2014-06-05
Original: 2014-06-05 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man in suit (agent type, with sunglasses): Come with me, Mister Swanson.
Swanson: What's going on?
Panel 2:
Agent: Son, interdimensional travel is now possible, and other dimensions are sending spies. In most cases, we cannot recognize them, but THEY recognize you.
Swanson: Huh?
Panel 3:
Agent: In every other universe -- in LITERALLY every other universe -- you are an evil mega-genius who rises to world power, reigns from space with an iron fist, and kills half of humanity before he is stopped. You are the greatest, most terrible, human being ever born.
Panel 4:
Swanson: Why is this universe different?
Agent: In this universe you get dumped by Sally at age 19 and use the sadness as an excuse to never finish that engineering degree.
Panel 5:
Agent: 30 years later, you're a lonely unemployed miser, friendly to nobody, but completely harmless, who currently works at Whitecastle.
Swanson: Who manages at Whitecastle?
Panel 6:
Agent: We need you to walk around all day while we watch for strangers who smile at you for no reason.
Swanson: Those people are interdimensional spies?
Agent: About 10% of them, yes.
Votey:
Caption above a smiling woman's face: STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS!
Man in suit (agent type, with sunglasses): Come with me, Mister Swanson.
Swanson: What's going on?
Panel 2:
Agent: Son, interdimensional travel is now possible, and other dimensions are sending spies. In most cases, we cannot recognize them, but THEY recognize you.
Swanson: Huh?
Panel 3:
Agent: In every other universe -- in LITERALLY every other universe -- you are an evil mega-genius who rises to world power, reigns from space with an iron fist, and kills half of humanity before he is stopped. You are the greatest, most terrible, human being ever born.
Panel 4:
Swanson: Why is this universe different?
Agent: In this universe you get dumped by Sally at age 19 and use the sadness as an excuse to never finish that engineering degree.
Panel 5:
Agent: 30 years later, you're a lonely unemployed miser, friendly to nobody, but completely harmless, who currently works at Whitecastle.
Swanson: Who manages at Whitecastle?
Panel 6:
Agent: We need you to walk around all day while we watch for strangers who smile at you for no reason.
Swanson: Those people are interdimensional spies?
Agent: About 10% of them, yes.
Votey:
Caption above a smiling woman's face: STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS!
Alt text
A six-panel SMBC comic. A serious man in a suit and sunglasses (an agent) approaches an ordinary balding man named Swanson. The agent explains that interdimensional travel is now possible and that other dimensions send spies who, in most cases, can't be recognized -- but who recognize Swanson. He reveals that in literally every other universe, Swanson is an evil mega-genius who seizes world power, reigns from space with an iron fist, and kills half of humanity: the greatest, most terrible human being ever born. The agent says this universe is different because here Swanson got dumped by Sally at age 19 and used the sadness as an excuse to never finish his engineering degree. Thirty years later he is a lonely, unemployed, friendless but harmless miser who works at White Castle. Confused, Swanson asks who manages at White Castle. The agent says they need Swanson to walk around all day so they can watch for strangers who smile at him for no reason -- about 10% of whom are interdimensional spies. The votey is a separate panel showing a smiling woman's face with the caption 'STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS!', a darkly ironic punchline given that not finishing school is what kept Swanson from becoming a genocidal tyrant.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.