life-3
Original: life-3 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Green humanoid alien: There's no way you're a real alien. You're too humanoid. Come on, like, what are the odds of you being bilaterally symmetrical just like us?
Human: How else are you gonna do it?
Panel 2:
Green humanoid alien: Intelligent life evolves on objects with mass. Mass has gravity, therefore there is a clear up-down distinction but no left-right distinction. Feet need to be different from hands, but the left and right hands have no reason to differ.
Panel 3:
Human: Okay but how come you have a head and face just like humans?
Green humanoid alien: Transmission speed.
Panel 4:
Green humanoid alien: Any being that reacts quickly to its environment necessarily puts most of its sensory array next to its processing unit. Are you stupid? Do you ever see an animal with its brain on the opposite side from its eyes?
Panel 5:
Human: Wha- so there's just convergent evolution throughout the universe?
Green humanoid alien: Same rules everywhere, so why not?
Panel 6:
Green humanoid alien: Maybe the solution to the Fermi Paradox is there's no point going out for xenobiology when we have perfectly good biology at home.
Panel 7:
Human: But then what are you doing here if not to meet us?
Panel 8:
Green humanoid alien: I don't care about you. I'm just here for valuable minerals.
Green humanoid alien (walking away): Life is the same everywhere.
Votey:
Human: We've incinerated the crust. Everyone is dead.
Green humanoid alien: Hey, I get it, fellow life form.
Green humanoid alien: There's no way you're a real alien. You're too humanoid. Come on, like, what are the odds of you being bilaterally symmetrical just like us?
Human: How else are you gonna do it?
Panel 2:
Green humanoid alien: Intelligent life evolves on objects with mass. Mass has gravity, therefore there is a clear up-down distinction but no left-right distinction. Feet need to be different from hands, but the left and right hands have no reason to differ.
Panel 3:
Human: Okay but how come you have a head and face just like humans?
Green humanoid alien: Transmission speed.
Panel 4:
Green humanoid alien: Any being that reacts quickly to its environment necessarily puts most of its sensory array next to its processing unit. Are you stupid? Do you ever see an animal with its brain on the opposite side from its eyes?
Panel 5:
Human: Wha- so there's just convergent evolution throughout the universe?
Green humanoid alien: Same rules everywhere, so why not?
Panel 6:
Green humanoid alien: Maybe the solution to the Fermi Paradox is there's no point going out for xenobiology when we have perfectly good biology at home.
Panel 7:
Human: But then what are you doing here if not to meet us?
Panel 8:
Green humanoid alien: I don't care about you. I'm just here for valuable minerals.
Green humanoid alien (walking away): Life is the same everywhere.
Votey:
Human: We've incinerated the crust. Everyone is dead.
Green humanoid alien: Hey, I get it, fellow life form.
Alt text
An eight-panel black-and-white SMBC comic. A small green humanoid alien argues with a naked, bald human that the alien really is alien despite looking so human-like. The alien explains that intelligent life evolves on massive objects, so gravity creates an up-down distinction but no left-right distinction, meaning all life ends up bilaterally symmetrical with differentiated hands and feet. It adds that fast-reacting beings always put their sensory organs (eyes) next to their brain in a head, so heads and faces are inevitable too. The alien says the same rules apply everywhere, suggesting the answer to the Fermi Paradox is that there's no point doing xenobiology when biology is identical everywhere. When the human asks why the alien is here, the alien flatly says it doesn't care about humans and is just here for valuable minerals, walking off saying 'Life is the same everywhere.' Votey: the human says 'We've incinerated the crust. Everyone is dead.' The alien, now far away, replies 'Hey, I get it, fellow life form.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.