emotion-hacking
Original: emotion-hacking on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Caption: BRAIN IMPLANTS MADE IT POSSIBLE TO ELECTRICALLY ALTER EMOTIONAL STATES.
Woman: ON CRUD, SORRY. DID I SAY YOUR CONVERSATION WAS FASCINATING? I MUST'VE LEFT THIS THING ON.
Panel 2
Caption: THE RESULTS WERE FANTASTIC.
Woman (red hair): YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TRIPLETS!
Other woman: HOORAY!
Panel 3
Caption: THE NATIONS' TECHNOCRATS IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZED THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMPROVE SOCIETY.
Man: IF WE CAN VARIABLY HACK THE BRAINS, WE CAN DECIDE WHAT WE WANT TO DO. THE, THEY WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.
Caption (bottom): POLITICAL SPEECHES PEOPLE ENJOY.
Panel 4
Caption: SOCIAL COHESION IMPROVED.
Man (left): DID YOU HEAR THE COLBERTIE TALK TONIGHT?
Man (right): IF I KNEW THE NAMES OF ANY GREAT ORATORS, I'D COMPARE HIM TO THEM.
Panel 5
Caption: BUT THE RESULT WAS A SORT OF "AESTHETIC HAZARD."
Woman: MADAME PRESIDENT, YOU SPENT 30 MINUTES OF YOUR STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TALKING ABOUT YOUR WORLD OF WARCRAFT CHARACTER, 20 MINUTES DESCRIBING A DREAM WHERE YOU WERE A LIME, AND 4 MINUTES ON FOREIGN POLICY.
Woman (cont.): AND PEOPLE LOVED IT?
Panel 6
Caption: A BRAIN-AUGMENTED ENVIRONMENT RHETORIC DEVALUED.
Man: LONG STORY SHORT, WE GOT THE PING BACK, BUT THAT DOG'S MADE WHO WEAR THE SAME PANTS. SHE'S DESERVED A METAPHOR FOR LIES THERE. ANYWAY CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU HARVARD CLASS OF 2014.
Panel 7
Caption: AND DEVALUED.
Man: WEINER WEINER WEINER WEINER WEINER WEINER. SEE, IT SOUNDS LESS LIKE A WORD EVERY TIME I SAY IT.
Panel 8
Caption: AND DEVALUED.
Man (arms spread): I HAVE HUGE HANDS. LOOK AT THESE. WHOA.
Panel 9
Caption: AS CANDIDATES BECAME IMPOSSIBLE TO DIFFERENTIATE, PARTIES ORIENTED ENTIRELY AROUND EMOTION-HACKING.
Man (computer): LET'S ELEVATE EXCITEMENT AS WE GEAR UP FOR WAR, THEN LOYALTY AFTER. THEN, IF THINGS GO ON TOO LONG, PUNCH IN XENOPHOBIA.
Woman (behind): SHIT THE OPPOSITION IS A DOGGING.
Woman (cont.): SHIT IT DOWN! SHIT IT DOWN!
Panel 10
Caption: THE IMPLANTS WERE NOT DESIGNED TO HANDLE THE SHEER QUANTITY OF PROCESSING.
Woman: YOUR BRAIN THINGY JUST EXPLODED.
Person (red hair): I FEEL SO FULL.
Panel 11
Caption: IN THE BRIEF MOMENT OF LUCIDITY THAT FOLLOWED, EMOTION-HACKING WAS BANNED.
Man: LET US LOCK ARMS AND AGREE THAT NEVER AGAIN SHALL WE VIOLATE THAT SPECIFIC FORM OF PRIVACY!
Panel 12
Caption: FORTUNATELY, WE DISCOVERED A WAY TO HACK BRAINS WITHOUT COMPUTERS.
Man (silhouette at podium): HIDDEN EVIL FORCES ARE EVERYWHERE, AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP THEM!
Crowd: WOOH!
Votey:
Text: YOU ENJOYED THIS.
(A smiling red face dots the 'O' / sits at the top right of the panel.)
Caption: BRAIN IMPLANTS MADE IT POSSIBLE TO ELECTRICALLY ALTER EMOTIONAL STATES.
Woman: ON CRUD, SORRY. DID I SAY YOUR CONVERSATION WAS FASCINATING? I MUST'VE LEFT THIS THING ON.
Panel 2
Caption: THE RESULTS WERE FANTASTIC.
Woman (red hair): YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TRIPLETS!
Other woman: HOORAY!
Panel 3
Caption: THE NATIONS' TECHNOCRATS IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZED THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMPROVE SOCIETY.
Man: IF WE CAN VARIABLY HACK THE BRAINS, WE CAN DECIDE WHAT WE WANT TO DO. THE, THEY WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.
Caption (bottom): POLITICAL SPEECHES PEOPLE ENJOY.
Panel 4
Caption: SOCIAL COHESION IMPROVED.
Man (left): DID YOU HEAR THE COLBERTIE TALK TONIGHT?
Man (right): IF I KNEW THE NAMES OF ANY GREAT ORATORS, I'D COMPARE HIM TO THEM.
Panel 5
Caption: BUT THE RESULT WAS A SORT OF "AESTHETIC HAZARD."
Woman: MADAME PRESIDENT, YOU SPENT 30 MINUTES OF YOUR STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TALKING ABOUT YOUR WORLD OF WARCRAFT CHARACTER, 20 MINUTES DESCRIBING A DREAM WHERE YOU WERE A LIME, AND 4 MINUTES ON FOREIGN POLICY.
Woman (cont.): AND PEOPLE LOVED IT?
Panel 6
Caption: A BRAIN-AUGMENTED ENVIRONMENT RHETORIC DEVALUED.
Man: LONG STORY SHORT, WE GOT THE PING BACK, BUT THAT DOG'S MADE WHO WEAR THE SAME PANTS. SHE'S DESERVED A METAPHOR FOR LIES THERE. ANYWAY CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU HARVARD CLASS OF 2014.
Panel 7
Caption: AND DEVALUED.
Man: WEINER WEINER WEINER WEINER WEINER WEINER. SEE, IT SOUNDS LESS LIKE A WORD EVERY TIME I SAY IT.
Panel 8
Caption: AND DEVALUED.
Man (arms spread): I HAVE HUGE HANDS. LOOK AT THESE. WHOA.
Panel 9
Caption: AS CANDIDATES BECAME IMPOSSIBLE TO DIFFERENTIATE, PARTIES ORIENTED ENTIRELY AROUND EMOTION-HACKING.
Man (computer): LET'S ELEVATE EXCITEMENT AS WE GEAR UP FOR WAR, THEN LOYALTY AFTER. THEN, IF THINGS GO ON TOO LONG, PUNCH IN XENOPHOBIA.
Woman (behind): SHIT THE OPPOSITION IS A DOGGING.
Woman (cont.): SHIT IT DOWN! SHIT IT DOWN!
Panel 10
Caption: THE IMPLANTS WERE NOT DESIGNED TO HANDLE THE SHEER QUANTITY OF PROCESSING.
Woman: YOUR BRAIN THINGY JUST EXPLODED.
Person (red hair): I FEEL SO FULL.
Panel 11
Caption: IN THE BRIEF MOMENT OF LUCIDITY THAT FOLLOWED, EMOTION-HACKING WAS BANNED.
Man: LET US LOCK ARMS AND AGREE THAT NEVER AGAIN SHALL WE VIOLATE THAT SPECIFIC FORM OF PRIVACY!
Panel 12
Caption: FORTUNATELY, WE DISCOVERED A WAY TO HACK BRAINS WITHOUT COMPUTERS.
Man (silhouette at podium): HIDDEN EVIL FORCES ARE EVERYWHERE, AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP THEM!
Crowd: WOOH!
Votey:
Text: YOU ENJOYED THIS.
(A smiling red face dots the 'O' / sits at the top right of the panel.)
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrating, in captions, the social history of brain implants that can electrically alter emotional states. Panel 1: a woman talks to a man, caption 'Brain implants made it possible to electrically alter emotional states' — she says 'Oh crud, sorry. Did I say your conversation was fascinating? I must've left this thing on.' Panel 2 ('The results were fantastic'): a woman cheerfully tells another 'You're going to have triplets!' and the other replies 'Hooray!' Panel 3: technocrats see a chance to 'improve society' by hacking brains to enjoy political speeches; a man stands beside a water cooler. Panel 4 ('Social cohesion improved'): two men chat, one saying if he knew any great orators he'd compare a speaker to them. Panel 5: a woman at a computer notes the president spent her State of the Union talking about her World of Warcraft character and a dream about being a lime, with only 4 minutes on foreign policy — 'And people loved it?' Subsequent panels ('rhetoric devalued / and devalued / and devalued') show a man in a suit gesturing while spouting nonsense — a garbled commencement speech, repeating 'weiner weiner weiner' until it loses meaning, and boasting 'I have huge hands, look at these.' Panel 9: parties orient entirely around emotion-hacking; a man at a computer plans to 'elevate excitement' for war then loyalty then xenophobia, while a woman shouts to shut it down. Panel 10: a woman tells a red-haired person 'Your brain thingy just exploded,' who replies 'I feel so full.' Panel 11: a man calls to lock arms and never again violate 'that specific form of privacy,' banning emotion-hacking. Final panel: a silhouetted demagogue at a podium booms 'Hidden evil forces are everywhere, and I'm the only one who can stop them!' to a cheering crowd ('Wooh!'), the punchline being that brains can be hacked without computers. Votey: a hand-drawn panel reading 'YOU ENJOYED THIS.' with a small smiling red cartoon face, turning the joke on the reader.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.