2015-02-25
Original: 2015-02-25 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: APOLOGY CARDS
Subtitle: SORTED BY DISCIPLINE
PHYSICS:
If the universe is deterministic, it's not my fault.
If the universe has random outcomes, I couldn't have predicted that my behavior would upset you.
CHEMISTRY:
Given that my mistake was only 1 ppm of the time in our relationship, I think it can safely be ignored.
BIOLOGY:
Listen, if you wanted perfection, you shouldn't have dated someone with 3.9 billion years of evolutionary history.
PSYCHOLOGY:
According to a survey of twenty white college students, you shouldn't still be mad at me.
Therefore, it is FACT.
ECONOMICS:
Reality always achieves instant equilibrium.
So, you're not even mad any more.
PHILOSOPHY:
I'm going to need you to prove 'emotion' is a meaningful category before I believe 'you' are upset.
Votey:
[Header label:] COMICS
A smiling stick figure raises both hands, each with the middle finger extended.
Subtitle: SORTED BY DISCIPLINE
PHYSICS:
If the universe is deterministic, it's not my fault.
If the universe has random outcomes, I couldn't have predicted that my behavior would upset you.
CHEMISTRY:
Given that my mistake was only 1 ppm of the time in our relationship, I think it can safely be ignored.
BIOLOGY:
Listen, if you wanted perfection, you shouldn't have dated someone with 3.9 billion years of evolutionary history.
PSYCHOLOGY:
According to a survey of twenty white college students, you shouldn't still be mad at me.
Therefore, it is FACT.
ECONOMICS:
Reality always achieves instant equilibrium.
So, you're not even mad any more.
PHILOSOPHY:
I'm going to need you to prove 'emotion' is a meaningful category before I believe 'you' are upset.
Votey:
[Header label:] COMICS
A smiling stick figure raises both hands, each with the middle finger extended.
Alt text
An SMBC comic titled "APOLOGY CARDS, SORTED BY DISCIPLINE." It is a tall list of mock greeting-card apologies, each labeled with an academic field, formatted as a heading on the left and the card's text on the right. PHYSICS: "If the universe is deterministic, it's not my fault. If the universe has random outcomes, I couldn't have predicted that my behavior would upset you." CHEMISTRY: "Given that my mistake was only 1 ppm of the time in our relationship, I think it can safely be ignored." BIOLOGY: "Listen, if you wanted perfection, you shouldn't have dated someone with 3.9 billion years of evolutionary history." PSYCHOLOGY: "According to a survey of twenty white college students, you shouldn't still be mad at me. Therefore, it is FACT." ECONOMICS: "Reality always achieves instant equilibrium. So, you're not even mad any more." PHILOSOPHY: "I'm going to need you to prove 'emotion' is a meaningful category before I believe 'you' are upset." The joke is that each discipline produces an absurd, non-apologetic excuse dressed in its own jargon. Votey: a small panel labeled "COMICS" shows a smiling stick figure holding up both hands and extending the middle finger on each.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.