i-am-no-longer-a-child
Original: i-am-no-longer-a-child on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Young man (to older man): FATHER, I HAVE COME OF AGE. I WISH NO LONGER TO PLAY WITH THE TOYS OF CHILDHOOD.
Panel 2:
Father: LET IT BE THUS. YOU SHALL BEGIN TO GROW THE TRADITIONAL NEAR-INVISIBLE MUSTACHE.
Panel 3:
Young man: I SHALL COMMENCE PLAYING MUSIC AT A VOLUME THAT WILL DAMAGE MY INNER EAR, SCARRING MYSELF AS YOU WERE SCARRED IN YOUR YOUTH.
Panel 4:
Father: YOU MUST BATHE BUT ONCE EVERY FEW DAYS, AND THEN NOT THOROUGHLY, SO THAT, AS OTHERS PASS, YOU BY THEY WILL SAY, "THERE WALKS NO BOY."
Young man: I WILL DO WHAT I MUST.
Panel 5:
Father: ARE YOU AFRAID, MAN-CHILD?
Young man: ONE CANNOT FEAR WHAT MUST BE.
Father: IT IS HARD, BUT IT IS WELL.
Panel 6:
Father: COME, AND WE SHALL ADORN YOUR ROOM WALLS WITH MEN YOU WILL NEVER EQUAL AND WOMEN YOU WILL NEVER BED.
Young man: LET IT BE DONE.
Votey:
Father (eyes closed, solemn): From this time forward, I shall ne'er gaze upon your browser history
Young man (to older man): FATHER, I HAVE COME OF AGE. I WISH NO LONGER TO PLAY WITH THE TOYS OF CHILDHOOD.
Panel 2:
Father: LET IT BE THUS. YOU SHALL BEGIN TO GROW THE TRADITIONAL NEAR-INVISIBLE MUSTACHE.
Panel 3:
Young man: I SHALL COMMENCE PLAYING MUSIC AT A VOLUME THAT WILL DAMAGE MY INNER EAR, SCARRING MYSELF AS YOU WERE SCARRED IN YOUR YOUTH.
Panel 4:
Father: YOU MUST BATHE BUT ONCE EVERY FEW DAYS, AND THEN NOT THOROUGHLY, SO THAT, AS OTHERS PASS, YOU BY THEY WILL SAY, "THERE WALKS NO BOY."
Young man: I WILL DO WHAT I MUST.
Panel 5:
Father: ARE YOU AFRAID, MAN-CHILD?
Young man: ONE CANNOT FEAR WHAT MUST BE.
Father: IT IS HARD, BUT IT IS WELL.
Panel 6:
Father: COME, AND WE SHALL ADORN YOUR ROOM WALLS WITH MEN YOU WILL NEVER EQUAL AND WOMEN YOU WILL NEVER BED.
Young man: LET IT BE DONE.
Votey:
Father (eyes closed, solemn): From this time forward, I shall ne'er gaze upon your browser history
Alt text
A six-panel black-and-white comic styled as a solemn coming-of-age ceremony between a young man and his father, all dialogue in mock-archaic, formal language. The young man declares he has come of age and no longer wishes to play with the toys of childhood. The father grants this and says the son shall now grow the 'traditional near-invisible mustache.' The son vows to play music loud enough to damage his inner ear, scarring himself as his father was scarred in youth. The father instructs him to bathe only once every few days and not thoroughly, so passersby will say 'there walks no boy.' The father asks if he is afraid; the son replies one cannot fear what must be. Finally the father says they shall adorn his room walls with 'men you will never equal and women you will never bed,' and the son says 'Let it be done.' The joke treats stereotypical adolescent-boy behaviors as a sacred rite of passage. In the votey aftercomic, a close-up of the father with eyes closed and a serene expression solemnly intones, 'From this time forward, I shall ne'er gaze upon your browser history.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.