2012-09-10
Original: 2012-09-10 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: DAD - TROLLING
A BEST PRACTICES GUIDE
STEP 1: RECOGNIZE AN OPPORTUNITY.
Young child: Daddy, what's the hangy thing at the back of your mouth?
[The dad sits in a chair, looking sly.]
STEP 2: START WITH WHATEVER VAGUE BIT OF KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE.
Dad: That's called a "uvula".
STEP 3: MAKE ANY CONNECTIONS, NO MATTER HOW TENUOUS OR UNLIKELY.
Dad: Technically it's a "U"-vula when I talk about yours. If I talk about mine, it's a "ME"-vula. If a group of people own one, it's an USvula or a THEMvula, depending on whether you're in the group or not.
STEP 4: DEFLECT COUNTERARGUMENTS AS NAIVE.
Child: What? But no other body parts work like that.
Dad: Then how come boys have a heart and girls have a SHEart? You knew about that, right?
STEP 5: BIDE YOUR TIME.
[The child, now older, a young adult, returns angry.]
Now-grown child: Dammit dad! My biology prof thinks I'm an idiot because I asked about my "meterus".
STEP 6: ACKNOWLEDGE NO RESPONSIBILITY.
Grown child: Is everything you say to me a lie?!
Dad: If I answer that, it'll result in a paradox.
Votey:
Grown child (off-panel, shouting): WHY, DAD!?
Dad: Demand me nothing. What you know, you know. From this time forth I will never speak.
[The dad sits with a smug, resolute expression.]
A BEST PRACTICES GUIDE
STEP 1: RECOGNIZE AN OPPORTUNITY.
Young child: Daddy, what's the hangy thing at the back of your mouth?
[The dad sits in a chair, looking sly.]
STEP 2: START WITH WHATEVER VAGUE BIT OF KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE.
Dad: That's called a "uvula".
STEP 3: MAKE ANY CONNECTIONS, NO MATTER HOW TENUOUS OR UNLIKELY.
Dad: Technically it's a "U"-vula when I talk about yours. If I talk about mine, it's a "ME"-vula. If a group of people own one, it's an USvula or a THEMvula, depending on whether you're in the group or not.
STEP 4: DEFLECT COUNTERARGUMENTS AS NAIVE.
Child: What? But no other body parts work like that.
Dad: Then how come boys have a heart and girls have a SHEart? You knew about that, right?
STEP 5: BIDE YOUR TIME.
[The child, now older, a young adult, returns angry.]
Now-grown child: Dammit dad! My biology prof thinks I'm an idiot because I asked about my "meterus".
STEP 6: ACKNOWLEDGE NO RESPONSIBILITY.
Grown child: Is everything you say to me a lie?!
Dad: If I answer that, it'll result in a paradox.
Votey:
Grown child (off-panel, shouting): WHY, DAD!?
Dad: Demand me nothing. What you know, you know. From this time forth I will never speak.
[The dad sits with a smug, resolute expression.]
Alt text
A tall instructional-style SMBC comic titled "DAD - TROLLING: A Best Practices Guide," laying out six numbered steps for a father to troll his child with fake anatomy facts. Step 1, Recognize an opportunity: a small girl asks, "Daddy, what's the hangy thing at the back of your mouth?" Step 2, Start with whatever vague bit of knowledge you have: the dad answers, "That's called a 'uvula'." Step 3, Make any connections, no matter how tenuous: he elaborates that it's a "U"-vula when talking about yours, a "ME"-vula about his own, and an "USvula" or "THEMvula" for groups depending on membership. Step 4, Deflect counterarguments as naive: when the child objects that no other body part works that way, he replies, "Then how come boys have a heart and girls have a SHEart? You knew about that, right?" Step 5, Bide your time: years later the child, now a young adult, storms back furious that a biology professor thinks they're an idiot for asking about their "meterus." Step 6, Acknowledge no responsibility: the grown child demands, "Is everything you say to me a lie?!" and the dad smugly replies, "If I answer that, it'll result in a paradox." Votey: the grown child shouts off-panel, "WHY, DAD!?" and the dad, looking serene and smug, declares, "Demand me nothing. What you know, you know. From this time forth I will never speak."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.