2014-10-26
Original: 2014-10-26 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption over a field of binary digits):
THE REAL CURRENCY OF MODERN LIFE IS INFORMATION.
Panel 2 (caption, then equations):
SO WE DECIDED TO MAKE IT THE ACTUAL CURRENCY.
v = r • e • p
v = value of info
r = rarity of info
e = exchangees of info
p = people affected by info release
Panel 3 (caption):
THIS WAS MUCH EASIER THAN MONEY.
Woman (on phone): HOW MUCH FOR A CRUNCHARITO WRAP?™
Reply (phone): PLEASE WRITE DOWN ONE PAINFUL HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY.
Panel 4 (caption):
IT ALSO LED TO A BETTER DISTRIBUTION OF GOODS.
Man: HOW DO YOU AFFORD THIS CAR? IT GO SO MUCH?
Reply: I GREW UP IN THE BAD PART OF TOWN. I DRANK SOME JUICE.
Panel 5 (caption):
AND A MORE TRANSPARENT GOVERNMENT.
Figure: I'D LOVE TO PURCHASE A NEW FLEET OF DRONES. THE PENTAGON WILL RELEASE ALL THE CRAZY THINGS IT DID IN THE 1950s, AS WELL AS A PHOTO OF ALLEN DULLES' LEFT NIPPLE.
Panel 6 (caption):
UNTIL, ONE DAY, THERE WAS AN ECONOMIC CRUNCH.
With HYPERINFLATION.
Woman (on phone): HOW MUCH FOR A CRUNCHARITO WRAP?™
Reply: THREE SEPARATE MEDICAL RECORDS SHOWING A FOREIGN OBJECT REMOVED FROM YOUR ANUS.
Panel 7 (caption):
CITIZENS WERE FORCED TO CREATE NEW EMBARRASSING INFORMATION JUST TO SURVIVE.
Woman (on phone): HOW MUCH FOR A CRUNCHARITO WRAP?™
Reply: CULTIVATING A CLOWN FETISH. I THINK I CAN GET THREE LOAVES OF BREAD FOR IT.
Woman: WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE, HONEY?
Panel 8 (caption):
EVER MORE EMBARRASSING INFORMATION WAS REQUIRED FOR EVER SMALLER GOODS AND SERVICES.
Man: I TAUGHT SANTA HOW REAL UNTIL I WAS 18 YEARS OLD.
Reply: I HAVE A TATTOO OF A SECOND BUTTHOLE ON MY BUTT. I ONCE BELIEVED I WAS DESTINED FOR A PROMISES MADE BY A PRESIDENT RUNNING FOR A SECOND TERM!
Panel 9 (caption):
JUST AS THINGS LOOKED GRIM, AN INVENTOR CAME ALONG.
Inventor: THIS ROBOT DOES TWO THINGS AT HIGH SPEED: (1) SHAMEFUL ACT, AND (2) REVEALING THEM.
Reply: WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH UNIVAC.
Panel 10 (caption):
THE BOX WAS SO CHEAP, EVERYONE GOT ONE. WE ENTERED POST-INFORMATION-SCARCITY WORLD.
Inventor: CITIZENS OF EARTH! I PROMISE A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT AND A SHAMEFUL REVELATION IN EVERY EAR!
Panel 11 (caption):
THERE WAS JUST ONE PROBLEM.
Man: DID ANYONE REMEMBER TO GROW FOOD THIS YEAR?
Woman: I'D LOOK THAT UP, BUT WITH ALL THE NEW INFORMATION IT'D TAKE A DECADE TO FIND THE GLORY.
Panel 12 (caption):
EVERYONE IS DEAD NOW.
(A skull lies on the ground.)
Panel 13 (caption):
ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE DIED WITH A GREAT SECRET.
(A small label points at a plant: "corpse of dead, forgot to water the plants")
Votey:
A wide-eyed person leans on a counter, looking nervously toward a potted plant whose leaves are arranged like raised, gesturing hands.
THE REAL CURRENCY OF MODERN LIFE IS INFORMATION.
Panel 2 (caption, then equations):
SO WE DECIDED TO MAKE IT THE ACTUAL CURRENCY.
v = r • e • p
v = value of info
r = rarity of info
e = exchangees of info
p = people affected by info release
Panel 3 (caption):
THIS WAS MUCH EASIER THAN MONEY.
Woman (on phone): HOW MUCH FOR A CRUNCHARITO WRAP?™
Reply (phone): PLEASE WRITE DOWN ONE PAINFUL HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY.
Panel 4 (caption):
IT ALSO LED TO A BETTER DISTRIBUTION OF GOODS.
Man: HOW DO YOU AFFORD THIS CAR? IT GO SO MUCH?
Reply: I GREW UP IN THE BAD PART OF TOWN. I DRANK SOME JUICE.
Panel 5 (caption):
AND A MORE TRANSPARENT GOVERNMENT.
Figure: I'D LOVE TO PURCHASE A NEW FLEET OF DRONES. THE PENTAGON WILL RELEASE ALL THE CRAZY THINGS IT DID IN THE 1950s, AS WELL AS A PHOTO OF ALLEN DULLES' LEFT NIPPLE.
Panel 6 (caption):
UNTIL, ONE DAY, THERE WAS AN ECONOMIC CRUNCH.
With HYPERINFLATION.
Woman (on phone): HOW MUCH FOR A CRUNCHARITO WRAP?™
Reply: THREE SEPARATE MEDICAL RECORDS SHOWING A FOREIGN OBJECT REMOVED FROM YOUR ANUS.
Panel 7 (caption):
CITIZENS WERE FORCED TO CREATE NEW EMBARRASSING INFORMATION JUST TO SURVIVE.
Woman (on phone): HOW MUCH FOR A CRUNCHARITO WRAP?™
Reply: CULTIVATING A CLOWN FETISH. I THINK I CAN GET THREE LOAVES OF BREAD FOR IT.
Woman: WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE, HONEY?
Panel 8 (caption):
EVER MORE EMBARRASSING INFORMATION WAS REQUIRED FOR EVER SMALLER GOODS AND SERVICES.
Man: I TAUGHT SANTA HOW REAL UNTIL I WAS 18 YEARS OLD.
Reply: I HAVE A TATTOO OF A SECOND BUTTHOLE ON MY BUTT. I ONCE BELIEVED I WAS DESTINED FOR A PROMISES MADE BY A PRESIDENT RUNNING FOR A SECOND TERM!
Panel 9 (caption):
JUST AS THINGS LOOKED GRIM, AN INVENTOR CAME ALONG.
Inventor: THIS ROBOT DOES TWO THINGS AT HIGH SPEED: (1) SHAMEFUL ACT, AND (2) REVEALING THEM.
Reply: WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH UNIVAC.
Panel 10 (caption):
THE BOX WAS SO CHEAP, EVERYONE GOT ONE. WE ENTERED POST-INFORMATION-SCARCITY WORLD.
Inventor: CITIZENS OF EARTH! I PROMISE A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT AND A SHAMEFUL REVELATION IN EVERY EAR!
Panel 11 (caption):
THERE WAS JUST ONE PROBLEM.
Man: DID ANYONE REMEMBER TO GROW FOOD THIS YEAR?
Woman: I'D LOOK THAT UP, BUT WITH ALL THE NEW INFORMATION IT'D TAKE A DECADE TO FIND THE GLORY.
Panel 12 (caption):
EVERYONE IS DEAD NOW.
(A skull lies on the ground.)
Panel 13 (caption):
ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE DIED WITH A GREAT SECRET.
(A small label points at a plant: "corpse of dead, forgot to water the plants")
Votey:
A wide-eyed person leans on a counter, looking nervously toward a potted plant whose leaves are arranged like raised, gesturing hands.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrating a future where information became literal currency. Opening panels: over a wall of binary digits, captions explain "The real currency of modern life is information," so society made it the actual currency, with a value formula v = r•e•p (value = rarity × exchanges × people affected). It's easier than money: a woman on the phone asks the price of a 'Cruncharito Wrap' and is told to write down a painful high-school memory. Goods are better distributed (a man explains his fancy car by saying he grew up rough and 'drank some juice') and government is transparent (an official offers to buy drones by releasing the Pentagon's 1950s secrets and a photo of Allen Dulles' nipple). Then hyperinflation hits: the Cruncharito now costs three medical records of an object removed from someone's anus, so citizens must manufacture ever-more-embarrassing secrets just to buy bread, confessing clown fetishes and fake tattoos late at night. An inventor unveils a robot that performs a shameful act and reveals it at high speed (confessing a one-night stand with the UNIVAC computer); the cheap box ends information scarcity, the inventor promising 'a shameful revelation in every ear.' The catch: everyone was too busy generating secrets to grow food, and a final panel shows a lone skull—'Everyone is dead now'—with the wry note that they died holding a great secret. Votey: a wide-eyed person leans on a counter, eyeing a potted plant whose leaves look like raised, gesturing hands.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.