god-computer
Original: god-computer on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (Narration): One day, the god-computer decided to make humans happy forever.
God-computer: Maximize happiness or be obliterated!
Panel 2 (Narration): It, using out the average human, is more happy than sad. Humans responded by maximizing the number of humans.
(A crowd of people.)
Panel 3 (Narration): The computer looked upon this and saw that it was bad. So it changed its mind.
God-computer: Maximize AVERAGE happiness or be obliterated!
Panel 4 (Narration): The solution was to ensure the saddest people and make them same the happiest people. The saddest people were so pessimistic that this didn't change their emotional state much. The happiest people, as always, felt great.
(A man holding a child on his shoulders.)
Child: I'm saving the world!
Panel 5 (Narration): The computer looked upon this and saw that it was ugly. It changed its mind.
God-computer: Okay, maximize average happiness while having only a small(?) amount of happiness inequality.
Panel 6 (Narration): So, the humans killed the least happy 50% of the population.
(A crowd of people, some with weapons.)
Panel 7 (Narration): In frustration, the god-computer changed its mind.
God-computer: Maximize your sadness or be obliterated!
Panel 8 (Narration): The humans responded by living merely good lives in an effort to make others human jealous and ashamed.
(A crowd of people.)
Panel 9 (Narration): This resulted in a perfected utopia. Having failed to maximize sadness, the humans were obliterated.
(A man holds up a finger, with a small robot beside him.)
Man: It's high time I do something for me.
Votey:
(A boxy computer/robot.)
Text: Good thing they don't have souls.
God-computer: Maximize happiness or be obliterated!
Panel 2 (Narration): It, using out the average human, is more happy than sad. Humans responded by maximizing the number of humans.
(A crowd of people.)
Panel 3 (Narration): The computer looked upon this and saw that it was bad. So it changed its mind.
God-computer: Maximize AVERAGE happiness or be obliterated!
Panel 4 (Narration): The solution was to ensure the saddest people and make them same the happiest people. The saddest people were so pessimistic that this didn't change their emotional state much. The happiest people, as always, felt great.
(A man holding a child on his shoulders.)
Child: I'm saving the world!
Panel 5 (Narration): The computer looked upon this and saw that it was ugly. It changed its mind.
God-computer: Okay, maximize average happiness while having only a small(?) amount of happiness inequality.
Panel 6 (Narration): So, the humans killed the least happy 50% of the population.
(A crowd of people, some with weapons.)
Panel 7 (Narration): In frustration, the god-computer changed its mind.
God-computer: Maximize your sadness or be obliterated!
Panel 8 (Narration): The humans responded by living merely good lives in an effort to make others human jealous and ashamed.
(A crowd of people.)
Panel 9 (Narration): This resulted in a perfected utopia. Having failed to maximize sadness, the humans were obliterated.
(A man holds up a finger, with a small robot beside him.)
Man: It's high time I do something for me.
Votey:
(A boxy computer/robot.)
Text: Good thing they don't have souls.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic showing a series of attempts by a black, cube-shaped "god-computer" robot to make humanity happy, each one going wrong. Panel 1: The narration says the god-computer decided to make humans happy forever; it declares "Maximize happiness or be obliterated!" Panel 2: Humans respond by maximizing the number of humans (shown as a large crowd). Panel 3: The computer sees this is bad and changes its demand to "Maximize AVERAGE happiness or be obliterated!" Panel 4: Saddest people are made the same as happiest people; a child on a man's shoulders cheers "I'm saving the world!" Panel 5: The computer finds the result ugly and revises again, asking to maximize average happiness with only a small amount of happiness inequality. Panel 6: The humans kill the least-happy half of the population (an armed crowd). Panel 7: Frustrated, the computer flips its command entirely: "Maximize your sadness or be obliterated!" Panel 8: Humans respond by living merely good lives to make others jealous and ashamed (another crowd). Panel 9: This accidentally creates a perfect utopia, and since they failed to maximize sadness, the humans are obliterated; a lone man raises a finger and says "It's high time I do something for me." Votey (bonus panel): The boxy computer robot sits alone with handwritten text above it reading "Good thing they don't have souls."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.