utilitarian-time-travel
Original: utilitarian-time-travel on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman (with light hair, in a robe): WHO ARE YOU, STRANGE TRAVELER?
Masked figure (in a teal/blue costume with a dark mask): I COME FROM THE FUTURE.
Panel 2:
Masked figure: IN THE FUTURE, WE DEVELOP TIME TRAVEL, AND WE USE IT TO MAXIMIZE HISTORICAL HAPPINESS.
Panel 3:
Woman: SO YOU'VE COME TO STOP THE WICKED BARON FROM IMPALING ALL OF US?!
Masked figure: NAH.
Panel 4:
Masked figure: IF I STOP HIM, YOU STILL LIVE MARGINAL PEASANT LIVES.
Panel 5:
(The masked figure gestures.)
Panel 6:
Masked figure: INSTEAD, I'M USING THIS NEURON-RESTRUCTURING BEAM TO MAKE IT SO ALL OF YOU LOVE GETTING IMPALED.
(A beam fires from the mask.)
Panel 7:
Woman: BUT-
Sound effect: ZAAAAP
(The woman is struck by the beam, hair standing on end.)
Panel 8:
Caption banner: LATER...
(Silhouettes of people impaled on stakes against a red sky.)
A speech bubble from one of the impaled figures: HOORAY...
Votey:
A smiling woman with bobbed hair, impaled on a stake, says: I'M LIVING MY BEST LIFE
Woman (with light hair, in a robe): WHO ARE YOU, STRANGE TRAVELER?
Masked figure (in a teal/blue costume with a dark mask): I COME FROM THE FUTURE.
Panel 2:
Masked figure: IN THE FUTURE, WE DEVELOP TIME TRAVEL, AND WE USE IT TO MAXIMIZE HISTORICAL HAPPINESS.
Panel 3:
Woman: SO YOU'VE COME TO STOP THE WICKED BARON FROM IMPALING ALL OF US?!
Masked figure: NAH.
Panel 4:
Masked figure: IF I STOP HIM, YOU STILL LIVE MARGINAL PEASANT LIVES.
Panel 5:
(The masked figure gestures.)
Panel 6:
Masked figure: INSTEAD, I'M USING THIS NEURON-RESTRUCTURING BEAM TO MAKE IT SO ALL OF YOU LOVE GETTING IMPALED.
(A beam fires from the mask.)
Panel 7:
Woman: BUT-
Sound effect: ZAAAAP
(The woman is struck by the beam, hair standing on end.)
Panel 8:
Caption banner: LATER...
(Silhouettes of people impaled on stakes against a red sky.)
A speech bubble from one of the impaled figures: HOORAY...
Votey:
A smiling woman with bobbed hair, impaled on a stake, says: I'M LIVING MY BEST LIFE
Alt text
An eight-panel black-line comic over colored backgrounds. A woman in a robe asks a masked figure in a teal costume, "Who are you, strange traveler?" He answers, "I come from the future," explaining that in the future they developed time travel and use it to maximize historical happiness. She excitedly asks if he's come to stop the wicked baron from impaling everyone. He says "Nah" and explains that if he stopped the baron, the villagers would still live marginal peasant lives. Instead, he uses a "neuron-restructuring beam" to make it so everyone will LOVE getting impaled. He zaps the protesting woman with the beam ("BUT-" / "ZAAAAP"). The final wide panel reads "LATER..." and shows silhouettes of people impaled on stakes against a blood-red sky, one of them cheerfully saying "Hooray..." In the votey, a smiling, content woman impaled on a stake declares, "I'm living my best life."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.