infernomics
Original: infernomics on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): WE MADE AN IMPORTANT TECHNICAL DISCOVERY.
Woman with red hair (reading from a book): ACCORDING TO THIS, IF WE SACRIFICE THE BLOOD OF TWO HE-GOATS, WE CAN GET STUFF FROM SATAN!
Man: HOW MUCH STUFF?
Panel 2 (caption): A SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS WAS PERFORMED.
(Scientific-looking diagrams and figures shown on a board.)
Panel 3 (caption): THE PROCESS WAS INDUSTRIALIZED.
Man in hard hat (to a group): THIS FACTORY CAN PROCESS 2,000 LITERS OF HOGS PER HOUR, WHICH IS ENOUGH TO SUPPLY THE ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA WITH ORGANIC FRUIT SNACKS.
Panel 4 (caption): COST-SAVINGS WERE DISCOVERED.
Man in safety goggles: IT'S NEARLY DE-EQUIVALENT SYNTHETIC BLOOD. THE TRUE GOD WOULD SUPPLY THE HORDE. ACCEPTS IT AT A RATE OF $300 PER LITER.
Panel 5 (caption): SOON, ALL MANUFACTURING WAS RE-TOOLED.
Man (silhouetted, beside a large industrial machine): IT'S NICE TO SEE GOOD UNION JOBS COMING BACK TO AMERICA.
Sign on machine: BLOOD FOR $4 BLOOD GOD
Panel 6 (caption): BUT, AN OMINOUS TREND WAS DISCOVERED.
Man in suit: RETURN ON-SACRIFICE PER LITER HGB IS FALLING IN RATIO WITH SUPPLY.
Second man: I MEAN, IT IS HELL.
Panel 7 (caption): THE BLOOD-BUBBLE BURST.
Man in suit (distressed): TEN BUCKS PER GALLON? STEVE! GET ME SATAN ON THE OUIJA BOARD! HE DOES NOT WANT TO MESS WITH WALL STREET!
Panel 8 (caption): A COMPETING SUPPLIER WAS FOUND.
Man in suit: MY WORKFORCE IS 24,000 WILL-WORSHIP THE TRUE GOD BY EXCHANGE FOR 100,000 BAGS OF FRITOS PER DAY.
Figure resembling Jesus: I'M NOT SURE YOU'RE GOING INTO THIS WITH THE RIGHT SPIRIT.
Panel 9 (caption): THEY TURNED OUT TO BE UNRELIABLE.
Figure (Jesus-like): YOUR REWARD SHALL BE TRANQUILITY AND LIFE EVERLASTING.
Man: WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "FRITOS"?
Panel 10 (caption): FORTUNATELY, WE FOUND A WORKAROUND.
Man in suit: WE FOUND A SMALL THEOCRATIC NATION WHOSE WORKFORCE IS SLIGHTLY CHEAPER THAN BATHING THE DAMNED IN A NEVERENDING UNHOLY BAPTISM.
Second man: LET'S DO THEM A FAVOR AND BUILD A FACTORY!
Votey:
(A large empty oval/egg-like shape dominates the panel. To the left, a small figure with a wavy line for a mouth says "Not bad". Below, a hand holds a small bag of chips labeled "Taco" "Flavor".)
Woman with red hair (reading from a book): ACCORDING TO THIS, IF WE SACRIFICE THE BLOOD OF TWO HE-GOATS, WE CAN GET STUFF FROM SATAN!
Man: HOW MUCH STUFF?
Panel 2 (caption): A SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS WAS PERFORMED.
(Scientific-looking diagrams and figures shown on a board.)
Panel 3 (caption): THE PROCESS WAS INDUSTRIALIZED.
Man in hard hat (to a group): THIS FACTORY CAN PROCESS 2,000 LITERS OF HOGS PER HOUR, WHICH IS ENOUGH TO SUPPLY THE ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA WITH ORGANIC FRUIT SNACKS.
Panel 4 (caption): COST-SAVINGS WERE DISCOVERED.
Man in safety goggles: IT'S NEARLY DE-EQUIVALENT SYNTHETIC BLOOD. THE TRUE GOD WOULD SUPPLY THE HORDE. ACCEPTS IT AT A RATE OF $300 PER LITER.
Panel 5 (caption): SOON, ALL MANUFACTURING WAS RE-TOOLED.
Man (silhouetted, beside a large industrial machine): IT'S NICE TO SEE GOOD UNION JOBS COMING BACK TO AMERICA.
Sign on machine: BLOOD FOR $4 BLOOD GOD
Panel 6 (caption): BUT, AN OMINOUS TREND WAS DISCOVERED.
Man in suit: RETURN ON-SACRIFICE PER LITER HGB IS FALLING IN RATIO WITH SUPPLY.
Second man: I MEAN, IT IS HELL.
Panel 7 (caption): THE BLOOD-BUBBLE BURST.
Man in suit (distressed): TEN BUCKS PER GALLON? STEVE! GET ME SATAN ON THE OUIJA BOARD! HE DOES NOT WANT TO MESS WITH WALL STREET!
Panel 8 (caption): A COMPETING SUPPLIER WAS FOUND.
Man in suit: MY WORKFORCE IS 24,000 WILL-WORSHIP THE TRUE GOD BY EXCHANGE FOR 100,000 BAGS OF FRITOS PER DAY.
Figure resembling Jesus: I'M NOT SURE YOU'RE GOING INTO THIS WITH THE RIGHT SPIRIT.
Panel 9 (caption): THEY TURNED OUT TO BE UNRELIABLE.
Figure (Jesus-like): YOUR REWARD SHALL BE TRANQUILITY AND LIFE EVERLASTING.
Man: WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "FRITOS"?
Panel 10 (caption): FORTUNATELY, WE FOUND A WORKAROUND.
Man in suit: WE FOUND A SMALL THEOCRATIC NATION WHOSE WORKFORCE IS SLIGHTLY CHEAPER THAN BATHING THE DAMNED IN A NEVERENDING UNHOLY BAPTISM.
Second man: LET'S DO THEM A FAVOR AND BUILD A FACTORY!
Votey:
(A large empty oval/egg-like shape dominates the panel. To the left, a small figure with a wavy line for a mouth says "Not bad". Below, a hand holds a small bag of chips labeled "Taco" "Flavor".)
Alt text
A tall multi-panel black-and-white SMBC comic, each panel topped by a red caption banner, telling a deadpan business story about industrializing the sale of blood/souls to Satan as if it were a commodity market. Panel 1 ("WE MADE AN IMPORTANT TECHNICAL DISCOVERY"): a red-haired woman reading a book tells a man that sacrificing the blood of two he-goats lets them get stuff from Satan; he asks how much stuff. Panel 2 ("A SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS WAS PERFORMED"): scientific diagrams on a board. Panel 3 ("THE PROCESS WAS INDUSTRIALIZED"): a hard-hatted man tells a crowd the factory processes 2,000 liters of hogs per hour, enough to supply the tri-state area with organic fruit snacks. Panel 4 ("COST-SAVINGS WERE DISCOVERED"): a goggled man explains synthetic-blood economics at $300 per liter. Panel 5 ("SOON, ALL MANUFACTURING WAS RE-TOOLED"): a silhouetted man beside a huge machine labeled "BLOOD FOR $4 BLOOD GOD" approves of union jobs returning to America. Panel 6 ("BUT, AN OMINOUS TREND WAS DISCOVERED"): a suited man notes return-on-sacrifice is falling with supply; another deadpans "I mean, it is hell." Panel 7 ("THE BLOOD-BUBBLE BURST"): a panicked executive demands someone get Satan on the Ouija board over crashing prices. Panel 8 ("A COMPETING SUPPLIER WAS FOUND"): an executive offers a Jesus-like figure 100,000 bags of Fritos per day for worship; the figure says he's not entering this with the right spirit. Panel 9 ("THEY TURNED OUT TO BE UNRELIABLE"): the Jesus figure promises tranquility and life everlasting; the man yells what part of the word "Fritos" don't you understand. Panel 10 ("FORTUNATELY, WE FOUND A WORKAROUND"): an executive describes finding a small theocratic nation whose workforce is cheaper than damnation; another says let's build them a factory. The joke treats salvation, damnation, and divine worship purely as labor and commodity markets. Votey: a large empty oval shape with a small figure to the left saying "Not bad," and a hand holding a chip bag labeled Taco "Flavor" below it.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.