2014-11-11
Original: 2014-11-11 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: Money is a generic unit of value, which does not consider the source from which it came. This is so by our social system.
Bald man: How will you go about paying for the cupcakes?
Woman: Money stolen from a homeless family.
Bald man: Sure, fine. But cash or credit?
Panel 2:
Narration: So, we instituted a new policy.
Woman (gesturing): Henceforth, there will be three kinds of money! Money got evilly, money got goodly, and money got in a morally neutral manner. Evil money can only be used to buy evil things, good money to buy good things, and neutral money to buy everything else.
Panel 3:
Narration: The number of financial classes required.
(A chart with columns labeled POOR, MIDDLE CLASS, RICH and rows labeled GOOD, NEUTRAL, EVIL.)
GOOD / POOR: FOLKS
GOOD / MIDDLE CLASS: FOLKS
GOOD / RICH: PHILANTHROPISTS
NEUTRAL / POOR: FOLKS
NEUTRAL / MIDDLE CLASS: BOURGEOIS
NEUTRAL / RICH: BOURGEOIS
EVIL / POOR: PETTY CRIMINALS
EVIL / MIDDLE CLASS: BOURGEOIS
EVIL / RICH: CONGRESS
Panel 4:
Narration: Class dynamics changed rapidly.
Man with long hair: I had billions from improperly rated mortgage-backed securities, but all I can buy is snake venom and baby skulls!
Woman: I teach handicapped kindergarteners to read. All I can buy is inspirational posters, paint, and porcelain angels.
Panel 5:
Narration: The middle-neutral class disappeared.
A man: I sold these cookies.
A woman: How was that money acquired?
The man: Data entry. Bad mortgage data and not for an insurance claims adjuster.
Panel 6:
Narration: Both good and evil fell out of fashion.
Woman: Hey! You launched a crusade against injustice?
Man: So can do my mortgage has no integrity, which means high moral character.
Panel 7:
Narration: The social consequences were drastic and horrible.
Man: The national crime rate has fallen to zero, as has the door-to-door preaching rate.
Panel 8:
Narration: The system worked so well, we decided to perfect it.
Black man: If I gave a random person flowers, is that purely good? Growing it increases CO2 emissions, and what about people who didn't get any flowers? Are they harmed?
Panel 9:
Narration: A horrific discovery was made.
Same man: We have discovered trace elements of evil contaminating all human behavior.
Panel 10:
Narration: The old way was restored.
Woman at podium: Henceforth, money will once again be exchangeable for anything. As the head of state, I would like to apologize to all of the evil people who may have been harmed.
Panel 11:
Narration: Oh well. At least we tried.
Bald man: Wait... so I could pay a senator to give my company a loan, sell that company right before it went bankrupt, then use that money to buy this apple pie?
Woman: It's a sick system, isn't it?
Votey:
A woman: So, the moral is...
A balding man (with a cigarette): The what?
Narration: Money is a generic unit of value, which does not consider the source from which it came. This is so by our social system.
Bald man: How will you go about paying for the cupcakes?
Woman: Money stolen from a homeless family.
Bald man: Sure, fine. But cash or credit?
Panel 2:
Narration: So, we instituted a new policy.
Woman (gesturing): Henceforth, there will be three kinds of money! Money got evilly, money got goodly, and money got in a morally neutral manner. Evil money can only be used to buy evil things, good money to buy good things, and neutral money to buy everything else.
Panel 3:
Narration: The number of financial classes required.
(A chart with columns labeled POOR, MIDDLE CLASS, RICH and rows labeled GOOD, NEUTRAL, EVIL.)
GOOD / POOR: FOLKS
GOOD / MIDDLE CLASS: FOLKS
GOOD / RICH: PHILANTHROPISTS
NEUTRAL / POOR: FOLKS
NEUTRAL / MIDDLE CLASS: BOURGEOIS
NEUTRAL / RICH: BOURGEOIS
EVIL / POOR: PETTY CRIMINALS
EVIL / MIDDLE CLASS: BOURGEOIS
EVIL / RICH: CONGRESS
Panel 4:
Narration: Class dynamics changed rapidly.
Man with long hair: I had billions from improperly rated mortgage-backed securities, but all I can buy is snake venom and baby skulls!
Woman: I teach handicapped kindergarteners to read. All I can buy is inspirational posters, paint, and porcelain angels.
Panel 5:
Narration: The middle-neutral class disappeared.
A man: I sold these cookies.
A woman: How was that money acquired?
The man: Data entry. Bad mortgage data and not for an insurance claims adjuster.
Panel 6:
Narration: Both good and evil fell out of fashion.
Woman: Hey! You launched a crusade against injustice?
Man: So can do my mortgage has no integrity, which means high moral character.
Panel 7:
Narration: The social consequences were drastic and horrible.
Man: The national crime rate has fallen to zero, as has the door-to-door preaching rate.
Panel 8:
Narration: The system worked so well, we decided to perfect it.
Black man: If I gave a random person flowers, is that purely good? Growing it increases CO2 emissions, and what about people who didn't get any flowers? Are they harmed?
Panel 9:
Narration: A horrific discovery was made.
Same man: We have discovered trace elements of evil contaminating all human behavior.
Panel 10:
Narration: The old way was restored.
Woman at podium: Henceforth, money will once again be exchangeable for anything. As the head of state, I would like to apologize to all of the evil people who may have been harmed.
Panel 11:
Narration: Oh well. At least we tried.
Bald man: Wait... so I could pay a senator to give my company a loan, sell that company right before it went bankrupt, then use that money to buy this apple pie?
Woman: It's a sick system, isn't it?
Votey:
A woman: So, the moral is...
A balding man (with a cigarette): The what?
Alt text
An eleven-panel SMBC comic satirizing the idea of morally-categorized money. Panel 1: a narration box reads that money is a generic unit of value not considering its source; a woman tells a bald shopkeeper she's paying with "money stolen from a homeless family," and he replies "Sure, fine. But cash or credit?" Panel 2: a new policy is announced creating three kinds of money: gotten evilly, goodly, or morally neutrally, each usable only for matching purchases. Panel 3: a 3x3 chart titled "the number of financial classes required," with rows GOOD/NEUTRAL/EVIL and columns POOR/MIDDLE CLASS/RICH; entries label good-rich as "philanthropists," evil-poor as "petty criminals," and evil-rich as "Congress." Panel 4: class dynamics shift; a man laments that his billions from mortgage-backed securities can only buy "snake venom and baby skulls," while a teacher of disabled kindergarteners can only buy inspirational posters and porcelain angels. Panel 5: the middle-neutral class vanishes as a cookie seller's money is traced to mortgage data entry. Panel 6: both good and evil fall out of fashion. Panel 7: a man notes the crime rate and door-to-door preaching rate have both fallen to zero. Panel 8: trying to perfect the system, a man frets that giving flowers raises CO2 and harms those who got none. Panel 9: a horrific discovery: "trace elements of evil contaminating all human behavior." Panel 10: the old system is restored; a head of state at a podium apologizes to "all of the evil people who may have been harmed." Panel 11: a customer realizes he could bribe a senator for a company loan, sell before bankruptcy, and use the money to buy a pie; a woman says "It's a sick system, isn't it?" Votey: a woman begins "So, the moral is..." and a balding man with a cigarette interrupts, "The what?"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.