soulmate
Original: soulmate on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Narration: WE CREATED A MACHINE TO FIND SOULMATES.
Scientist (a man with glasses and dark hair): NO MORE CHANCE ENCOUNTERS. NO MORE LONGING IN THE NIGHT. THE MACHINE WILL FIND THE ONE PERSON WITH WHOM YOU WOULD HAVE YOUR BEST--
Man with a quiff (interrupting): HUH. IT TURNS OUT ALL OF US WOULD BE HAPPIER MARRYING ANY ONE OF DOZENS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE POWERFUL, ATTRACTIVE, WEALTHY, AND BRILLIANT.
Panel 2
Narration: WE SCOFFED AT THESE UNIVERSAL SOULMATES.
Woman: I'M SORRY. I HAVE NO TIME TO LOVE YOU. I MUST FIRST ERADICATE DISEASE FROM THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD.
Man: COULD WE JUST DO IT FOR A WHILE? I'M MORE OF A CANDLELIGHT-ROMANCE GUY.
Woman: GOODNIGHT.
Panel 3
Narration: IN OUR HOUR OF NEED, WE MADE PEACE WITH OUR LESSER CRUSHES.
Man: AT LEAST WE'RE BETTER FOR HAVING KNOWN OF THEM.
Woman: THEY INSPIRE US TO BE OUR FINEST SELVES.
Panel 4
Narration: UNTIL WE DISCOVERED THEIR SECRET.
Woman: YOU HAVE SECRET MEETINGS? TRYING TO KILL US, ARE YOU?
Man #1: WE WERE BEING ROMANTIC ON BEHALF OF THE NATURE OF LOVE!
Man #2: WE HAVE TO HELP THEM. WE ARE ALL SOULMATES.
Panel 5
Narration: WE GET A TIME FOR THEIR PLANS.
Woman (a soulmate): MR. PRESIDENT-- AS BEST I PROPOSE WE ATTACK A SMALL NATION AND TURN ITS GOVERNMENT TO A GAMBLING CREATING A REFUGEE CRISIS THAT WE PRESSURE TO HELP WITH.
President: WOW! YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE CONSCIENCE THAT JUST HAPPENED!
Panel 6
Narration: THE IDEAL PEOPLE ANTICIPATED OUR PLAN AND REACTED ACCORDINGLY.
(A handwritten note): To whoever it may concern: We knew that to make this look like you observed having omniscience and oversharing what you would get to overlook in this know-so far you knew it all. With great love...
Panel 7
Narration: THE NOW-MARTIAN RACE THRIVED.
Left caption: WOW! THE CORE BECAME MAGNETIC AGAIN. THIS MOMENT WE WERE MIND...
Right caption: ...AND THE ATMOSPHERE THICKENING. JUST SO IT CAN STAY CLOSE TO US.
(Image: a domed structure / habitat on a planet surface)
Panel 8
Narration: EARTH BECAME A WEIRD PLACE TO BE.
Woman: MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME...
Man (with a beard): HEY, THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE FISH IN THE SEA. YOU REALLY GREAT FISH NOW. BUT, MORE.
Panel 9
Narration: MEANWHILE, THE MARTIANS PROGRESSED RAPIDLY.
Woman: NOW THAT I'M PART THINGS-- THINGS HUMANITY BROKE, I CAN BUILD THEIR PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE WE ALWAYS WANTED!
Man: OH? AND WE CAN END WAR BY LIKE NOT DOING WAR.
Panel 10
Narration: THE COMBINATION OF THEIR ADVANCED KNOWLEDGE AND OUR ADVANCED LONGING PRODUCED SOME UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS.
Man: THE FUNDAMENTAL EQUATIONS SAY EARTHLINGS WOULD BE LESS UNHAPPY IF THEY WERE NON-EXISTENT.
Woman: PROBABLY LASERS.
Panel 11
Narration: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL!
Woman: IT CAN'T BE WELL ALL BY ITSELF! IN HEAVEN, TOGETHER!
Man: ACTUALLY WE GO TO A DIFFERENT ONE.
(Image: an explosion/fire below as the two figures embrace in the sky)
Votey:
A character points (a tool/hand reaching) and a speech bubble reads: "The one where God hangs out."
Narration: WE CREATED A MACHINE TO FIND SOULMATES.
Scientist (a man with glasses and dark hair): NO MORE CHANCE ENCOUNTERS. NO MORE LONGING IN THE NIGHT. THE MACHINE WILL FIND THE ONE PERSON WITH WHOM YOU WOULD HAVE YOUR BEST--
Man with a quiff (interrupting): HUH. IT TURNS OUT ALL OF US WOULD BE HAPPIER MARRYING ANY ONE OF DOZENS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE POWERFUL, ATTRACTIVE, WEALTHY, AND BRILLIANT.
Panel 2
Narration: WE SCOFFED AT THESE UNIVERSAL SOULMATES.
Woman: I'M SORRY. I HAVE NO TIME TO LOVE YOU. I MUST FIRST ERADICATE DISEASE FROM THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD.
Man: COULD WE JUST DO IT FOR A WHILE? I'M MORE OF A CANDLELIGHT-ROMANCE GUY.
Woman: GOODNIGHT.
Panel 3
Narration: IN OUR HOUR OF NEED, WE MADE PEACE WITH OUR LESSER CRUSHES.
Man: AT LEAST WE'RE BETTER FOR HAVING KNOWN OF THEM.
Woman: THEY INSPIRE US TO BE OUR FINEST SELVES.
Panel 4
Narration: UNTIL WE DISCOVERED THEIR SECRET.
Woman: YOU HAVE SECRET MEETINGS? TRYING TO KILL US, ARE YOU?
Man #1: WE WERE BEING ROMANTIC ON BEHALF OF THE NATURE OF LOVE!
Man #2: WE HAVE TO HELP THEM. WE ARE ALL SOULMATES.
Panel 5
Narration: WE GET A TIME FOR THEIR PLANS.
Woman (a soulmate): MR. PRESIDENT-- AS BEST I PROPOSE WE ATTACK A SMALL NATION AND TURN ITS GOVERNMENT TO A GAMBLING CREATING A REFUGEE CRISIS THAT WE PRESSURE TO HELP WITH.
President: WOW! YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE CONSCIENCE THAT JUST HAPPENED!
Panel 6
Narration: THE IDEAL PEOPLE ANTICIPATED OUR PLAN AND REACTED ACCORDINGLY.
(A handwritten note): To whoever it may concern: We knew that to make this look like you observed having omniscience and oversharing what you would get to overlook in this know-so far you knew it all. With great love...
Panel 7
Narration: THE NOW-MARTIAN RACE THRIVED.
Left caption: WOW! THE CORE BECAME MAGNETIC AGAIN. THIS MOMENT WE WERE MIND...
Right caption: ...AND THE ATMOSPHERE THICKENING. JUST SO IT CAN STAY CLOSE TO US.
(Image: a domed structure / habitat on a planet surface)
Panel 8
Narration: EARTH BECAME A WEIRD PLACE TO BE.
Woman: MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME...
Man (with a beard): HEY, THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE FISH IN THE SEA. YOU REALLY GREAT FISH NOW. BUT, MORE.
Panel 9
Narration: MEANWHILE, THE MARTIANS PROGRESSED RAPIDLY.
Woman: NOW THAT I'M PART THINGS-- THINGS HUMANITY BROKE, I CAN BUILD THEIR PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE WE ALWAYS WANTED!
Man: OH? AND WE CAN END WAR BY LIKE NOT DOING WAR.
Panel 10
Narration: THE COMBINATION OF THEIR ADVANCED KNOWLEDGE AND OUR ADVANCED LONGING PRODUCED SOME UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS.
Man: THE FUNDAMENTAL EQUATIONS SAY EARTHLINGS WOULD BE LESS UNHAPPY IF THEY WERE NON-EXISTENT.
Woman: PROBABLY LASERS.
Panel 11
Narration: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL!
Woman: IT CAN'T BE WELL ALL BY ITSELF! IN HEAVEN, TOGETHER!
Man: ACTUALLY WE GO TO A DIFFERENT ONE.
(Image: an explosion/fire below as the two figures embrace in the sky)
Votey:
A character points (a tool/hand reaching) and a speech bubble reads: "The one where God hangs out."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrating, panel by panel, the story of humanity building a machine to find soulmates. Each panel has a narration caption across the top and small figures with speech bubbles below. (1) "We created a machine to find soulmates." A scientist promises perfect matches; a man notes the machine reveals everyone would be equally happy marrying any of dozens of powerful, attractive, wealthy, brilliant people. (2) "We scoffed at these universal soulmates." A super-capable woman says she has no time to love because she must first eradicate disease from the world's children; a man asks if they could date anyway, she says goodnight. (3) The ordinary people make peace with their lesser crushes, saying the ideal people inspire them to be their finest selves. (4) They discover the ideal soulmates hold secret meetings and accuse them of plotting; the ideal ones insist they were being romantic on behalf of love and that everyone is soulmates. (5) An ideal woman pitches an elaborate scheme to a president, who marvels obliviously. (6) The ideal people anticipate everything and leave behind a long handwritten note about their omniscience. (7) The narration says the now-Martian race thrived; a domed habitat sits on a planet, captions noting the core became magnetic and the atmosphere thickened to stay close. (8) Earth becomes a weird place; a bearded man badly comforts a woman whose boyfriend left, mangling the "more fish in the sea" line. (9) The Martians progress rapidly, building a perpetual-motion machine and ending war by simply not doing war. (10) Their advanced knowledge plus humanity's advanced longing yields the uncomfortable conclusion that Earthlings would be less unhappy if they were non-existent ("probably lasers"). (11) "All's well that ends well!" Two figures embrace in the sky above an explosion/fire, one saying they actually go to a different heaven. Votey panel: a hand/tool gestures and a speech bubble reads "The one where God hangs out."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.