practical-eschatology
Original: practical-eschatology on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration): OVER TIME IT BECAME HARDER AND HARDER TO FIND MILITARY RECRUITS.
Narration: EVERYONE EXPECTS TO BECOME AUTOMATED IN 20 YEARS, SO IT'S NOT A GOOD LONG-TERM PLAN FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.
Panel 2 (narration): LEADERS WERE FORCED TO CONSIDER PEOPLE FORMERLY DEEMED UNFIT.
Leader: WE WANT TO BE MEANT TO PHILOSOPHERS BUT...
Leader: WE NEED PRACTICAL PEOPLE.
Recruiter: HEAR ME OUT: THEY CAN CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT ANYTHING IS OKAY.
Panel 3 (narration): THE UNUSUAL ENROLLEES CREATED ENTIRELY NEW TYPES OF COMPLAINT.
Recruit/Atheist: HOW COME I'M BEING SENT TO THE FRONT? I'M AN ATHEIST. WHEN I DIE, I EITHER GET RE-CREATED OR I GO TO HELL. EITHER WAY, BELIEVING IN GOD GIVES POINTS IN HEAVEN IF HE DIES DEFENDING US. SEND VAN!
Panel 4 (narration): THE ARMIES OF THE WORLD ORGANIZED AROUND THEODICEAL FAIRNESS.
Officer: PERHAPS YOU SAY YOU BELIEVE THAT IF YOU GET KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY YOU GO TO VALHALLA WHERE YOU FEEL UP NORSE MAIDENS AND DRINK MEAD FROM A GOAT'S TEATS ALL DAY?
Soldier: OR, YES SIR?
Officer: GET YOUR ONE-DYING GEAR AND A STICK OF DYNAMITE, SON.
Panel 5 (narration): THE PEOPLE WITH THE MOST NAIVELY HOPEFUL VIEWS OF THE HEREAFTER WERE RAPIDLY ELIMINATED.
Officer: TELL MY WIFE... WELL, MEET AGAIN ONE DAY. IN THE LAND OF WEED AND THREESOMES BEYOND THIS VALE OF TEARS.
Panel 6 (narration): MEANWHILE, THE PEOPLE WITH THE DARKEST VIEW OF THIS UNIVERSE WERE PROMOTED.
Officer: STRANGELY, YOU BELIEVE THIS LIFE IS HELL NUMBER 1 AND WHEN YOU DIE YOU MOVE TO LOWER DEPTHS OF HORRORS MORE TERRIBLE THAN THE LAST, IN AN INFINITELY NESTED SEQUENCE OF UNSPEAKABLE MISERY?
Soldier: OR, YES SIR?
Officer: WELL, PUT YOU IN MANAGEMENT.
Panel 7 (narration): IN ORDER TO KEEP UP RECRUITMENT, MILITARY LEADERS FOUNDED THEIR OWN RELIGION.
Narration: FOLLOW US AND YOU WILL GO TO THE LAND OF WEED AND THREESOMES BEYOND THIS VALE OF TEARS.
Crowd: WOOOH!
Panel 8 (narration): BUT ONCE THEY HAD POWER, THE TEMPTATION TO BELIEVE THEIR OWN THEOLOGY BECAME OVERWHELMING.
Man (thinking): MAYBE I COULD BE JESUS. ONLY A NEW KIND OF JESUS WHO JUST TELLS PEOPLE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR! ALL THE TIME AND IN RETURN GETS SEX AND MONEY AND POWER OVER LIFE AND DEATH.
Panel 9 (narration): FORTUNATELY, TECHNOLOGY SAVED THE DAY AT THE LAST MINUTE.
Narration: CRIMINALLY SORRY, BUT THE AUTONOMOUS KILL-BOTS CAME EARLIER THAN EXPECTED. YOU'LL HAVE TO BE CHRIST INCARNATE ON CIVILIAN TIME.
Kill-bots: GLICKS!
Votey:
Bald man (shouting): AS SOON AS PEOPLE REALIZE I'M JESUS CHRIST WE'RE GONNA COME KICK YOUR ASS!
Narration: EVERYONE EXPECTS TO BECOME AUTOMATED IN 20 YEARS, SO IT'S NOT A GOOD LONG-TERM PLAN FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.
Panel 2 (narration): LEADERS WERE FORCED TO CONSIDER PEOPLE FORMERLY DEEMED UNFIT.
Leader: WE WANT TO BE MEANT TO PHILOSOPHERS BUT...
Leader: WE NEED PRACTICAL PEOPLE.
Recruiter: HEAR ME OUT: THEY CAN CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT ANYTHING IS OKAY.
Panel 3 (narration): THE UNUSUAL ENROLLEES CREATED ENTIRELY NEW TYPES OF COMPLAINT.
Recruit/Atheist: HOW COME I'M BEING SENT TO THE FRONT? I'M AN ATHEIST. WHEN I DIE, I EITHER GET RE-CREATED OR I GO TO HELL. EITHER WAY, BELIEVING IN GOD GIVES POINTS IN HEAVEN IF HE DIES DEFENDING US. SEND VAN!
Panel 4 (narration): THE ARMIES OF THE WORLD ORGANIZED AROUND THEODICEAL FAIRNESS.
Officer: PERHAPS YOU SAY YOU BELIEVE THAT IF YOU GET KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY YOU GO TO VALHALLA WHERE YOU FEEL UP NORSE MAIDENS AND DRINK MEAD FROM A GOAT'S TEATS ALL DAY?
Soldier: OR, YES SIR?
Officer: GET YOUR ONE-DYING GEAR AND A STICK OF DYNAMITE, SON.
Panel 5 (narration): THE PEOPLE WITH THE MOST NAIVELY HOPEFUL VIEWS OF THE HEREAFTER WERE RAPIDLY ELIMINATED.
Officer: TELL MY WIFE... WELL, MEET AGAIN ONE DAY. IN THE LAND OF WEED AND THREESOMES BEYOND THIS VALE OF TEARS.
Panel 6 (narration): MEANWHILE, THE PEOPLE WITH THE DARKEST VIEW OF THIS UNIVERSE WERE PROMOTED.
Officer: STRANGELY, YOU BELIEVE THIS LIFE IS HELL NUMBER 1 AND WHEN YOU DIE YOU MOVE TO LOWER DEPTHS OF HORRORS MORE TERRIBLE THAN THE LAST, IN AN INFINITELY NESTED SEQUENCE OF UNSPEAKABLE MISERY?
Soldier: OR, YES SIR?
Officer: WELL, PUT YOU IN MANAGEMENT.
Panel 7 (narration): IN ORDER TO KEEP UP RECRUITMENT, MILITARY LEADERS FOUNDED THEIR OWN RELIGION.
Narration: FOLLOW US AND YOU WILL GO TO THE LAND OF WEED AND THREESOMES BEYOND THIS VALE OF TEARS.
Crowd: WOOOH!
Panel 8 (narration): BUT ONCE THEY HAD POWER, THE TEMPTATION TO BELIEVE THEIR OWN THEOLOGY BECAME OVERWHELMING.
Man (thinking): MAYBE I COULD BE JESUS. ONLY A NEW KIND OF JESUS WHO JUST TELLS PEOPLE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR! ALL THE TIME AND IN RETURN GETS SEX AND MONEY AND POWER OVER LIFE AND DEATH.
Panel 9 (narration): FORTUNATELY, TECHNOLOGY SAVED THE DAY AT THE LAST MINUTE.
Narration: CRIMINALLY SORRY, BUT THE AUTONOMOUS KILL-BOTS CAME EARLIER THAN EXPECTED. YOU'LL HAVE TO BE CHRIST INCARNATE ON CIVILIAN TIME.
Kill-bots: GLICKS!
Votey:
Bald man (shouting): AS SOON AS PEOPLE REALIZE I'M JESUS CHRIST WE'RE GONNA COME KICK YOUR ASS!
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic, each panel introduced by a narration caption, about military recruiters exploiting people's beliefs about the afterlife. Over time it becomes harder to find military recruits because everyone expects their job to be automated in 20 years, so it's a bad long-term plan. Leaders consider people formerly deemed unfit, including philosophers who 'can convince people that anything is okay.' A new recruit, an atheist, complains that being sent to the front is fine for him since believing in God earns points in heaven either way. Armies reorganize around 'theodiceal fairness': an officer asks a soldier whether he believes that dying in the line of duty sends him to Valhalla to feel up Norse maidens and drink mead from a goat's teats; satisfied, he hands him 'one-dying gear and a stick of dynamite.' People with naively hopeful afterlife views (a paradise 'land of weed and threesomes') are rapidly killed off at the front, while those with the bleakest beliefs (life as the first of infinitely nested hells) get promoted to management. To keep recruiting, military leaders found their own religion promising the 'land of weed and threesomes,' and a crowd cheers 'WOOOH!' But once in power, a bald leader is tempted to believe his own theology, daydreaming about being a new kind of Jesus who tells people exactly what they want to hear in exchange for sex, money, and power over life and death. Technology saves the day: autonomous kill-bots arrive early, shouting 'GLICKS!', and the man is told he'll have to be Christ incarnate on civilian time. Votey: a single panel of the same scowling bald man yelling, 'AS SOON AS PEOPLE REALIZE I'M JESUS CHRIST WE'RE GONNA COME KICK YOUR ASS!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.