeps trying to sell me weird stuff.
Panel 6:
Customer: You didn't sell my confession information to a third party, did you?
Priest: Really just meta-data. Why?
Panel 7:
Phone/speech (from a phone with a cord): No reason.
On the phone screen: "You might like: The Sodomy Pros — 'Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral' — Buttress your savings with 30% off!"
Votey:
Handwritten note: Rejected slogan: "Putting the 'O MY' back in sodomy"!
Salesman (a man with reddish/orange hair): Would you like to try our new app, Lastritely?
Customer (a balding man): Huh?
Panel 2:
Salesman: It's a device subcutaneously implanted into your neck. In the event of your death, it electrically causes your heart to beat, while forcing your vocal cords to confess to everything bad you ever did.
Panel 3:
Salesman: Meanwhile it conferences in a priest who absolves you, then releases a reservoir of holy water into your circulatory system.
Panel 4:
Customer: How much does it cost?
Salesman: It's free if you sign our user agreement.
Customer: I'll take it!
Panel 5 (caption: TWO WEEKS LATER...):
Customer (to a priest): Hey, priest! The device is great, but my phone keeps trying to sell me weird stuff.
Panel 6:
Customer: You didn't sell my confession information to a third party, did you?
Priest: Really just meta-data. Why?
Panel 7:
Phone/speech (from a phone with a cord): No reason.
On the phone screen: "You might like: The Sodomy Pros — 'Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral' — Buttress your savings with 30% off!"
Votey:
Handwritten note: Rejected slogan: "Putting the 'O MY' back in sodomy"!
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic. A salesman with reddish hair pitches a new app called 'Lastritely' to a balding customer. He explains it's a device implanted in your neck that, upon your death, electrically forces your heart to beat and your vocal cords to confess every bad thing you ever did, while conferencing in a priest to absolve you and releasing holy water into your bloodstream. It's free if you sign the user agreement, and the customer eagerly takes it. Two weeks later, the customer complains to a priest that his phone keeps trying to sell him weird stuff, and asks whether his confession data was sold to a third party. The priest says 'Really just meta-data. Why?' The final panel shows a phone saying 'No reason,' its screen displaying a targeted ad: 'You might like: The Sodomy Pros — Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral — Buttress your savings with 30% off!' The joke: confession data harvested by the app is being sold and used for embarrassingly targeted advertising. Votey (bonus panel): a handwritten note reads 'Rejected slogan: Putting the O MY back in sodomy!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.