talk-2
Original: talk-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: I decided conventional activism had failed.
Red-haired man: It's like entertainers don't even care about novelty diseases.
Panel 2:
Narration: I knew that light lay at the end of a dark path.
Red-haired man: It's time to take control of the media.
Panel 3:
Narration: The only way to power was to create an audience by giving ever more obnoxious things.
Red-haired man: They say they have freedom but they're always opposed. They're a position to get unus we like passed immediately.
Panel 4:
Narration: Eventually my views convinced groups that tautological statements accepting them as wisdom became a point of pride amongst my audience.
Red-haired man: If we keep the status quo, then nothing's gonna change. We've got to gradually, by making things different!
Panel 5:
Narration: At the height of my fame, I could string together random word sequences for hours at a time without anyone knowing.
Red-haired man: Hey, just dvance comp con bahar treaty samples and samples are stones! Okay, let's take some calls. Yes, caller on line 2.
Caller (phone): Hi, long time listener, first time caller. Love the show.
Panel 6:
Narration: Every joint I made went into purchasing larger media outlets, which I used to grow my audience, which I used to purchase larger media outlets in an ever-expanding circle of power.
Red-haired man: The mainstream media won't tell you this, but the funny thing is that I don't own a refusal to sell!
Panel 7:
Narration: Finally, I had all the power.
Red-haired man (sitting in front of monitors): Now, I can fix things.
Panel 8:
Narration: I hired thousands of fact-checkers and statisticians. Together we'd compose a new media.
Well-dressed man: Of course, that incident should be placed in the context of broader trends, which tell a story that is substantially more nuanced. We now go live to the library for a presentation on Bayesian inference.
Panel 9:
Narration: This created ratings issues.
Well-dressed man: Sir, everyone stopped watching except for a small cabal of maladjusted nerds.
Red-haired man: Wha'd they say?
Panel 10:
Narration: I had thought all along that the producers were the problem. I should've blamed the consumers.
Well-dressed man: They sent you 4,000 pages documenting pretty geah-inaccuracies they'd like corrected.
Red-haired man: Also, they called you a bitch.
Panel 11:
Narration: We announced that all the regular programming would resume.
Red-haired man: I've been watching this show for 4 hours and I still don't know who the enemy is!
Panel 12:
Narration: My plan was to pre-empt everything — to go before them myself and say something about what I'd learned.
Well-dressed man: Today's scheduled genius will be replaced by pictures of opposition figures in Hitler mustaches.
Panel 13:
Narration: But, when the moment arrived, only one thing came to mind.
(The red-haired man stands behind a desk giving a thumbs up.)
Panel 14:
Narration: Now, this is the hell that I built.
Dark-haired woman: Sir, ratings are off the charts today, sir.
Red-haired man (screaming, eyes wide): AAAAAAAH!
Votey:
Large close-up of the red-haired man's face.
Red-haired man (thinking): I guess I'll just enjoy a life of wealth, power, and unbridled hedonism.
Narration: I decided conventional activism had failed.
Red-haired man: It's like entertainers don't even care about novelty diseases.
Panel 2:
Narration: I knew that light lay at the end of a dark path.
Red-haired man: It's time to take control of the media.
Panel 3:
Narration: The only way to power was to create an audience by giving ever more obnoxious things.
Red-haired man: They say they have freedom but they're always opposed. They're a position to get unus we like passed immediately.
Panel 4:
Narration: Eventually my views convinced groups that tautological statements accepting them as wisdom became a point of pride amongst my audience.
Red-haired man: If we keep the status quo, then nothing's gonna change. We've got to gradually, by making things different!
Panel 5:
Narration: At the height of my fame, I could string together random word sequences for hours at a time without anyone knowing.
Red-haired man: Hey, just dvance comp con bahar treaty samples and samples are stones! Okay, let's take some calls. Yes, caller on line 2.
Caller (phone): Hi, long time listener, first time caller. Love the show.
Panel 6:
Narration: Every joint I made went into purchasing larger media outlets, which I used to grow my audience, which I used to purchase larger media outlets in an ever-expanding circle of power.
Red-haired man: The mainstream media won't tell you this, but the funny thing is that I don't own a refusal to sell!
Panel 7:
Narration: Finally, I had all the power.
Red-haired man (sitting in front of monitors): Now, I can fix things.
Panel 8:
Narration: I hired thousands of fact-checkers and statisticians. Together we'd compose a new media.
Well-dressed man: Of course, that incident should be placed in the context of broader trends, which tell a story that is substantially more nuanced. We now go live to the library for a presentation on Bayesian inference.
Panel 9:
Narration: This created ratings issues.
Well-dressed man: Sir, everyone stopped watching except for a small cabal of maladjusted nerds.
Red-haired man: Wha'd they say?
Panel 10:
Narration: I had thought all along that the producers were the problem. I should've blamed the consumers.
Well-dressed man: They sent you 4,000 pages documenting pretty geah-inaccuracies they'd like corrected.
Red-haired man: Also, they called you a bitch.
Panel 11:
Narration: We announced that all the regular programming would resume.
Red-haired man: I've been watching this show for 4 hours and I still don't know who the enemy is!
Panel 12:
Narration: My plan was to pre-empt everything — to go before them myself and say something about what I'd learned.
Well-dressed man: Today's scheduled genius will be replaced by pictures of opposition figures in Hitler mustaches.
Panel 13:
Narration: But, when the moment arrived, only one thing came to mind.
(The red-haired man stands behind a desk giving a thumbs up.)
Panel 14:
Narration: Now, this is the hell that I built.
Dark-haired woman: Sir, ratings are off the charts today, sir.
Red-haired man (screaming, eyes wide): AAAAAAAH!
Votey:
Large close-up of the red-haired man's face.
Red-haired man (thinking): I guess I'll just enjoy a life of wealth, power, and unbridled hedonism.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrated in the past tense by a red-haired man, telling the story of how he tried to take over the media. Early panels show him as a ranting talk-radio/TV host at a microphone, with captions explaining that he gained power by giving his audience ever more obnoxious, tautological content ('If we keep the status quo, then nothing's gonna change. We've got to gradually, by making things different!') and by buying larger and larger media outlets in an ever-expanding circle of power. A caller says 'Hi, long time listener, first time caller. Love the show.' A caption reads 'Finally, I had all the power,' showing him seated before a bank of monitors saying 'Now, I can fix things.' He hires fact-checkers and statisticians (a well-dressed man delivers a nuanced, Bayesian-inference presentation), but this creates ratings issues — everyone stops watching except 'a small cabal of maladjusted nerds,' who send 4,000 pages of corrections and call him a bitch. He resumes regular programming; an aide announces the scheduled genius will be replaced by 'pictures of opposition figures in Hitler mustaches.' He plans to go before the audience and share what he learned, but when the moment arrives he just stands at a desk giving a thumbs up. In the final panel a dark-haired woman reports 'Sir, ratings are off the charts today, sir,' and the red-haired man screams in horror, eyes wide: 'AAAAAAAH!' The caption reads 'Now, this is the hell that I built.' Votey: a large close-up of the red-haired man's face, thinking flatly, 'I guess I'll just enjoy a life of wealth, power, and unbridled hedonism.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.