dear-satan
Original: dear-satan on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman (hands clasped in prayer): "Dear Satan, if you're all powerful, all knowing, and all evil, why do good things happen to good people?"
Panel 2 (red speech, Satan replying):
Satan: "Look, it's all in the big equation. The goal isn't PURE badness, it's MAXIMUM badness."
Panel 3 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Imagine life is unmitigated misery. God sends a tsunami or an earthquake or something, but nobody cares. It's a relief when they get dragged under."
Panel 4 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Now, suppose I run around making the world beautiful, putting smiles on children's faces, making the flowers bloom, nudging poets to make beautiful things and scientists to increase healthy lifespans. Then WHAM, God comes in with a hurricane."
Panel 5 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Huge misery spike that more than offsets the positive moments."
Panel 6:
Woman: "Hm."
Panel 7:
Woman: "So God doesn't create the happy stuff?"
Panel 8 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Right, that's me. We do a sort of good-cop-bad-cop thing."
Panel 9:
Woman: "Hm."
Panel 10:
Woman: "Maybe I'll angle to end up in hell then?"
Panel 11 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Sorry, no vacancy. Fornication is OFF THE WALL up there lately."
Votey:
A hand-drawn speech tail/horn shape with the text: "I blame the media."
Woman (hands clasped in prayer): "Dear Satan, if you're all powerful, all knowing, and all evil, why do good things happen to good people?"
Panel 2 (red speech, Satan replying):
Satan: "Look, it's all in the big equation. The goal isn't PURE badness, it's MAXIMUM badness."
Panel 3 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Imagine life is unmitigated misery. God sends a tsunami or an earthquake or something, but nobody cares. It's a relief when they get dragged under."
Panel 4 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Now, suppose I run around making the world beautiful, putting smiles on children's faces, making the flowers bloom, nudging poets to make beautiful things and scientists to increase healthy lifespans. Then WHAM, God comes in with a hurricane."
Panel 5 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Huge misery spike that more than offsets the positive moments."
Panel 6:
Woman: "Hm."
Panel 7:
Woman: "So God doesn't create the happy stuff?"
Panel 8 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Right, that's me. We do a sort of good-cop-bad-cop thing."
Panel 9:
Woman: "Hm."
Panel 10:
Woman: "Maybe I'll angle to end up in hell then?"
Panel 11 (red speech, Satan):
Satan: "Sorry, no vacancy. Fornication is OFF THE WALL up there lately."
Votey:
A hand-drawn speech tail/horn shape with the text: "I blame the media."
Alt text
A webcomic conversation between a woman and an unseen Satan, whose dialogue appears in red speech bubbles against dark green panels of tangled silhouetted branches. The woman, with blue-gray hair and a red top, clasps her hands and prays: "Dear Satan, if you're all powerful, all knowing, and all evil, why do good things happen to good people?" Satan explains his strategy: the goal isn't pure badness but MAXIMUM badness. If life were unmitigated misery, a tsunami would just be a relief. So instead Satan makes the world beautiful, makes flowers bloom and children smile, and then God swoops in with a hurricane, producing a huge misery spike that more than offsets all the good. The woman realizes God doesn't create the happy stuff, Satan does, and they run a good-cop-bad-cop routine. She muses, "Maybe I'll angle to end up in hell then?" Satan replies, "Sorry, no vacancy. Fornication is OFF THE WALL up there lately." The votey is a small hand-drawn doodle, its squiggly horn-like lines forming a frame around the punchline: "I blame the media."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.