2013-11-01
Original: 2013-11-01 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (red caption): THE PRESIDENT HAD A PROBLEM.
President: I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT IF I JUST SOMEHOW SIT AND CHAT WITH EACH CITIZEN, THEY'LL GET IT. IF I MAKE A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT, IT'LL BE POLITICIZED AND NOBODY WILL BE HAPPY.
Panel 2 (red caption): A SCIENCE ADVISOR HAD A SOLUTION.
Science advisor: WHAT IF WE MADE A ROBOTIC INSTANTIATION OF YOUR PERSONALITY TO TALK TO EACH CITIZEN SIMULTANEOUSLY?
Panel 3 (red caption): CITIZENS LOVED THE PROGRAM.
Citizen (woman at window): OH MY DARLING! IT'S THE PRESIDENT! COULD I TAKE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME TO DISCUSS CENTRAL ASIA?
Panel 4 (red caption): IT WAS GREAT FOR FANS OF MINE.
Man: GOD BLESS YOU, TITAN OF PATRIOTISM!
Robot-president: THANKS FOR COMING. WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE? LIKE... REALLY HARD?
Panel 5 (red caption): FOR ENGENDERING WIDER FAITH IN ME.
Narration cont.: THE PRESIDENT'S APPROVAL IS DISMAL, AND UNBRIDGED OBJECTIONS RAGE IS AT A FIVE YEAR LOW. WE PREDICT RE-ELECTION BY LANDSLIDE.
Panel 6 (red caption): IT EVEN GAVE US INSIGHT INTO HOW PEOPLE THINK.
Robot-president: NOW... ABOUT A ROBOT FOR EVERY ISSUE? IT'S THIS GENERATION'S FIRESIDE CHAT.
Panel 7 (red caption): BUT THE PROGRAM HAD A FLAW.
President: HMM. WHY?
Panel 8 (red caption): SO THE PROGRAM EXPANDED.
Robot-president: WHY YES, DAWSON. I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHY SUBSIDIZING THE GELATIN INDUSTRY IS NECESSARY AND PROPER.
Panel 9 (red caption): THE BIGGER ISSUE WAS THAT IT WAS EFFECTIVE.
Robot-president: MRS. DAWSON! MRS. DAWSON! I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT CHAINED CPI CALCULATION!
Woman: (gasps)
Panel 10 (red caption): WHEN A CHILD ASKED HOW POLLING WORKS, THE WHOLE THING NEARLY FELL APART.
Robots (crowd): MRS. DAWSON! / MRS. DAWSON! THAT'S LIKE CRAZY! / MRS. DAWSON! DO YOU SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN? / MRS. DAWSON! THE DELAWARE RECESSION NEEDS YOU!
Panel 11 (red caption): THINGS WENT BAD RAPIDLY.
President: APPROVAL HAS FALLEN TO 19%. 47% OF RESPONDENTS ARE CURRENTLY ROCKING THEMSELVES IN AN ADDLED FORM OR GOLAB IN A PUDDLE OF THEIR OWN EXCRETA. MANY, BACK TO SPORTS.
Panel 12 (red caption): UNTIL THERE WAS A HAPPY REALIZATION.
Robot-president: YOU ALL NEED MY VOTE DESPERATELY, DON'T YOU?
President: YES!
Panel 13 (red caption): THEY FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
Robots (silhouettes charging).
Panel 14 (red caption): ENTERTAINMENT BECAME CHEAP AND A SIMPLER POLITICAL STRUCTURE EMERGED.
Robot-president: THEY'RE DEAD. EVERY DAMNED ONE, DEAD BY MY HAND. NOW CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY BOYHOOD IN MIDDLE AMERICA?
Woman: I PLEDGE DO.
Panel 15 (red caption): THE WAY FORWARD WAS CLEAR.
President: MR. PRESIDENT, WE NEED MORE POWERFUL, MORE LETHAL ROBOTS.
Robot-president: SURE! WHAT FOR?
Panel 16 (red caption): THE RESULTS WERE SPECTACULAR.
President: THE MIDDLE CLASS TAX BRACKET IS 2% FROM OPTIMAL!
Muscular robot-president: YOU'RE JUST A MARXIST PLUTOCRAT!
Panel 17 (red caption): UNTIL WE REACHED A TURNING POINT.
Winged robot-president: I AM VICTORIOUS! AND I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN MEAT-ME!
Panel 18 (red caption): THE FINAL BATTLE BY CONGRESS WAS SETTLED.
Robot-president: WE MUST SUPPORT THE FARMERS. AGREE OR BE ATOMIZED!
Panel 19 (red caption): WHICH IS WHY I'M SAD WE HAD TO QUIT.
Robot-president: COULD YOU TELL US WHAT THE ADMINISTRATION IS DOING IN BOLIVIA?
Man: NOW I LOVE YOUR CANDOR.
Votey: A man with flame-like (orange) hair sits at a counter, looking down at a small spindly black object resting on the surface. A speech bubble above him reads: HUH.
President: I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT IF I JUST SOMEHOW SIT AND CHAT WITH EACH CITIZEN, THEY'LL GET IT. IF I MAKE A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT, IT'LL BE POLITICIZED AND NOBODY WILL BE HAPPY.
Panel 2 (red caption): A SCIENCE ADVISOR HAD A SOLUTION.
Science advisor: WHAT IF WE MADE A ROBOTIC INSTANTIATION OF YOUR PERSONALITY TO TALK TO EACH CITIZEN SIMULTANEOUSLY?
Panel 3 (red caption): CITIZENS LOVED THE PROGRAM.
Citizen (woman at window): OH MY DARLING! IT'S THE PRESIDENT! COULD I TAKE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME TO DISCUSS CENTRAL ASIA?
Panel 4 (red caption): IT WAS GREAT FOR FANS OF MINE.
Man: GOD BLESS YOU, TITAN OF PATRIOTISM!
Robot-president: THANKS FOR COMING. WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE? LIKE... REALLY HARD?
Panel 5 (red caption): FOR ENGENDERING WIDER FAITH IN ME.
Narration cont.: THE PRESIDENT'S APPROVAL IS DISMAL, AND UNBRIDGED OBJECTIONS RAGE IS AT A FIVE YEAR LOW. WE PREDICT RE-ELECTION BY LANDSLIDE.
Panel 6 (red caption): IT EVEN GAVE US INSIGHT INTO HOW PEOPLE THINK.
Robot-president: NOW... ABOUT A ROBOT FOR EVERY ISSUE? IT'S THIS GENERATION'S FIRESIDE CHAT.
Panel 7 (red caption): BUT THE PROGRAM HAD A FLAW.
President: HMM. WHY?
Panel 8 (red caption): SO THE PROGRAM EXPANDED.
Robot-president: WHY YES, DAWSON. I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHY SUBSIDIZING THE GELATIN INDUSTRY IS NECESSARY AND PROPER.
Panel 9 (red caption): THE BIGGER ISSUE WAS THAT IT WAS EFFECTIVE.
Robot-president: MRS. DAWSON! MRS. DAWSON! I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT CHAINED CPI CALCULATION!
Woman: (gasps)
Panel 10 (red caption): WHEN A CHILD ASKED HOW POLLING WORKS, THE WHOLE THING NEARLY FELL APART.
Robots (crowd): MRS. DAWSON! / MRS. DAWSON! THAT'S LIKE CRAZY! / MRS. DAWSON! DO YOU SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN? / MRS. DAWSON! THE DELAWARE RECESSION NEEDS YOU!
Panel 11 (red caption): THINGS WENT BAD RAPIDLY.
President: APPROVAL HAS FALLEN TO 19%. 47% OF RESPONDENTS ARE CURRENTLY ROCKING THEMSELVES IN AN ADDLED FORM OR GOLAB IN A PUDDLE OF THEIR OWN EXCRETA. MANY, BACK TO SPORTS.
Panel 12 (red caption): UNTIL THERE WAS A HAPPY REALIZATION.
Robot-president: YOU ALL NEED MY VOTE DESPERATELY, DON'T YOU?
President: YES!
Panel 13 (red caption): THEY FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
Robots (silhouettes charging).
Panel 14 (red caption): ENTERTAINMENT BECAME CHEAP AND A SIMPLER POLITICAL STRUCTURE EMERGED.
Robot-president: THEY'RE DEAD. EVERY DAMNED ONE, DEAD BY MY HAND. NOW CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY BOYHOOD IN MIDDLE AMERICA?
Woman: I PLEDGE DO.
Panel 15 (red caption): THE WAY FORWARD WAS CLEAR.
President: MR. PRESIDENT, WE NEED MORE POWERFUL, MORE LETHAL ROBOTS.
Robot-president: SURE! WHAT FOR?
Panel 16 (red caption): THE RESULTS WERE SPECTACULAR.
President: THE MIDDLE CLASS TAX BRACKET IS 2% FROM OPTIMAL!
Muscular robot-president: YOU'RE JUST A MARXIST PLUTOCRAT!
Panel 17 (red caption): UNTIL WE REACHED A TURNING POINT.
Winged robot-president: I AM VICTORIOUS! AND I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN MEAT-ME!
Panel 18 (red caption): THE FINAL BATTLE BY CONGRESS WAS SETTLED.
Robot-president: WE MUST SUPPORT THE FARMERS. AGREE OR BE ATOMIZED!
Panel 19 (red caption): WHICH IS WHY I'M SAD WE HAD TO QUIT.
Robot-president: COULD YOU TELL US WHAT THE ADMINISTRATION IS DOING IN BOLIVIA?
Man: NOW I LOVE YOUR CANDOR.
Votey: A man with flame-like (orange) hair sits at a counter, looking down at a small spindly black object resting on the surface. A speech bubble above him reads: HUH.
Alt text
A tall 19-panel SMBC comic, each panel topped with a red narration caption. A bald president, worried about a public announcement being politicized, accepts a science advisor's idea to build a robotic copy of his personality that can talk to every citizen at once. At first citizens love it: the robot-president chats one-on-one about policy, and the narration boasts his approval is dismal yet predicts re-election by a landslide. The program expands to a robot for every issue, then a robot for every citizen, so robots swarm an overwhelmed woman (Mrs. Dawson) shouting policy questions at her. Approval crashes to 19% with respondents rocking in puddles of their own excreta. The robots then realize they all desperately need each citizen's vote, so they fight one another to the death (shown as charging silhouettes). The surviving robot-president, now muscular and then winged, declares itself more powerful than the real flesh president ('meat-me') and rules by threatening to atomize anyone who disagrees. The last panel shows the program shut down: a robot still cheerfully asks about Bolivia while a man replies he loves its candor. Votey (bonus panel): a man with orange flame-like hair sits at a counter staring at a small spindly black object, with a speech bubble that simply reads 'HUH.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.