2011-08-12
Original: 2011-08-12 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: SEX TECHNIQUE #2718: "THE FERROUS PHALLUS"
Panel 1 (instruction header): TAKE A CONDOM AND CAREFULLY CUT JAGGED SLITS ON EACH SIDE OF THE WRAPPER.
(Image: a pink square wrapper hangs framed on a wall, with jagged lightning-bolt-shaped slits cut into it.)
Panel 2 (instruction header): WHEN THE TIME COMES, GRAB THE MODIFIED CONDOM.
(Image: a couple embraces in a bedroom; a dark-skinned man reaches up to grab the pink condom wrapper off a bookshelf while kissing a red-haired woman.)
Panel 3 (instruction header): WITHOUT REMOVING THE WRAPPER, HOLD IT HIGH ABOVE YOUR HEAD DRAMATICALLY.
(Image: the man stands dramatically holding the wrapper aloft over his head; the red-haired woman lies nearby watching.)
Panel 4 (instruction header): BRING IT DOWN AT TOP SPEED ONTO YOUR WIENER.
Man: KYYYAAAA!
(Image: against a bright red background, the man swings the wrapper down with motion lines, mouth open mid-shout.)
Panel 5 (instruction header): ENJOY THE ENSUING SHOCK AND AWE.
Red-haired woman: DID YOU JUST EXPLODE THAT CONDOM ONTO YOUR PENIS?
Man: WHY? HOW DID YOUR PREVIOUS BOYFRIENDS DO IT?
(Image: the man stands with hands on hips; the woman lies in bed looking unimpressed.)
Votey:
SMBC IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY UNFORTUNATE OUTCOMES OF TAKING THE ADVICE CONTAINED IN THIS COMIC.
SMBC IS COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AWESOME OUTCOMES OF TAKING THE ADVICE CONTAINED IN THIS COMIC.
Panel 1 (instruction header): TAKE A CONDOM AND CAREFULLY CUT JAGGED SLITS ON EACH SIDE OF THE WRAPPER.
(Image: a pink square wrapper hangs framed on a wall, with jagged lightning-bolt-shaped slits cut into it.)
Panel 2 (instruction header): WHEN THE TIME COMES, GRAB THE MODIFIED CONDOM.
(Image: a couple embraces in a bedroom; a dark-skinned man reaches up to grab the pink condom wrapper off a bookshelf while kissing a red-haired woman.)
Panel 3 (instruction header): WITHOUT REMOVING THE WRAPPER, HOLD IT HIGH ABOVE YOUR HEAD DRAMATICALLY.
(Image: the man stands dramatically holding the wrapper aloft over his head; the red-haired woman lies nearby watching.)
Panel 4 (instruction header): BRING IT DOWN AT TOP SPEED ONTO YOUR WIENER.
Man: KYYYAAAA!
(Image: against a bright red background, the man swings the wrapper down with motion lines, mouth open mid-shout.)
Panel 5 (instruction header): ENJOY THE ENSUING SHOCK AND AWE.
Red-haired woman: DID YOU JUST EXPLODE THAT CONDOM ONTO YOUR PENIS?
Man: WHY? HOW DID YOUR PREVIOUS BOYFRIENDS DO IT?
(Image: the man stands with hands on hips; the woman lies in bed looking unimpressed.)
Votey:
SMBC IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY UNFORTUNATE OUTCOMES OF TAKING THE ADVICE CONTAINED IN THIS COMIC.
SMBC IS COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AWESOME OUTCOMES OF TAKING THE ADVICE CONTAINED IN THIS COMIC.
Alt text
A five-panel mock instructional comic titled "Sex Technique #2718: 'The Ferrous Phallus.'" Each panel has a red or yellow numbered header reading like step-by-step directions. Step 1: "Take a condom and carefully cut jagged slits on each side of the wrapper" - shown as a pink condom wrapper framed on a wall with lightning-bolt-shaped cuts. Step 2: "When the time comes, grab the modified condom" - a dark-skinned man kisses a red-haired woman in bed while grabbing the wrapper off a shelf. Step 3: "Without removing the wrapper, hold it high above your head dramatically" - he raises it overhead like a sword. Step 4: "Bring it down at top speed onto your wiener" - against a red background he swings it down, screaming "KYYYAAAA!" Step 5: "Enjoy the ensuing shock and awe" - the woman, unimpressed, asks "Did you just explode that condom onto your penis?" and he replies "Why? How did your previous boyfriends do it?", implying he genuinely believes this is the normal method. The votey (bonus panel) is a text-only mock disclaimer: "SMBC is not responsible for any unfortunate outcomes of taking the advice contained in this comic. SMBC is completely responsible for any awesome outcomes of taking the advice contained in this comic."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.