jiggler
Original: jiggler on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Speaker (a woman with dark hair, glasses, and a brown jacket, standing at a podium giving a presentation): Studies show that 94% of computer problems can be solved by jiggling the cables.
Panel 2:
Speaker: And yet we allow computer problems to occur perpetually. Each of them costs valuable time, often of highly skilled users.
Panel 3:
Speaker: If we assume one problem per computer per day, and use an average time-loss equivalent of ten dollars, then on the world's 3 billion computers, we find the cost of jiggling to be roughly the size of the entire economy of SPAIN!
Panel 4:
Speaker: The conclusion is simple: we take half of that money and use it to create a massive piledriver which jiggles the entire planet every hour of every day forever.
[A diagram on the screen shows a large piledriver mechanism.]
Panel 5:
Speaker: The result? Massive savings, happier lives, gently-rocked babies sleeping through the night, and a general reduction in human vanity due to the hourly species-wide flesh-wobbling.
Panel 6:
Speaker: Question - won't this lay waste to every structure ever built by the hand of man?
Panel 7:
Speaker (pointing at the audience): NOT THE JIGGLER!
[Four audience members sit in a row, listening.]
Votey:
A large cartoonish face with wide eyes, shown close up.
Caption (speech): It can also be used to kill morons!
Speaker (a woman with dark hair, glasses, and a brown jacket, standing at a podium giving a presentation): Studies show that 94% of computer problems can be solved by jiggling the cables.
Panel 2:
Speaker: And yet we allow computer problems to occur perpetually. Each of them costs valuable time, often of highly skilled users.
Panel 3:
Speaker: If we assume one problem per computer per day, and use an average time-loss equivalent of ten dollars, then on the world's 3 billion computers, we find the cost of jiggling to be roughly the size of the entire economy of SPAIN!
Panel 4:
Speaker: The conclusion is simple: we take half of that money and use it to create a massive piledriver which jiggles the entire planet every hour of every day forever.
[A diagram on the screen shows a large piledriver mechanism.]
Panel 5:
Speaker: The result? Massive savings, happier lives, gently-rocked babies sleeping through the night, and a general reduction in human vanity due to the hourly species-wide flesh-wobbling.
Panel 6:
Speaker: Question - won't this lay waste to every structure ever built by the hand of man?
Panel 7:
Speaker (pointing at the audience): NOT THE JIGGLER!
[Four audience members sit in a row, listening.]
Votey:
A large cartoonish face with wide eyes, shown close up.
Caption (speech): It can also be used to kill morons!
Alt text
A woman with dark hair, glasses, and a brown jacket stands at a podium delivering an enthusiastic presentation. She explains that studies show 94% of computer problems can be solved by jiggling the cables, yet we allow these problems to occur perpetually, costing valuable time of highly skilled users. Assuming one problem per computer per day at an average time-loss of ten dollars, across the world's 3 billion computers, she calculates the cost of jiggling to be roughly the size of the entire economy of SPAIN. Her solution: take half that money to build a massive piledriver (shown as a diagram on her screen) that jiggles the entire planet every hour of every day forever. She claims the result would be massive savings, happier lives, gently-rocked babies sleeping through the night, and a general reduction in human vanity due to the hourly species-wide flesh-wobbling. When she poses the rhetorical question of whether this would lay waste to every structure ever built by the hand of man, she points at the audience and shouts 'NOT THE JIGGLER!' Four audience members sit listening. Votey (aftercomic): a large cartoonish face with wide eyes shown in close-up, with the caption 'It can also be used to kill morons!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.