2013-12-07
Original: 2013-12-07 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman: Wait, stop! There. "Sex is ambiguous."
Man: Huh?
Woman: There are two kingdoms of sex: procreation and communication.
Panel 2:
Woman: Definitely not procreation.
Woman: That leaves seven phyla: fun, lust, apology, despair, frustration, confusion, and maintenance.
Panel 3:
Man: Fun?
Woman: You sure it's not maintenance? Maintenance has a lot of cladistic similarity to fun. You really have to look at the first two or three minutes of sex and consider reaction time and pupil dilation.
Panel 4:
Man: Can't it be both?
Woman: Sorry. The entire maintenance/sex tree is monophyletic. But it has three major branches: love, fear and habit.
Panel 5:
Man: Why can't we just have sex?
Woman: Oh my god.
Woman: We just transitioned to frustration sex! This is the first confirmed horizontal transfer of sex taxonomy!
Panel 6:
Man: Forget it. I'm going to sleep.
Woman: Just as I feared.
Woman: The hybrid is stillborn.
Votey:
Woman (excited, off to the side): That's gold!
Man (deadpan): You're weird.
Woman: Wait, stop! There. "Sex is ambiguous."
Man: Huh?
Woman: There are two kingdoms of sex: procreation and communication.
Panel 2:
Woman: Definitely not procreation.
Woman: That leaves seven phyla: fun, lust, apology, despair, frustration, confusion, and maintenance.
Panel 3:
Man: Fun?
Woman: You sure it's not maintenance? Maintenance has a lot of cladistic similarity to fun. You really have to look at the first two or three minutes of sex and consider reaction time and pupil dilation.
Panel 4:
Man: Can't it be both?
Woman: Sorry. The entire maintenance/sex tree is monophyletic. But it has three major branches: love, fear and habit.
Panel 5:
Man: Why can't we just have sex?
Woman: Oh my god.
Woman: We just transitioned to frustration sex! This is the first confirmed horizontal transfer of sex taxonomy!
Panel 6:
Man: Forget it. I'm going to sleep.
Woman: Just as I feared.
Woman: The hybrid is stillborn.
Votey:
Woman (excited, off to the side): That's gold!
Man (deadpan): You're weird.
Alt text
A six-panel comic. A woman with dark hair and a man with light hair sit close together, apparently in bed. The woman, increasingly animated, treats sex as a topic of biological taxonomy. She declares there are two kingdoms of sex, procreation and communication, then breaks communication into seven phyla (fun, lust, apology, despair, frustration, confusion, maintenance). She debates whether the moment is fun or maintenance, citing reaction time and pupil dilation, and explains the maintenance/sex tree is monophyletic with three branches: love, fear, and habit. The man, baffled, asks why they can't just have sex; the woman gleefully announces they've transitioned to frustration sex, a first confirmed horizontal transfer of sex taxonomy. The man gives up and says he's going to sleep, and she concludes "the hybrid is stillborn." In the votey (bonus panel), the woman beams and says "That's gold!" while the man, deadpan, replies "You're weird."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.