wizardry
Original: wizardry on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man with flame-like red hair: Dear God, how come no wizard magic?
Voice (from a glowing yellow speech bubble): WHAT?
Panel 2:
Man: How come we can't do wizard magic like in Harry Potter? You could have a self-consistent physics that allows for flying trains and talking books and unicorns.
Panel 3:
Voice: OH? You want flying trains? You mean like, FOR INSTANCE, AIRPLANES? OR ROCKETS? OR BLIMPS?
Panel 4:
Voice: And you want a talking book? You mean like the one in your pocket that also answers all questions, lets you call people around the planet, and plays videos of anything you like? You want to try looking up porn? On a magic wizard book? Do you?
Panel 5:
Man: You know what a unicorn is? It's a horse with a keratin growth in the middle of its face.
Voice: Well they can also detect virgins.
Man: Yeah, you know what else can detect virgins? Asking people if they're virgins.
Panel 6:
Voice: You know what's more amazing than a horse with a facial tumor who can't get laid? A fuzzy bug that transmogrifies into a pair of miniature Mondrians, fixed in gossamer wings, born along the wind to roses and sunflowers. It's called a butterfly, you ungrateful dungheap.
Panel 7:
Man: I guess what I want is all that stuff, but without any effort, and with vaguely medieval aesthetics.
Voice: DID YOU KNOW THIS UNIVERSE PERMITS VIDEO GAMES?
Votey:
Voice (in a speech bubble): THE BOOK OF NROP ACCEPTS YOU, HARRY.
(The panel below is a pixelated/censored blurred image, implying explicit content.)
Man with flame-like red hair: Dear God, how come no wizard magic?
Voice (from a glowing yellow speech bubble): WHAT?
Panel 2:
Man: How come we can't do wizard magic like in Harry Potter? You could have a self-consistent physics that allows for flying trains and talking books and unicorns.
Panel 3:
Voice: OH? You want flying trains? You mean like, FOR INSTANCE, AIRPLANES? OR ROCKETS? OR BLIMPS?
Panel 4:
Voice: And you want a talking book? You mean like the one in your pocket that also answers all questions, lets you call people around the planet, and plays videos of anything you like? You want to try looking up porn? On a magic wizard book? Do you?
Panel 5:
Man: You know what a unicorn is? It's a horse with a keratin growth in the middle of its face.
Voice: Well they can also detect virgins.
Man: Yeah, you know what else can detect virgins? Asking people if they're virgins.
Panel 6:
Voice: You know what's more amazing than a horse with a facial tumor who can't get laid? A fuzzy bug that transmogrifies into a pair of miniature Mondrians, fixed in gossamer wings, born along the wind to roses and sunflowers. It's called a butterfly, you ungrateful dungheap.
Panel 7:
Man: I guess what I want is all that stuff, but without any effort, and with vaguely medieval aesthetics.
Voice: DID YOU KNOW THIS UNIVERSE PERMITS VIDEO GAMES?
Votey:
Voice (in a speech bubble): THE BOOK OF NROP ACCEPTS YOU, HARRY.
(The panel below is a pixelated/censored blurred image, implying explicit content.)
Alt text
A seven-panel comic. A man with flame-like red hair talks to God, who is represented only as a glowing yellow speech bubble. The man complains, 'Dear God, how come no wizard magic?' and asks why we can't have Harry Potter-style magic with flying trains, talking books, and unicorns. God deadpans that flying trains already exist as airplanes, rockets, and blimps, and that the 'talking book' is the phone in his pocket that answers all questions, calls anyone on the planet, and plays any video, including porn. The man dismisses unicorns as horses with a keratin growth on the face; God notes they detect virgins, and the man retorts you can detect virgins by just asking. God then rhapsodizes that something more amazing than a unicorn is a butterfly, 'a fuzzy bug that transmogrifies into a pair of miniature Mondrians, fixed in gossamer wings,' calling the man an 'ungrateful dungheap.' The man admits he just wants all that stuff with no effort and 'vaguely medieval aesthetics.' God replies, 'DID YOU KNOW THIS UNIVERSE PERMITS VIDEO GAMES?' Votey: a speech bubble reads 'THE BOOK OF NROP ACCEPTS YOU, HARRY' ('NROP' is 'PORN' reversed) above a heavily pixelated, censored image implying explicit content.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.