2012-09-09
Original: 2012-09-09 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman (college orientation guide): Hey kids! Welcome to college orientation!
Guide: I want to make something perfectly clear: You may think you're here to learn things.
Panel 2:
Guide: You are here to do paperwork. For 2-5 years in order to get a piece of paper. Essentially a claim check for job security, lifetime earnings. Meanwhile, enjoy these free knowin' school spirit hats.
Panel 3:
Student (woman with ponytail): Wait if I don't want to learn things?
Guide: By all means, feel free. But for those who don't we've invented a bunch of things to do while you wait.
Panel 4:
Guide: You can take classes in literary theory, business management, or pretty much anything that starts with "creative" ends with "studies," or has "for" in the middle.
Panel 5:
Guide: Or just do the old-fashioned thing and take a massively grade-inflated course in law, civics, or science.
Panel 6:
Student: Isn't college supposed to be about education?
Guide: Yeah, right. In the age of free information, you'd need to pay a small fortune, to live in a dormitory, surrounded by drunk teenagers, so you can get educated.
Panel 7:
Guide: Well, if college is really so pointless, maybe I'll just go straight to the private sector!
Panel 8:
Student: The easier colleges date the dumber. You look fun for not having a degree.
Panel 9:
Student: Can I have one of those foam hats?
Guide: Of course! Your scholarship already paid for it.
Votey:
Off-panel voice: What're you drawing?
The cartoonist (a man with glasses, at a drawing desk): A back to school comic.
Woman (college orientation guide): Hey kids! Welcome to college orientation!
Guide: I want to make something perfectly clear: You may think you're here to learn things.
Panel 2:
Guide: You are here to do paperwork. For 2-5 years in order to get a piece of paper. Essentially a claim check for job security, lifetime earnings. Meanwhile, enjoy these free knowin' school spirit hats.
Panel 3:
Student (woman with ponytail): Wait if I don't want to learn things?
Guide: By all means, feel free. But for those who don't we've invented a bunch of things to do while you wait.
Panel 4:
Guide: You can take classes in literary theory, business management, or pretty much anything that starts with "creative" ends with "studies," or has "for" in the middle.
Panel 5:
Guide: Or just do the old-fashioned thing and take a massively grade-inflated course in law, civics, or science.
Panel 6:
Student: Isn't college supposed to be about education?
Guide: Yeah, right. In the age of free information, you'd need to pay a small fortune, to live in a dormitory, surrounded by drunk teenagers, so you can get educated.
Panel 7:
Guide: Well, if college is really so pointless, maybe I'll just go straight to the private sector!
Panel 8:
Student: The easier colleges date the dumber. You look fun for not having a degree.
Panel 9:
Student: Can I have one of those foam hats?
Guide: Of course! Your scholarship already paid for it.
Votey:
Off-panel voice: What're you drawing?
The cartoonist (a man with glasses, at a drawing desk): A back to school comic.
Alt text
A long vertical SMBC comic set at a college orientation. A cheerful woman wearing a foam school-spirit hat addresses a crowd, then a single ponytailed prospective student. The guide explains that students are not really there to learn but to do paperwork for 2-5 years to earn a piece of paper that serves as a 'claim check' for job security and lifetime earnings, and hands out free foam spirit hats. She says people who don't want to learn can take classes in literary theory, business management, anything starting with 'creative' or ending in 'studies,' or grade-inflated courses in law, civics, or science. When the student asks if college is supposed to be about education, the guide sarcastically notes that in the age of free information you'd have to pay a fortune to live in a dorm surrounded by drunk teenagers to get 'educated.' The student muses about skipping straight to the private sector, the guide jokes about degrees and dating, and finally the student asks for a foam hat, which the guide says the scholarship already paid for. Votey: a hand-drawn black-and-white panel where an off-screen voice asks a bespectacled cartoonist at his drawing desk, 'What're you drawing?' and he replies, 'A back to school comic.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.