Dark
Original: Dark on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (header narration / speech bubble):
"THE UNIVERSE WILL LIKELY END IN A 'HEAT DEATH' WHEREIN ALL THE MATTER IN THE UNIVERSE IS EVENLY DISTRIBUTED AND NO WORK IS POSSIBLE."
Sign on the building (a lecture venue): "TODAY: DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS. WELCOME: PHYSICISTS AND PEOPLE WHO YELL IN PARKS."
Panel 2:
Speaker (a balding man at a podium, arms spread): "THIS IS WHAT A PHILOSOPHER MIGHT CALL ABSOLUTE BALLS."
Panel 3:
Speaker (now pointing at a whiteboard with a black blob and the equation σ_χN ~ 10^-39 – 10^-45 cm²): "HOWEVER, CANDIDATE THEORIES OF DARK MATTER PROPOSE THAT IT IS A SUBSTANCE BOUND BY ITS OWN GRAVITY, WHICH INTERACTS WITH NOTHING ELSE, AND WHICH DOES NOT DECAY!"
Panel 4:
Speaker (smiling, pointing): "IF SO, WE CAN SHAPE THAT MATTER INTO ANY FORM, EVEN WORDS. AND THOSE WORDS WILL PERSIST FOR ETERNITY, EVEN AS THE SURROUNDING REALITY BECOMES AN INERT FEATURELESS SOUP."
Panel 5:
Speaker (raising a fist triumphantly, audience clapping — "clap clap clap" surrounds him): "WE MUST THEREFORE DISCOVER THE TRUE NATURE OF THIS SUBSTANCE AND TOGETHER USE IT TO ITS HIGHEST, MOST PERMANENT PURPOSE."
Votey:
Labeled "EARLIER..."
Speaker (adjusting his glasses, holding a remote, standing before a dark screen): "HERE, WE PROPOSE A NOVEL PHYSICS-BASED METHOD TO TELL THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE TO GO FUCK HIMSELF FOREVER."
Text displayed on the screen: "GO FUCK YOURSELF"
Caption on the screen: "[Simulation]"
Aftercomic (red hover/votey button, separate image):
Speech bubble from the same man: "HOW TO SHAPE SOMETHING YOU CAN'T INTERACT WITH IS LEFT AS AN EXERCISE FOR STUDENTS."
"THE UNIVERSE WILL LIKELY END IN A 'HEAT DEATH' WHEREIN ALL THE MATTER IN THE UNIVERSE IS EVENLY DISTRIBUTED AND NO WORK IS POSSIBLE."
Sign on the building (a lecture venue): "TODAY: DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS. WELCOME: PHYSICISTS AND PEOPLE WHO YELL IN PARKS."
Panel 2:
Speaker (a balding man at a podium, arms spread): "THIS IS WHAT A PHILOSOPHER MIGHT CALL ABSOLUTE BALLS."
Panel 3:
Speaker (now pointing at a whiteboard with a black blob and the equation σ_χN ~ 10^-39 – 10^-45 cm²): "HOWEVER, CANDIDATE THEORIES OF DARK MATTER PROPOSE THAT IT IS A SUBSTANCE BOUND BY ITS OWN GRAVITY, WHICH INTERACTS WITH NOTHING ELSE, AND WHICH DOES NOT DECAY!"
Panel 4:
Speaker (smiling, pointing): "IF SO, WE CAN SHAPE THAT MATTER INTO ANY FORM, EVEN WORDS. AND THOSE WORDS WILL PERSIST FOR ETERNITY, EVEN AS THE SURROUNDING REALITY BECOMES AN INERT FEATURELESS SOUP."
Panel 5:
Speaker (raising a fist triumphantly, audience clapping — "clap clap clap" surrounds him): "WE MUST THEREFORE DISCOVER THE TRUE NATURE OF THIS SUBSTANCE AND TOGETHER USE IT TO ITS HIGHEST, MOST PERMANENT PURPOSE."
Votey:
Labeled "EARLIER..."
Speaker (adjusting his glasses, holding a remote, standing before a dark screen): "HERE, WE PROPOSE A NOVEL PHYSICS-BASED METHOD TO TELL THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE TO GO FUCK HIMSELF FOREVER."
Text displayed on the screen: "GO FUCK YOURSELF"
Caption on the screen: "[Simulation]"
Aftercomic (red hover/votey button, separate image):
Speech bubble from the same man: "HOW TO SHAPE SOMETHING YOU CAN'T INTERACT WITH IS LEFT AS AN EXERCISE FOR STUDENTS."
Alt text
A five-panel comic. A balding man in glasses gives a lecture at a venue whose sign reads "TODAY: DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS — WELCOME: PHYSICISTS AND PEOPLE WHO YELL IN PARKS." He explains the universe will end in heat death where no work is possible — "what a philosopher might call absolute balls." Gesturing at a whiteboard showing a black blob and a dark-matter cross-section equation, he proposes that dark matter is a self-gravitating substance that interacts with nothing and never decays, so it could be shaped into words that persist for eternity even after the rest of reality becomes featureless soup. Arms raised to applause ("clap clap clap"), he declares humanity must discover its true nature and use it for its "highest, most permanent purpose." A votey panel labeled "EARLIER…" reveals the punchline: standing before a screen reading "GO FUCK YOURSELF" (marked [Simulation]), he says the method is to spell out an eternal message telling the creator of the universe to go fuck himself forever. A final hover panel adds: "How to shape something you can't interact with is left as an exercise for students."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.