fortune
Original: fortune on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A red-haired man in a yellow sweater-vest enters a parlor with a crystal ball. A woman in a red headscarf (the teller) sits across from him.
Teller: Welcome to Madame Robelda's. I am your signal teller.
Man: I thought this was a fortune teller.
Panel 2: Close-up on the teller, eyes closed.
Teller: No, that's impossible. I tell you the underlying motivations for your behaviors.
Panel 3:
Man: Where will I work?
Teller: At the least risky job that gets you into the local middle class.
Panel 4:
Man: Who will I fall in love with?
Teller: The highest status woman you have a better than 50% chance of marrying.
Panel 5:
Man: Why am I here?
Teller: Because telling people about your amusing time at the fortune teller will make you seem playful to skeptics and enigmatic to believers.
Panel 6:
Man: Do I do anything that isn't fundamentally about status-seeking?
Teller: Pooping.
Panel 7: The man's silhouette; the teller's silhouette beside the glowing crystal ball.
Teller: Unless you're one of those poop-obsessed nutrition guys and you blog about it.
Panel 8: Close-up on the man, looking dismayed.
Man: Damn.
Panel 9: The man stands wearing a yellow shirt that reads "Low Density Excreta 4LIFE .com".
Votey: A loosely-drawn man with a worried, sad expression looks up at a speech bubble.
Man: But it's my calling!
Teller: Welcome to Madame Robelda's. I am your signal teller.
Man: I thought this was a fortune teller.
Panel 2: Close-up on the teller, eyes closed.
Teller: No, that's impossible. I tell you the underlying motivations for your behaviors.
Panel 3:
Man: Where will I work?
Teller: At the least risky job that gets you into the local middle class.
Panel 4:
Man: Who will I fall in love with?
Teller: The highest status woman you have a better than 50% chance of marrying.
Panel 5:
Man: Why am I here?
Teller: Because telling people about your amusing time at the fortune teller will make you seem playful to skeptics and enigmatic to believers.
Panel 6:
Man: Do I do anything that isn't fundamentally about status-seeking?
Teller: Pooping.
Panel 7: The man's silhouette; the teller's silhouette beside the glowing crystal ball.
Teller: Unless you're one of those poop-obsessed nutrition guys and you blog about it.
Panel 8: Close-up on the man, looking dismayed.
Man: Damn.
Panel 9: The man stands wearing a yellow shirt that reads "Low Density Excreta 4LIFE .com".
Votey: A loosely-drawn man with a worried, sad expression looks up at a speech bubble.
Man: But it's my calling!
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic. A red-haired man in a yellow sweater-vest visits a parlor with a crystal ball, run by a woman in a red headscarf. She corrects him: "Welcome to Madame Robelda's. I am your signal teller... I tell you the underlying motivations for your behaviors." She then cynically answers his questions: he'll work "at the least risky job that gets you into the local middle class"; he'll fall in love with "the highest status woman you have a better than 50% chance of marrying"; he's even visiting the fortune teller to seem "playful to skeptics and enigmatic to believers." He asks if he does anything not fundamentally about status-seeking. She answers: "Pooping." Then adds, "Unless you're one of those poop-obsessed nutrition guys and you blog about it." He says "Damn." The final panel shows him wearing a shirt reading "Low Density Excreta 4LIFE .com." Votey: a sketchily drawn, sad-looking man looks up and protests, "But it's my calling!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.