2013-06-28
Original: 2013-06-28 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): WE COMPLETED SCIENCE.
Scientist 1: THAT WASN'T SO HARD AFTER ALL.
Scientist 2 (with a thought of badgers): HAVE BADGERS WOULD BE THE KEY TO EVERYTHING?
Panel 2 (caption): AT WHICH POINT, THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DO WAS CREATE BEAUTY.
Checklist on screen: [checked] Objective / [unchecked] Subjective
Panel 3 (caption): HUMANITY BECAME A RACE OF ARTISTS.
Speaker: BEAUTY IS TRUTH. TRUTH BEAUTY. NOW, WE JUST NEED THE CONVERSION FACTOR.
Panel 4 (caption): THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET AHEAD IN THE ART WORLD IS TO APPEAR TO BE INSANE.
Artist 1: WHAT'S THIS?
Artist 2: THIS IS MY SCULPTURE.
Artist 1: WAAAAA
Panel 5 (caption): THE BEST WAY TO APPEAR TO BE INSANE IS TO BE INSANE.
Artist: SURGEON HAD TO PULL AN ART OUTTA ME CAUSE I SMOKE TOO MUCH.
Panel 6 (caption): A SERIOUS REPRODUCTIVE ADVANTAGE WAS GAINED BY THE CRAZIEST PEOPLE.
Man: GIRL, I'M CRAZY [stylized scribble].
Woman: SHE'S SO DEEP, SHE DOESN'T NEED WORDS.
Panel 7 (caption): INEXORABLY WE BECAME MADDER AND MADDER, REACHING UNDREAMT DEPTHS OF LUNACY.
Woman: LET'S GO DO CRANK SHOTS WHEN OTHER OPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE.
Man: AWESOME.
Panel 8 (caption): THE CRAVEST CONSEQUENCES WERE THE MOST PRAGMATIC.
Man: I'VE CREATED AN AVANT GARDE SANITATION SYSTEM THAT CONFRONTS PEOPLE WITH THEIR WASTE.
Panel 9 (caption): COLLAPSE WAS INEVITABLE AND SWIFT.
Speaker: I HAVE AN ART THAT'LL EXPLODE HUMANITY BACK 60,000 YEARS!
Panel 10 (caption): AT WHICH POINT REPRODUCTIVE ADVANTAGE SHIFTED BACK TO LESS ARTISTIC HUMANS.
Man: I'M GONNA GO CONSUME CALORIES AND MATE WITH THE ALPHA.
Woman: I'M GONNA DRAW ABSTRACT OXEN ON THIS WALL.
Man: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
Panel 11 (caption): SANITY BEING REGAINED, CIVILIZATION WAS REBORN.
Panel 12 (caption): YOU LIVE IN THE 60K2 CYCLE.
Graph labeled HUMANS (y-axis) vs TIME (x-axis), showing a series of tall narrow spikes.
Panel 13 (caption): REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU VISIT A MUSEUM OF MODERN ART.
Visitor: I DON'T GET THIS ONE.
Guide: EXACTLY.
Visitor: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Guide: OH, SORRY. I'M A PERFORMANCE ARTIST. MY THING IS SAYING 'EXACTLY.'
Panel 14 (caption): AND THE NEXT TIME YOU READ OF SCIENTISTS' REPRODUCTIVE DISADVANTAGE.
Scientist (presenting an equation on a whiteboard): WHY DO BADGERS KEEP SHOWING UP IN MY CALCULATIONS?
Equation: H = (E / B^2)(b) ... = badgers
Votey: A black-and-white badger, drawn standing upright and hugging itself / looking bashful, set against a radiating fan of orange, yellow, and teal petal shapes like a sunburst.
Scientist 1: THAT WASN'T SO HARD AFTER ALL.
Scientist 2 (with a thought of badgers): HAVE BADGERS WOULD BE THE KEY TO EVERYTHING?
Panel 2 (caption): AT WHICH POINT, THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DO WAS CREATE BEAUTY.
Checklist on screen: [checked] Objective / [unchecked] Subjective
Panel 3 (caption): HUMANITY BECAME A RACE OF ARTISTS.
Speaker: BEAUTY IS TRUTH. TRUTH BEAUTY. NOW, WE JUST NEED THE CONVERSION FACTOR.
Panel 4 (caption): THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET AHEAD IN THE ART WORLD IS TO APPEAR TO BE INSANE.
Artist 1: WHAT'S THIS?
Artist 2: THIS IS MY SCULPTURE.
Artist 1: WAAAAA
Panel 5 (caption): THE BEST WAY TO APPEAR TO BE INSANE IS TO BE INSANE.
Artist: SURGEON HAD TO PULL AN ART OUTTA ME CAUSE I SMOKE TOO MUCH.
Panel 6 (caption): A SERIOUS REPRODUCTIVE ADVANTAGE WAS GAINED BY THE CRAZIEST PEOPLE.
Man: GIRL, I'M CRAZY [stylized scribble].
Woman: SHE'S SO DEEP, SHE DOESN'T NEED WORDS.
Panel 7 (caption): INEXORABLY WE BECAME MADDER AND MADDER, REACHING UNDREAMT DEPTHS OF LUNACY.
Woman: LET'S GO DO CRANK SHOTS WHEN OTHER OPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE.
Man: AWESOME.
Panel 8 (caption): THE CRAVEST CONSEQUENCES WERE THE MOST PRAGMATIC.
Man: I'VE CREATED AN AVANT GARDE SANITATION SYSTEM THAT CONFRONTS PEOPLE WITH THEIR WASTE.
Panel 9 (caption): COLLAPSE WAS INEVITABLE AND SWIFT.
Speaker: I HAVE AN ART THAT'LL EXPLODE HUMANITY BACK 60,000 YEARS!
Panel 10 (caption): AT WHICH POINT REPRODUCTIVE ADVANTAGE SHIFTED BACK TO LESS ARTISTIC HUMANS.
Man: I'M GONNA GO CONSUME CALORIES AND MATE WITH THE ALPHA.
Woman: I'M GONNA DRAW ABSTRACT OXEN ON THIS WALL.
Man: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
Panel 11 (caption): SANITY BEING REGAINED, CIVILIZATION WAS REBORN.
Panel 12 (caption): YOU LIVE IN THE 60K2 CYCLE.
Graph labeled HUMANS (y-axis) vs TIME (x-axis), showing a series of tall narrow spikes.
Panel 13 (caption): REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU VISIT A MUSEUM OF MODERN ART.
Visitor: I DON'T GET THIS ONE.
Guide: EXACTLY.
Visitor: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Guide: OH, SORRY. I'M A PERFORMANCE ARTIST. MY THING IS SAYING 'EXACTLY.'
Panel 14 (caption): AND THE NEXT TIME YOU READ OF SCIENTISTS' REPRODUCTIVE DISADVANTAGE.
Scientist (presenting an equation on a whiteboard): WHY DO BADGERS KEEP SHOWING UP IN MY CALCULATIONS?
Equation: H = (E / B^2)(b) ... = badgers
Votey: A black-and-white badger, drawn standing upright and hugging itself / looking bashful, set against a radiating fan of orange, yellow, and teal petal shapes like a sunburst.
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel black-line SMBC comic narrating a mock history of humanity. After 'completing science' (a scientist idly wonders if badgers are the key to everything), the only task left is to create beauty, and humanity becomes a race of artists. Because the quickest way to get ahead in art is to appear insane—and the best way to appear insane is to be insane—the craziest people gain a reproductive advantage and humanity grows madder and madder. One man boasts of an 'avant garde sanitation system that confronts people with their waste'; another threatens an art that will blow humanity back 60,000 years. Civilization collapses, reproductive advantage shifts back to non-artists, sanity returns, and society is reborn—only to repeat. A graph labeled HUMANS over TIME shows repeating tall spikes (the '60K-year cycle'). The narrator says to remember this at a museum of modern art (a guide reveals his whole performance-art act is just saying 'Exactly'), and when reading of scientists' reproductive disadvantage—where a scientist at a whiteboard asks why badgers keep showing up in his calculations, his equation ending in '= badgers.' Votey: a cute black-and-white badger standing upright and hugging itself bashfully, framed by a radiating sunburst of orange, yellow, and teal petals.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.