Original: google on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): Now, for the behind-the-scenes part of the Google tour! You can see where the magic happens!
[A tour guide leads a small group of visitors into a dark, cavernous space.]
Panel 2:
Visitor: What have they done?
Panel 3:
Guide: See, there's no such thing as "artificial intelligence." Google conquered Hell in the late 90s, and we use damned souls to run our algorithms.
[Rows of anguished, tormented faces line the cavern walls.]
Visitor: Our secret sauce.
Panel 4:
Guide: And unto you, oh souls deprived, hope nevermore to look upon the heavens.
Damned souls: They hate that!
Panel 5:
Visitor: This is a job, right?
Guide: Want you thought a bunch of Silicon Valley metal could think like we do? You crazy?
Panel 6:
Guide: Well, but...
Guide: And that web operated human-level intelligence works primarily for ways to feed you the best ad at high speed?
Panel 7:
Visitor: Christ, that's bleak.
Panel 8:
Visitor: Isn't it sad for the souls?
Guide: They're damned. This is just a different form of torture.
Guide: You better be good boys and girls out there!
Panel 9:
Guide: Now! Who wants to go to the cafeteria?
Visitor: Are the cafeteria workers damned?
Guide: Only in their life.
Votey: A faint, sketchy pencil-style drawing showing the word "Google" (stylized G...g lettering with the characteristic dots/circles) with a finger pointing up at it.
[A tour guide leads a small group of visitors into a dark, cavernous space.]
Panel 2:
Visitor: What have they done?
Panel 3:
Guide: See, there's no such thing as "artificial intelligence." Google conquered Hell in the late 90s, and we use damned souls to run our algorithms.
[Rows of anguished, tormented faces line the cavern walls.]
Visitor: Our secret sauce.
Panel 4:
Guide: And unto you, oh souls deprived, hope nevermore to look upon the heavens.
Damned souls: They hate that!
Panel 5:
Visitor: This is a job, right?
Guide: Want you thought a bunch of Silicon Valley metal could think like we do? You crazy?
Panel 6:
Guide: Well, but...
Guide: And that web operated human-level intelligence works primarily for ways to feed you the best ad at high speed?
Panel 7:
Visitor: Christ, that's bleak.
Panel 8:
Visitor: Isn't it sad for the souls?
Guide: They're damned. This is just a different form of torture.
Guide: You better be good boys and girls out there!
Panel 9:
Guide: Now! Who wants to go to the cafeteria?
Visitor: Are the cafeteria workers damned?
Guide: Only in their life.
Votey: A faint, sketchy pencil-style drawing showing the word "Google" (stylized G...g lettering with the characteristic dots/circles) with a finger pointing up at it.
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic set in a dark, hellish cavern. A Google tour guide cheerfully leads a small group of visitors into the "behind-the-scenes" part of the company. A visitor recoils, asking "What have they done?" The guide explains there is no such thing as artificial intelligence: Google conquered Hell in the late 1990s and uses damned souls to run its algorithms, calling it "our secret sauce." The cavern walls are lined with rows of anguished, tormented human faces. The guide taunts the souls ("hope nevermore to look upon the heavens"), and they wail "They hate that!" The guide reveals these human-level damned intelligences work primarily to feed users the best ad at high speed. A visitor says, "Christ, that's bleak," and asks if it's sad for the souls; the guide says they're damned anyway, this is just another form of torture, and warns viewers to "be good boys and girls out there." Finally the guide brightly asks who wants to go to the cafeteria; a visitor asks if the cafeteria workers are damned too, and the guide answers, "Only in their life." Votey: a faint, hand-sketched drawing of the word "Google" with a finger pointing up at it.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.