pino
Original: pino on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: PINOCCHIO BECAME A REAL BOY.
Pinocchio: AT LEAST I'M MADE OF PARTS THAT WILL INEVITABLY DECAY IN WAYS THAT CANNOT BE REVERSED.
Panel 2:
Narration: BUT THE CURSE OF THE NOSE REMAINED UPON HIM.
Pinocchio: THE FACT THAT MY LIFE WILL END ONE DAY IS WHAT GIVES THE PRESENT MOMENT REAL MEANING... HEY!
(His nose grows long.)
Panel 3:
Narration: BECAUSE HIS HUMAN BODY REQUIRED FOOD AND SHELTER, HE WAS FORCED TO ENTER THE LABOR FORCE.
Interviewer: DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE?
Pinocchio: WELL, HEY, SINCE MY NOSE GREW PHYSICAL OBJECTS WITHOUT FREE WILL MANIPULATED THE TRUTH AND THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE I WAS ALIVE.
Interviewer: WOW! YOU HAVE MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL!
Panel 4:
Narration: HE EXCELLED AT EVERYTHING. BUT, HAPPINESS, THEN ONE DAY HE FOUND AN OPPORTUNITY TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE WORLD.
Newspaper headline: Plastic surgeon laments lack of donor cartilage
Panel 5:
Narration: SOON, HE WAS BEING PAID ENORMOUS SUMS TO TELL LIES, MAKE FULL-FRAME, STAFF-WHESTHESIZED LIES HEAD AND HARVESTED HIS PARTS AS THEY COULD.
Pinocchio (to a customer): YOUR HOME SHOWING THIS CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK. THIS IS MORE GROOMING THAN OUR FORMER MUDDY MURTH. THIS IS MORE GROWING THAN OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK. THIS IS MORE DEGRADING THAN CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK.
Panel 6:
Narration: ONCE THE PROCESS WAS INDUSTRIALIZED, THE ENTIRE NOSE COULD BE HARVESTED ENDING SHORTAGES OF DONOR TISSUE.
Narration: THANKS TO THE PINOCCHIO METHOD, ALL SKIN CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. SKIN, MY ONCE-ACNE-SCARRED FACE IS NOW COATED WITH SMOOTH LIVING-PUPPET-DERIVED FLESH.
Panel 7:
Narration: BUT A PROBLEM AROSE.
Pinocchio: HE KEPT DO YOU SAY TO CLAIMS THAT TISSUE REPLACED WITH PINOCCHIO-DERIVED GROWS ANEW? WE RECEIVE TELLS A LIE?
Reporters: THOSE REPORTS ARE EXAGGERATIONS.
(Pinocchio's nose grows.)
Panel 8:
Narration: BY THE TIME THE PROBLEM WAS WIDELY UNDERSTOOD, HUMAN EXISTENCE HAD BEEN CHANGED FOREVER.
Narration: AND IN LAST YEARS, THE WORLD'S NOW DRUG-CROSSED UPDATED WITH AN EVER-GROWING QUANTITY OF HUMAN FLESH. SCIENTISTS SAY AT THE CURRENT RATE OF GROWTH BY NEXT TUESDAY WE WILL ALL SUFFOCATE BENEATH THE MOST PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF OUR OWN HONESTLY NOW VERIFIED.
Panel 9:
Narration: THE ATTEMPT TO SAVE THE WORLD WAS BENT.
A scientist: HE DON'T HAVE TO TELL LIES TO EACH OTHER! WE CAN CHANGE OUR WAYS-- DAMMIT IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!
(His nose grows.)
Panel 10:
Narration: THE STRANDS OF PINOCCHIO NOSE ABOUT THE EARTH-STRANGLING ALL NON-PINOCCHIO LIFE. AND, WHERE IT MET ITSELF IT RECOMBINED. TWO HEMISPHERES OVER AND OVER UNTIL, AT LAST THERE WAS ONLY ONE, VAST LIFE FORM LEFT ON EARTH.
Pinocchio: ALL IS PINOCCHIO IN THIS BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS!
Panel 11:
Narration: STILL, IT WAS WORTH IT TO SEE THE REACTION ON THE BLUE FAIRY'S FACE.
Pinocchio: I AM A REAL BOY! I AM THE ONLY REAL BOY! BWAHAHAHAH!
Blue Fairy: NOW, GANG, AND HAS A WIN-GRATING.
Votey:
Pinocchio (a face at the center of a vast star-burst of flesh): LITTLE LONELY, HAVING SUFFOCATED ALL NON-ME LIFE, THOUGH.
Narration: PINOCCHIO BECAME A REAL BOY.
Pinocchio: AT LEAST I'M MADE OF PARTS THAT WILL INEVITABLY DECAY IN WAYS THAT CANNOT BE REVERSED.
Panel 2:
Narration: BUT THE CURSE OF THE NOSE REMAINED UPON HIM.
Pinocchio: THE FACT THAT MY LIFE WILL END ONE DAY IS WHAT GIVES THE PRESENT MOMENT REAL MEANING... HEY!
(His nose grows long.)
Panel 3:
Narration: BECAUSE HIS HUMAN BODY REQUIRED FOOD AND SHELTER, HE WAS FORCED TO ENTER THE LABOR FORCE.
Interviewer: DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIOR WORK EXPERIENCE?
Pinocchio: WELL, HEY, SINCE MY NOSE GREW PHYSICAL OBJECTS WITHOUT FREE WILL MANIPULATED THE TRUTH AND THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE I WAS ALIVE.
Interviewer: WOW! YOU HAVE MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL!
Panel 4:
Narration: HE EXCELLED AT EVERYTHING. BUT, HAPPINESS, THEN ONE DAY HE FOUND AN OPPORTUNITY TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE WORLD.
Newspaper headline: Plastic surgeon laments lack of donor cartilage
Panel 5:
Narration: SOON, HE WAS BEING PAID ENORMOUS SUMS TO TELL LIES, MAKE FULL-FRAME, STAFF-WHESTHESIZED LIES HEAD AND HARVESTED HIS PARTS AS THEY COULD.
Pinocchio (to a customer): YOUR HOME SHOWING THIS CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK. THIS IS MORE GROOMING THAN OUR FORMER MUDDY MURTH. THIS IS MORE GROWING THAN OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK. THIS IS MORE DEGRADING THAN CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK.
Panel 6:
Narration: ONCE THE PROCESS WAS INDUSTRIALIZED, THE ENTIRE NOSE COULD BE HARVESTED ENDING SHORTAGES OF DONOR TISSUE.
Narration: THANKS TO THE PINOCCHIO METHOD, ALL SKIN CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. SKIN, MY ONCE-ACNE-SCARRED FACE IS NOW COATED WITH SMOOTH LIVING-PUPPET-DERIVED FLESH.
Panel 7:
Narration: BUT A PROBLEM AROSE.
Pinocchio: HE KEPT DO YOU SAY TO CLAIMS THAT TISSUE REPLACED WITH PINOCCHIO-DERIVED GROWS ANEW? WE RECEIVE TELLS A LIE?
Reporters: THOSE REPORTS ARE EXAGGERATIONS.
(Pinocchio's nose grows.)
Panel 8:
Narration: BY THE TIME THE PROBLEM WAS WIDELY UNDERSTOOD, HUMAN EXISTENCE HAD BEEN CHANGED FOREVER.
Narration: AND IN LAST YEARS, THE WORLD'S NOW DRUG-CROSSED UPDATED WITH AN EVER-GROWING QUANTITY OF HUMAN FLESH. SCIENTISTS SAY AT THE CURRENT RATE OF GROWTH BY NEXT TUESDAY WE WILL ALL SUFFOCATE BENEATH THE MOST PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF OUR OWN HONESTLY NOW VERIFIED.
Panel 9:
Narration: THE ATTEMPT TO SAVE THE WORLD WAS BENT.
A scientist: HE DON'T HAVE TO TELL LIES TO EACH OTHER! WE CAN CHANGE OUR WAYS-- DAMMIT IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!
(His nose grows.)
Panel 10:
Narration: THE STRANDS OF PINOCCHIO NOSE ABOUT THE EARTH-STRANGLING ALL NON-PINOCCHIO LIFE. AND, WHERE IT MET ITSELF IT RECOMBINED. TWO HEMISPHERES OVER AND OVER UNTIL, AT LAST THERE WAS ONLY ONE, VAST LIFE FORM LEFT ON EARTH.
Pinocchio: ALL IS PINOCCHIO IN THIS BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS!
Panel 11:
Narration: STILL, IT WAS WORTH IT TO SEE THE REACTION ON THE BLUE FAIRY'S FACE.
Pinocchio: I AM A REAL BOY! I AM THE ONLY REAL BOY! BWAHAHAHAH!
Blue Fairy: NOW, GANG, AND HAS A WIN-GRATING.
Votey:
Pinocchio (a face at the center of a vast star-burst of flesh): LITTLE LONELY, HAVING SUFFOCATED ALL NON-ME LIFE, THOUGH.
Alt text
An 11-panel SMBC comic retelling Pinocchio as a body-horror story. Panel 1: A title card reads 'Pinocchio became a real boy,' showing Pinocchio (a boy with a pointed cap) noting he's now made of parts that will inevitably decay. Panel 2: 'But the curse of the nose remained upon him' -- as he philosophizes about mortality giving life meaning, his nose suddenly grows long ('HEY!'). Panel 3: Forced into the labor force, he's interviewed; the interviewer says his nose-growing lie ability gives him 'management potential.' Panel 4: He finds purpose reading a newspaper headline: 'Plastic surgeon laments lack of donor cartilage.' Panel 5: He's paid enormous sums to tell lies so his ever-growing nose can be harvested for tissue. Panel 6: The process is industrialized, ending donor-tissue shortages; faces are resurfaced with smooth 'living-puppet-derived flesh.' Panel 7: 'But a problem arose' -- a reporter insists the Pinocchio-derived tissue keeps regrowing; officials reply 'Those reports are exaggerations' as a nose grows. Panel 8: The world is now overrun with an ever-growing quantity of Pinocchio flesh; scientists warn that by next Tuesday everyone will suffocate beneath it. Panel 9: A scientist begs everyone to stop lying to save the world -- then his own nose starts growing again ('Dammit, it's happening again!'). Panel 10: Strands of Pinocchio-nose strangle all non-Pinocchio life and recombine until only one vast life form remains, declaring 'All is Pinocchio in this best of all possible worlds!' Panel 11: He gloats to the Blue Fairy: 'I am a real boy! I am the only real boy! Bwahahaha!' Votey: A lone face at the center of a vast burst of tendrils admits, 'Little lonely, having suffocated all non-me life, though.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.