Goblins
Original: Goblins on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narrator (a man with flame-like hair, addressing the reader as a letter): DEAR EVOLUTION, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS IMAGINING FANTASY STORIES ABOUT GOBLINS AND ELVES AND TROLLS?
Narrator: YOU DON'T INVENT SHIT.
Panel 2:
Narrator: LOOK AT THE FOSSIL RECORD. YOU CO-EXISTED WITH A HUGE VARIETY OF OTHER INTELLIGENT HOMININS: NEANDERTHALS, DENISOVANS, FLORESIENSIS, LUZONENSIS, NALEDI!
Panel 3:
Narrator: YOU CO-EXISTED WITH THEM OVER EVOLUTIONARY TIME, ADAPTING TO THEIR PRESENCE, AND THEN, AT SOME POINT, YOU KILLED OR ABSORBED THEM. SO YOU FINALLY ELIMINATED EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
Narrator: FANTASY STORIES APPEAL TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING OFF THEM.
Panel 4:
Narrator: NOW STILL LOOKING. STILL IMAGINING. STILL WONDERING IF GOBLIN-GIRLS ARE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE WITH US.
Narrator: THAT PART'S JUST YOU.
Votey:
A man (worried expression, looking down): GEE WHIZ, I WISH EVOLUTIONARY THEORY EXPLAINED MY FETISHES BETTER.
Narrator (a man with flame-like hair, addressing the reader as a letter): DEAR EVOLUTION, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS IMAGINING FANTASY STORIES ABOUT GOBLINS AND ELVES AND TROLLS?
Narrator: YOU DON'T INVENT SHIT.
Panel 2:
Narrator: LOOK AT THE FOSSIL RECORD. YOU CO-EXISTED WITH A HUGE VARIETY OF OTHER INTELLIGENT HOMININS: NEANDERTHALS, DENISOVANS, FLORESIENSIS, LUZONENSIS, NALEDI!
Panel 3:
Narrator: YOU CO-EXISTED WITH THEM OVER EVOLUTIONARY TIME, ADAPTING TO THEIR PRESENCE, AND THEN, AT SOME POINT, YOU KILLED OR ABSORBED THEM. SO YOU FINALLY ELIMINATED EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
Narrator: FANTASY STORIES APPEAL TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING OFF THEM.
Panel 4:
Narrator: NOW STILL LOOKING. STILL IMAGINING. STILL WONDERING IF GOBLIN-GIRLS ARE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE WITH US.
Narrator: THAT PART'S JUST YOU.
Votey:
A man (worried expression, looking down): GEE WHIZ, I WISH EVOLUTIONARY THEORY EXPLAINED MY FETISHES BETTER.
Alt text
Four-panel SMBC comic. A cartoon man with red, flame-like hair speaks directly to the reader, framing his words as an open letter to Evolution. Panel 1: He asks why we always imagine fantasy stories about goblins, elves, and trolls, then deadpans, 'You don't invent shit.' Panel 2: He points to the fossil record, noting humans coexisted with many other intelligent hominins, listing Neanderthals, Denisovans, floresiensis, luzonensis, and naledi. Panel 3: He explains that humanity adapted to these other hominins over evolutionary time and then killed or absorbed them until none were left, suggesting fantasy stories appeal to us because we are 'still looking' for them. Panel 4: He concludes that we are still imagining and wondering whether goblin-girls are sexually compatible with us, then adds, 'That part's just you.' Votey (aftercomic): a simply drawn man with a worried, downcast face says, 'Gee whiz, I wish evolutionary theory explained my fetishes better.' The joke: a grand evolutionary explanation for fantasy fascination collapses into a personal admission about kinks.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.