a-to-do-app
Original: a-to-do-app on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (a presenting man at a podium, speaking to an unseen audience): "We created a new kind of to-do app. Everyone in this company gets points for completing tasks. Whoever has the most points at a given time gets to decide the value of all tasks."
Panel 2 (a woman with light hair, shouting): "By the first night, unspoken hatred went from a problem to a foundation. I HAVE TO WIN. I'M THE ONLY SANE PERSON HERE."
Panel 3 (the presenter narrating; a worried green-shirted man speaks): "By the fourth night, productivity had increased tenfold." Green-shirted man: "I've been building spreadsheets for 87 hours straight! I can taste sound!" Other voice: "So—" Green-shirted man: "I'm gonna pup show and eat this conversation."
Panel 4 (an older woman with glasses, arms raised triumphantly): "On the seventh night, a leader emerged. I would like to give thanks to my husband who was always there for me, ready to share his prescription for amphetamines."
Panel 5 (a robed figure on a throne): "As we hoped, she was a tyrant. All tasks have a point value of 1, except the task of task assignment, which is worth 1,000,000 points."
Panel 6 (a bearded man speaking): "You armchair sociologists might think the morale drop would cause turnover. Each moment of my life is worse than the last and 100%'s coffee is hazardous."
Panel 7 (a distressed woman): "You have misunderstood human nature. I hate her so much I MUST stay until she is destroyed."
Panel 8 (a sign/notice depicted): "Fearing for her safety, Agnes began to telecommute, then to telecommute by proxy. 'Urinating during work hours shall cost 400 points, so let it be written.'"
Panel 9 (a large coffee pot / urn; a green-shirted figure and a red-haired figure): "Forty days passed and forty nights, and by that time, no employee knew if she were alive or dead, or if she ever existed." One figure: "Don't forget—" Another: "Praise Agnes and blessed be!" "—the new pot, she is watching."
Panel 10 (the older woman with glasses again): "Agnes has been silent for five years. The legend grows greater and more terrible. Weave a circle round her thrice and close your eyes with holy dread, for she wants to laugh upon her overhead and say that she should synergize."
Panel 11 (a red-haired man, intense): "This is not mere 'best practices,' my friends. This is a tontine with Satan. A pay freeze?! Well, I'll just work twice as hard, then I will be the Agnes."
Panel 12 (the presenter again, gesturing): "And that is how SnuggyCo™ produces cheaper, better puppy-vests than most of the competition." Off-panel reaction: "GASP!"
Votey: A handwritten sticky-note style panel reads: "If Agnes did not exist, it would be necessary to create her."
Panel 2 (a woman with light hair, shouting): "By the first night, unspoken hatred went from a problem to a foundation. I HAVE TO WIN. I'M THE ONLY SANE PERSON HERE."
Panel 3 (the presenter narrating; a worried green-shirted man speaks): "By the fourth night, productivity had increased tenfold." Green-shirted man: "I've been building spreadsheets for 87 hours straight! I can taste sound!" Other voice: "So—" Green-shirted man: "I'm gonna pup show and eat this conversation."
Panel 4 (an older woman with glasses, arms raised triumphantly): "On the seventh night, a leader emerged. I would like to give thanks to my husband who was always there for me, ready to share his prescription for amphetamines."
Panel 5 (a robed figure on a throne): "As we hoped, she was a tyrant. All tasks have a point value of 1, except the task of task assignment, which is worth 1,000,000 points."
Panel 6 (a bearded man speaking): "You armchair sociologists might think the morale drop would cause turnover. Each moment of my life is worse than the last and 100%'s coffee is hazardous."
Panel 7 (a distressed woman): "You have misunderstood human nature. I hate her so much I MUST stay until she is destroyed."
Panel 8 (a sign/notice depicted): "Fearing for her safety, Agnes began to telecommute, then to telecommute by proxy. 'Urinating during work hours shall cost 400 points, so let it be written.'"
Panel 9 (a large coffee pot / urn; a green-shirted figure and a red-haired figure): "Forty days passed and forty nights, and by that time, no employee knew if she were alive or dead, or if she ever existed." One figure: "Don't forget—" Another: "Praise Agnes and blessed be!" "—the new pot, she is watching."
Panel 10 (the older woman with glasses again): "Agnes has been silent for five years. The legend grows greater and more terrible. Weave a circle round her thrice and close your eyes with holy dread, for she wants to laugh upon her overhead and say that she should synergize."
Panel 11 (a red-haired man, intense): "This is not mere 'best practices,' my friends. This is a tontine with Satan. A pay freeze?! Well, I'll just work twice as hard, then I will be the Agnes."
Panel 12 (the presenter again, gesturing): "And that is how SnuggyCo™ produces cheaper, better puppy-vests than most of the competition." Off-panel reaction: "GASP!"
Votey: A handwritten sticky-note style panel reads: "If Agnes did not exist, it would be necessary to create her."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic told as a businessman's presentation about his company's productivity system, intercut with reaction shots of frazzled employees. He explains that everyone gets points for completing tasks, and whoever holds the most points decides the value of all tasks. We see the system spiral into a cult-like dystopia: a woman vows she must win because she's the only sane person; a sleep-deprived worker has built spreadsheets for 87 hours and can 'taste sound'; an older woman named Agnes seizes power by making the task of assigning tasks worth 1,000,000 points, becoming a tyrant. Employees stay out of pure hatred and a drive to overthrow her. Agnes retreats to telecommuting by proxy and issues edicts (urinating during work hours costs 400 points), eventually vanishing for years while becoming a feared legend, employees praising her over a coffee urn ('Praise Agnes and blessed be'). A red-haired man declares it a 'tontine with Satan' and vows to out-work everyone to become the new Agnes. The presenter concludes this is how SnuggyCo produces cheaper, better puppy-vests than the competition, prompting an off-panel 'GASP!' The votey is a handwritten sticky note reading: 'If Agnes did not exist, it would be necessary to create her.' (a riff on Voltaire's line about God). The joke: a gamified productivity system collapses into religious tyranny that nonetheless maximizes output.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.