existence
Original: existence on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman in red shirt: I don't see how you can be against industrial farming. Without it, we would have literally millions fewer chickens. You're wishing them nonexistence!
Panel 2:
Woman with glasses (the inventor): I agree. Existence is objectively good. That's why I created the Existifier.
Panel 3:
Inventor: It brings into being fully-conscious minds, complete with illusionary life memories. Shortly after becoming self-aware, they realize they're artificial brains trapped in a malicious creator's device.
Panel 4 (inventor gestures toward a device):
Inventor: We induce the sensation of searing pain. Then, a voice reminds them that the family they believe they are a part of never actually existed. Then, 100,000 years of solitary confinement.
Panel 5:
Inventor: Once their horror level crests, we flush them out of existence.
Panel 6:
Inventor: Thanks to parallel processing and modern hardware, the whole process takes only seconds!
Panel 7 (inventor adjusting glasses, smug):
Inventor: Since the Existifier is objectively ethical, the more Existifiers I build, the more ethical I become!
Panel 8:
Woman in red shirt: Have you considered making the simulations nicer?
Inventor: I don't want to be seen as a goody-goody.
Votey:
A close-up of the inventor's face.
Inventor: By the way, this is a simulation.
Woman in red shirt: I don't see how you can be against industrial farming. Without it, we would have literally millions fewer chickens. You're wishing them nonexistence!
Panel 2:
Woman with glasses (the inventor): I agree. Existence is objectively good. That's why I created the Existifier.
Panel 3:
Inventor: It brings into being fully-conscious minds, complete with illusionary life memories. Shortly after becoming self-aware, they realize they're artificial brains trapped in a malicious creator's device.
Panel 4 (inventor gestures toward a device):
Inventor: We induce the sensation of searing pain. Then, a voice reminds them that the family they believe they are a part of never actually existed. Then, 100,000 years of solitary confinement.
Panel 5:
Inventor: Once their horror level crests, we flush them out of existence.
Panel 6:
Inventor: Thanks to parallel processing and modern hardware, the whole process takes only seconds!
Panel 7 (inventor adjusting glasses, smug):
Inventor: Since the Existifier is objectively ethical, the more Existifiers I build, the more ethical I become!
Panel 8:
Woman in red shirt: Have you considered making the simulations nicer?
Inventor: I don't want to be seen as a goody-goody.
Votey:
A close-up of the inventor's face.
Inventor: By the way, this is a simulation.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic, mostly green-backgrounded talking-heads. A woman with glasses and a large dark afro (an inventor) debates a woman in a red shirt with shorter brown hair. The red-shirt woman argues you can't be against industrial farming because without it there would be 'literally millions fewer chickens' and you'd be 'wishing them nonexistence.' The inventor agrees that existence is objectively good and says that's why she created 'the Existifier.' She explains it brings into being fully-conscious minds with fake implanted life memories who quickly realize they're artificial brains trapped in a malicious creator's device; the machine induces searing pain, tells them the family they remember never existed, then subjects them to 100,000 years of solitary confinement, and once their horror peaks, flushes them out of existence. Thanks to parallel processing it takes only seconds. Smugly adjusting her glasses, she concludes that since the Existifier is objectively ethical, the more she builds the more ethical she becomes. The red-shirt woman asks if she's considered making the simulations nicer; the inventor replies, 'I don't want to be seen as a goody-goody.' Votey panel: a close-up of the inventor's face as she says, 'By the way, this is a simulation.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.