christian-science
Original: christian-science on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (Lecturer, an older bearded man):
We also know that Jesus was buoyant enough to ascend into the heavens.
Panel 2 (Lecturer):
We also know that, most of the time, he walked on land, which suggests he carried something to weigh him down.
Panel 3 (Lecturer):
We also know that he walked on water. Thus, we know that while carrying the weights, he was buoyant enough to walk on water, but not buoyant enough to float in the air.
Panel 4 (Lecturer):
Given the ability to alter his buoyancy at will, and the evidence from other stories, we believe it is likely that he used miraculous fish and bread to adjust his density.
Panel 5 (Lecturer):
This internal fish and bread generation system acted as a sort of swim bladder, allowing him to select buoyancy and thus move up and down in the air column as needed.
Panel 6 (Lecturer):
Given these facts, we can comfortably establish that he 'rose after three days' due to a buildup of gasses pertaining to fish putrefaction.
Panel 7 (A woman in the audience, raising her hand):
Question! So, is theo-physics a real field or are you just one more crazy old man with tenure?
Panel 8 (Lecturer):
That is a matter for philosophers of theo-physics.
Votey:
(Close-up of the lecturer's face, speaking):
Probably tenured ones.
We also know that Jesus was buoyant enough to ascend into the heavens.
Panel 2 (Lecturer):
We also know that, most of the time, he walked on land, which suggests he carried something to weigh him down.
Panel 3 (Lecturer):
We also know that he walked on water. Thus, we know that while carrying the weights, he was buoyant enough to walk on water, but not buoyant enough to float in the air.
Panel 4 (Lecturer):
Given the ability to alter his buoyancy at will, and the evidence from other stories, we believe it is likely that he used miraculous fish and bread to adjust his density.
Panel 5 (Lecturer):
This internal fish and bread generation system acted as a sort of swim bladder, allowing him to select buoyancy and thus move up and down in the air column as needed.
Panel 6 (Lecturer):
Given these facts, we can comfortably establish that he 'rose after three days' due to a buildup of gasses pertaining to fish putrefaction.
Panel 7 (A woman in the audience, raising her hand):
Question! So, is theo-physics a real field or are you just one more crazy old man with tenure?
Panel 8 (Lecturer):
That is a matter for philosophers of theo-physics.
Votey:
(Close-up of the lecturer's face, speaking):
Probably tenured ones.
Alt text
An eight-panel comic showing an elderly bearded scholar delivering a deadpan academic lecture. Across the first six panels he calmly explains a pseudo-scientific 'theo-physics' theory of Jesus: that Jesus was buoyant enough to ascend to heaven, carried weights to walk on land, and used 'miraculous fish and bread' as an internal swim bladder to adjust his density and move up and down in the air column, concluding that he 'rose after three days' due to gasses from fish putrefaction. In the seventh panel, a wide shot of the audience, a woman raises her hand and asks, 'Question! So, is theo-physics a real field or are you just one more crazy old man with tenure?' In the final panel the lecturer replies, 'That is a matter for philosophers of theo-physics.' The votey is a close-up of the lecturer's face as he adds, 'Probably tenured ones.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.