2010-08-14
Original: 2010-08-14 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): Dr. Demaine created an algorithm that solved all mathematical theorems.
Computer: Q.E.D.
Panel 2 (caption): Soon after, all physics questions were answered.
Computer: Inside photons are quarks, inside quarks are strings, inside strings is God telling you to fuck off.
Panel 3 (caption): Then engineering, chemistry, biology, neuroscience, psychiatry...
Computer: By the cold fusion you never won, the bad gluon hydrogen is from spectrometers, in solution, and your mother never loved you.
Panel 4 (caption): Having completed science, he moved on to philosophical and literary questions.
Man: At all? Can we see or even but a dream within a dream?
Computer: Yes.
Panel 5 (caption): Then uninteresting rhetorical questions.
Man: Are we gonna party tonight?
Computer: Yes!
Woman: Squirrel? Die?
Computer: No.
Panel 6 (caption): Finally, all that was left was senseless half-conceived questions from stoned philosophy undergrads.
Computer: To think, like man, you know how... woah.
Stoner: Woah.
Panel 7 (caption): Having answered no questions in reality, Demaine suffered an existential crisis.
Computer: And here, poor fool, with all my whores, I stand no wiser than before.
Panel 8 (caption): The poet correct for longevity of touchable.
Votey: A sign reading "ALTERNATE VERSION". Below it the text: "AND HERE, POOR FOOL WITH ALL MY WHORES, WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WOOH!"
Computer: Q.E.D.
Panel 2 (caption): Soon after, all physics questions were answered.
Computer: Inside photons are quarks, inside quarks are strings, inside strings is God telling you to fuck off.
Panel 3 (caption): Then engineering, chemistry, biology, neuroscience, psychiatry...
Computer: By the cold fusion you never won, the bad gluon hydrogen is from spectrometers, in solution, and your mother never loved you.
Panel 4 (caption): Having completed science, he moved on to philosophical and literary questions.
Man: At all? Can we see or even but a dream within a dream?
Computer: Yes.
Panel 5 (caption): Then uninteresting rhetorical questions.
Man: Are we gonna party tonight?
Computer: Yes!
Woman: Squirrel? Die?
Computer: No.
Panel 6 (caption): Finally, all that was left was senseless half-conceived questions from stoned philosophy undergrads.
Computer: To think, like man, you know how... woah.
Stoner: Woah.
Panel 7 (caption): Having answered no questions in reality, Demaine suffered an existential crisis.
Computer: And here, poor fool, with all my whores, I stand no wiser than before.
Panel 8 (caption): The poet correct for longevity of touchable.
Votey: A sign reading "ALTERNATE VERSION". Below it the text: "AND HERE, POOR FOOL WITH ALL MY WHORES, WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WOOH!"
Alt text
A tall multi-panel comic about a scientist, Dr. Demaine, who builds an all-answering computer. Caption panels narrate the computer progressively solving every field of knowledge while characters react. First it proves all mathematics (the computer says 'Q.E.D.'), then answers all physics ('inside photons are quarks, inside quarks are strings, inside strings is God telling you to fuck off'), then engineering, chemistry, biology, neuroscience and psychiatry with dense technobabble. Having finished science, it tackles philosophy and literature, answering 'Yes' to a question about whether life is a dream within a dream. It then answers uninteresting rhetorical questions ('Are we gonna party tonight?' 'Yes!'), and finally fields senseless half-formed questions from stoned philosophy undergrads, who reply 'Woah.' Because it answered no real questions, Demaine has an existential crisis, the machine lamenting in mock-Faustian verse 'And here, poor fool, with all my whores, I stand no wiser than before.' Votey: A drawn sign labeled 'ALTERNATE VERSION' with handwritten text repeating the punchline as 'AND HERE, POOR FOOL WITH ALL MY WHORES, WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WHORES WOOH!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.