bacon-is-literally-cancer
Original: bacon-is-literally-cancer on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (Newscaster): According to recent scientific analysis, eating bacon causes cancer.
Panel 2 (Newscaster): Tragically, as a newscaster, I am unable to understand the difference between the questions "Does an effect exist?" and "How strong is the effect?"
Panel 3 (Newscaster): Therefore, I have categorized all things into "causes cancer" and "does not cause cancer."
Panel 4 (Newscaster): Anything increasing the risk of cancer by no matter how minor the effect, will be treated as scary and important.
Panel 5 (Newscaster): For instance, the fact that I am bald means the people around me get a slightly higher dose of radiation from my body than they would if I wore a toupee.
Panel 6 (Newscaster, now standing and pointing emphatically): I, Steve Jennings, newscaster... CAUSE CANCER!
Panel 7 (an off-panel voice, shouting): Dammit! Did statisticians get loose in the newsroom again?
Panel 8 (the off-panel voice): Stay back, cancer-head!
Votey:
A close-up of the bald newscaster's head/face. Bold hand-lettered text above reads: EAT SKULL!
Panel 2 (Newscaster): Tragically, as a newscaster, I am unable to understand the difference between the questions "Does an effect exist?" and "How strong is the effect?"
Panel 3 (Newscaster): Therefore, I have categorized all things into "causes cancer" and "does not cause cancer."
Panel 4 (Newscaster): Anything increasing the risk of cancer by no matter how minor the effect, will be treated as scary and important.
Panel 5 (Newscaster): For instance, the fact that I am bald means the people around me get a slightly higher dose of radiation from my body than they would if I wore a toupee.
Panel 6 (Newscaster, now standing and pointing emphatically): I, Steve Jennings, newscaster... CAUSE CANCER!
Panel 7 (an off-panel voice, shouting): Dammit! Did statisticians get loose in the newsroom again?
Panel 8 (the off-panel voice): Stay back, cancer-head!
Votey:
A close-up of the bald newscaster's head/face. Bold hand-lettered text above reads: EAT SKULL!
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A balding, mustached TV newscaster in a suit and tie speaks directly to camera across the panels. He says bacon causes cancer, then admits that as a newscaster he can't tell the difference between whether an effect exists and how strong it is, so he sorts everything into "causes cancer" and "does not cause cancer," treating any tiny risk increase as scary and important. As an example, he notes that being bald means people near him get a slightly higher dose of radiation than if he wore a toupee. In the second-to-last panel he stands and points dramatically, declaring "I, Steve Jennings, newscaster... CAUSE CANCER!" An off-panel voice shouts "Dammit! Did statisticians get loose in the newsroom again?" then "Stay back, cancer-head!" The votey is a hand-drawn close-up of the newscaster's bald head with bold lettering above reading "EAT SKULL!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.