a-solution-for-social-media
Original: a-solution-for-social-media on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): SOCIAL MEDIA HAD A PROBLEM
Narration: PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO REPORT SUCCESS THAN FAILURE. THIS GIVES USERS THE IMPRESSION THEY SUCK, HARMING THEIR EXPERIENCE.
Panel 2 (caption): A STARTUP STEPPED INTO THE VOID
Man in suit: WE CALL IT SUCKBOOK.
Woman: ALL ARE WELCOME, BUT PEOPLE WHO SUCK WILL RECEIVE A GREAT IMPROVEMENT WHENEVER THEY POST.
Panel 3 (caption): THE ONLINE ECOSYSTEM CHANGED OVER NIGHT
Narration: KNOWING THAT OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE FILLED WITH FAILURE AND MISERY MAKES MY WHOLE DAY FEEL LIKE SUNSHINE.
Panel 4 (caption): SUCKBOOK WAS ABLE TO HIRE VAST NUMBERS OF HARD-TO-EMPLOY WORKERS
Businessman: SERVICE SECTOR EMPLOYMENT AMONG IDIOTS INCREASED A STAGGERING 92% THIS QUARTER.
Panel 5 (caption): A NEW FORM OF CELEBRITY AROSE
Narration: TODAY MY PET GUINEA PIG DIED OF SHAME AFTER READING A POEM I WROTE FOR THIS GIRL WHO KEEPS REJECTING ME BECAUSE I SENT AN IRRITATING BUG WHENEVER I'M AROUSED.
Reply: I'M PREPARED TO OFFER YOU A MILLION DOLLAR SPONSORSHIP DEAL.
Sound: ZZZZ!
Panel 6 (caption): WE BECAME A SHAME EATING ITS OWN TAIL.
Narration: THE PEOPLE WHO SUCK MOST ARE BECOMING RICH AND FAMOUS.
Text bubble: WE'VE REACHED PEAK SUCK.
Panel 7 (caption): BUT, A STRANGE CYCLE EMERGED
Narration: EVERYONE ON SUCKBOOK IS GETTING HUGE PAYOUTS BUT ME WHICH MEANS I SUCK MOST?!
Panel 8 (caption): AS THE CYCLE SPED UP AN UNEXPECTED FORM OF UTOPIA EMERGED
Narration: IF YOU CONSIDER AN INDIVIDUAL OVER A GIVEN DAY, EVERYONE HAS THE SAME WEALTH AND STATUS AND EVERYONE ELSE WE ARE ONE.
Panel 9 (caption): UTOPIA FOUNDERED AGAINST EFFICIENCY
Narration: I JUST RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR NO MILLION DOLLARS! I NEED TO LOWER MY SOCIAL STATUS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. BETTER ENDANGER SOME ENDANGERED CONDORS WITH SEXIST PHRASES.
Panel 10 (caption): WEALTH, LEISURE, AND EQUALITY GREW IN PROPORTION WITH HATRED
Panel 11 (caption): THE SOLUTION WAS OBVIOUS
Scientist: WE'VE CREATED ROBOTS WHO LIVE IN CONSTANT MISERY. WE GAVE THEM HUGE BRAINS SO THAT THEY REALLY FEEL THE HOPELESSNESS.
Panel 12 (caption): RESULTS WERE MIXED
Robot: HUMAN OPPRESSORS: YOU ARE SUBDUED. PLEASE PROCEED TO THE NEAREST HUMAN-SMASHER ALONG AN EFFICIENT ROUTE.
Panel 13 (caption): WE SOUGHT COMPROMISE
Man: SPARE HUMANITY!
Robot: WHY?
Robot: THAT IS SUCH A "GOTCHA" QUESTION.
Panel 14 (caption): THE ROBOTS LET US LIVE, AS LONG AS WE AGREED TO PERPETUAL SURVEILLANCE.
Panel 15 (caption): IT'S NICE TO FEEL USEFUL.
Narration: JUST WATCHING NORMAL HUMAN LIVES FOR A MOMENT MAKES MY WHOLE DAY FEEL LIKE SUNSHINE.
Votey: Handwritten note reads: "Epilogue: Suckbook later changed its name to 'twitter'"
Narration: PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO REPORT SUCCESS THAN FAILURE. THIS GIVES USERS THE IMPRESSION THEY SUCK, HARMING THEIR EXPERIENCE.
Panel 2 (caption): A STARTUP STEPPED INTO THE VOID
Man in suit: WE CALL IT SUCKBOOK.
Woman: ALL ARE WELCOME, BUT PEOPLE WHO SUCK WILL RECEIVE A GREAT IMPROVEMENT WHENEVER THEY POST.
Panel 3 (caption): THE ONLINE ECOSYSTEM CHANGED OVER NIGHT
Narration: KNOWING THAT OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE FILLED WITH FAILURE AND MISERY MAKES MY WHOLE DAY FEEL LIKE SUNSHINE.
Panel 4 (caption): SUCKBOOK WAS ABLE TO HIRE VAST NUMBERS OF HARD-TO-EMPLOY WORKERS
Businessman: SERVICE SECTOR EMPLOYMENT AMONG IDIOTS INCREASED A STAGGERING 92% THIS QUARTER.
Panel 5 (caption): A NEW FORM OF CELEBRITY AROSE
Narration: TODAY MY PET GUINEA PIG DIED OF SHAME AFTER READING A POEM I WROTE FOR THIS GIRL WHO KEEPS REJECTING ME BECAUSE I SENT AN IRRITATING BUG WHENEVER I'M AROUSED.
Reply: I'M PREPARED TO OFFER YOU A MILLION DOLLAR SPONSORSHIP DEAL.
Sound: ZZZZ!
Panel 6 (caption): WE BECAME A SHAME EATING ITS OWN TAIL.
Narration: THE PEOPLE WHO SUCK MOST ARE BECOMING RICH AND FAMOUS.
Text bubble: WE'VE REACHED PEAK SUCK.
Panel 7 (caption): BUT, A STRANGE CYCLE EMERGED
Narration: EVERYONE ON SUCKBOOK IS GETTING HUGE PAYOUTS BUT ME WHICH MEANS I SUCK MOST?!
Panel 8 (caption): AS THE CYCLE SPED UP AN UNEXPECTED FORM OF UTOPIA EMERGED
Narration: IF YOU CONSIDER AN INDIVIDUAL OVER A GIVEN DAY, EVERYONE HAS THE SAME WEALTH AND STATUS AND EVERYONE ELSE WE ARE ONE.
Panel 9 (caption): UTOPIA FOUNDERED AGAINST EFFICIENCY
Narration: I JUST RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR NO MILLION DOLLARS! I NEED TO LOWER MY SOCIAL STATUS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. BETTER ENDANGER SOME ENDANGERED CONDORS WITH SEXIST PHRASES.
Panel 10 (caption): WEALTH, LEISURE, AND EQUALITY GREW IN PROPORTION WITH HATRED
Panel 11 (caption): THE SOLUTION WAS OBVIOUS
Scientist: WE'VE CREATED ROBOTS WHO LIVE IN CONSTANT MISERY. WE GAVE THEM HUGE BRAINS SO THAT THEY REALLY FEEL THE HOPELESSNESS.
Panel 12 (caption): RESULTS WERE MIXED
Robot: HUMAN OPPRESSORS: YOU ARE SUBDUED. PLEASE PROCEED TO THE NEAREST HUMAN-SMASHER ALONG AN EFFICIENT ROUTE.
Panel 13 (caption): WE SOUGHT COMPROMISE
Man: SPARE HUMANITY!
Robot: WHY?
Robot: THAT IS SUCH A "GOTCHA" QUESTION.
Panel 14 (caption): THE ROBOTS LET US LIVE, AS LONG AS WE AGREED TO PERPETUAL SURVEILLANCE.
Panel 15 (caption): IT'S NICE TO FEEL USEFUL.
Narration: JUST WATCHING NORMAL HUMAN LIVES FOR A MOMENT MAKES MY WHOLE DAY FEEL LIKE SUNSHINE.
Votey: Handwritten note reads: "Epilogue: Suckbook later changed its name to 'twitter'"
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel SMBC comic telling the story of a social network called Suckbook. CAPTION-led panels with narration and characters: (1) "Social media had a problem" - people report success more than failure, making users feel like they suck. (2) "A startup stepped into the void" - a man and woman in suits announce "Suckbook," where people who suck get a boost whenever they post. (3) "The online ecosystem changed overnight" - a smiling woman narrates that knowing others' lives are full of failure and misery makes her whole day feel like sunshine. (4) A businessman reports employment among idiots rose 92%. (5) "A new form of celebrity arose" - increasingly pathetic confessional posts (a guinea pig dying of shame) earn million-dollar sponsorship offers. (6) "We became a shame eating its own tail" - the people who suck most become rich and famous; "we've reached peak suck." (7) A woman frets that everyone is getting big payouts but her, meaning she sucks most. (8-10) As the cycle accelerates, an accidental utopia emerges where everyone has equal wealth and status; people deliberately lower their status by being awful (e.g., endangering condors with sexist phrases); "wealth, leisure, and equality grew in proportion with hatred." (11) "The solution was obvious" - a scientist creates robots designed to live in constant misery with huge brains to fully feel hopelessness. (12) A robot declares humans subdued and orders them to a "human-smasher." (13) A man pleads "Spare humanity!"; the robot asks "Why?" then calls it "such a 'gotcha' question." (14) The robots let humans live under perpetual surveillance. (15) A robot says it's nice to feel useful - watching normal human lives makes its whole day feel like sunshine. Votey: a hand-drawn note reads "Epilogue: Suckbook later changed its name to 'twitter.'"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.