bases-loaded
Original: bases-loaded on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: AMONG TEENAGERS, THERE WAS A BASEBALL-BASED METAPHOR FOR SEXUAL ACHIEVEMENT.
Text box: FIRST BASE: KISSING. SECOND BASE: TOUCHING BOOBS. THIRD BASE: TOUCHING ALL FOUR BASE: DOING IT.
Panel 2:
Narration: MEANWHILE, MORALITY GROUPS WERE WORRIED THAT TEENS WERE HAVING TOO MUCH SEX.
Woman: I THINK TEENS WOULD BEHAVE BETTER IF THEY WERE CONSTANTLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED BY DISTANT AUTHORITY FIGURES.
Man: EXACTLY!
Panel 3:
Narration: A PRAGMATIC SOLUTION WAS PROPOSED.
Man at podium (a president): MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IN ORDER TO SLOW THE SEXUALIZATION OF YOUNG PEOPLE WE ARE ADDING SIXTEEN MORE BASES TO BASEBALL.
Panel 4:
Narration: THE HOPE WAS THAT THE METAPHOR WOULD CHANGE.
Man: I GOT TO THIRD BASE WITH SALLY LAST NIGHT.
Second man: NO WAY! YOU IMAGINED HOLDING HER HAND?? ALL NIGHT LONG.
Panel 5:
Narration: BUT IT DIDN'T WORK THAT WAY.
Woman: WE'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH FOUR. WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S BEYOND. SO...
Man: PUT ON THIS BLINDFOLD WHILE I CHARGE THE DYNAMO.
Panel 6:
Narration: TEENAGE CULTURE MADE A SUDDEN SHIFT.
Man: I GOT TO FOURTEENTH BASE WITH SALLY.
Second man: WHOA! HOW WAS IT?
Man: GREAT ENTOURAGE, GREAT DENOUEMENT, AND THE ICE BECAME AS SACROSANCT AND THE MOON BECAME AS BLOOD.
Figure (screaming): DRAAAAAA...
Panel 7:
Narration: MORALITY GROUPS WERE HORRIFIED.
Man: THE AVERAGE SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD HAS BEEN TO SEVENTEENTH BASE FIVE TIMES.
Woman: BUT HOW DO THEY GET THAT MANY WATER WEENIES?
Panel 8:
Narration: BUT THERE WAS A SIGNIFICANT SILVER LINING.
Graph 1: PREGNANCY RISK (y-axis) vs BASE (x-axis, 0 to 20) - a sharp spike near base 5, dropping to near zero afterward.
Graph 2: POPULARITY (y-axis) vs BASE (x-axis, 0 to 20) - low until about base 10, then rising to a plateau.
Graph 3: TEENAGE PREGNANCY (y-axis) vs TIME (x-axis) - a curve declining steeply over time.
Panel 9:
Narration: MORALITY GROUPS ARE NOW CONFUSED.
Man: I GUESS WE... SORTA GOT WHAT WE WANTED?
Woman: I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING IN THE BIBLE THAT SPECIFICALLY SAYS WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T DO WITH AN INNER TUBE FULL OF LOCUSTS.
Panel 10:
Narration: AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY. EXCEPT PARENTS.
Parent (offscreen): WHY IS MY ELECTRIC BILL UP 2000X THIS MONTH?
Teen (offscreen): STOP TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!
Votey:
Woman: WE SHOULD INVEST IN SOLAR PANELS.
Narration: AMONG TEENAGERS, THERE WAS A BASEBALL-BASED METAPHOR FOR SEXUAL ACHIEVEMENT.
Text box: FIRST BASE: KISSING. SECOND BASE: TOUCHING BOOBS. THIRD BASE: TOUCHING ALL FOUR BASE: DOING IT.
Panel 2:
Narration: MEANWHILE, MORALITY GROUPS WERE WORRIED THAT TEENS WERE HAVING TOO MUCH SEX.
Woman: I THINK TEENS WOULD BEHAVE BETTER IF THEY WERE CONSTANTLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED BY DISTANT AUTHORITY FIGURES.
Man: EXACTLY!
Panel 3:
Narration: A PRAGMATIC SOLUTION WAS PROPOSED.
Man at podium (a president): MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IN ORDER TO SLOW THE SEXUALIZATION OF YOUNG PEOPLE WE ARE ADDING SIXTEEN MORE BASES TO BASEBALL.
Panel 4:
Narration: THE HOPE WAS THAT THE METAPHOR WOULD CHANGE.
Man: I GOT TO THIRD BASE WITH SALLY LAST NIGHT.
Second man: NO WAY! YOU IMAGINED HOLDING HER HAND?? ALL NIGHT LONG.
Panel 5:
Narration: BUT IT DIDN'T WORK THAT WAY.
Woman: WE'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH FOUR. WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S BEYOND. SO...
Man: PUT ON THIS BLINDFOLD WHILE I CHARGE THE DYNAMO.
Panel 6:
Narration: TEENAGE CULTURE MADE A SUDDEN SHIFT.
Man: I GOT TO FOURTEENTH BASE WITH SALLY.
Second man: WHOA! HOW WAS IT?
Man: GREAT ENTOURAGE, GREAT DENOUEMENT, AND THE ICE BECAME AS SACROSANCT AND THE MOON BECAME AS BLOOD.
Figure (screaming): DRAAAAAA...
Panel 7:
Narration: MORALITY GROUPS WERE HORRIFIED.
Man: THE AVERAGE SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD HAS BEEN TO SEVENTEENTH BASE FIVE TIMES.
Woman: BUT HOW DO THEY GET THAT MANY WATER WEENIES?
Panel 8:
Narration: BUT THERE WAS A SIGNIFICANT SILVER LINING.
Graph 1: PREGNANCY RISK (y-axis) vs BASE (x-axis, 0 to 20) - a sharp spike near base 5, dropping to near zero afterward.
Graph 2: POPULARITY (y-axis) vs BASE (x-axis, 0 to 20) - low until about base 10, then rising to a plateau.
Graph 3: TEENAGE PREGNANCY (y-axis) vs TIME (x-axis) - a curve declining steeply over time.
Panel 9:
Narration: MORALITY GROUPS ARE NOW CONFUSED.
Man: I GUESS WE... SORTA GOT WHAT WE WANTED?
Woman: I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING IN THE BIBLE THAT SPECIFICALLY SAYS WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T DO WITH AN INNER TUBE FULL OF LOCUSTS.
Panel 10:
Narration: AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY. EXCEPT PARENTS.
Parent (offscreen): WHY IS MY ELECTRIC BILL UP 2000X THIS MONTH?
Teen (offscreen): STOP TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!
Votey:
Woman: WE SHOULD INVEST IN SOLAR PANELS.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic about a baseball metaphor for teenage sexual milestones spiraling out of control. Panel 1: a teen explains the standard bases - first is kissing, second touching boobs, on up to home being 'doing it.' Panel 2: a morality-group man and woman agree teens would behave better if kept sexually frustrated by distant authority figures. Panel 3: a president at a podium announces that to slow the sexualization of youth, sixteen more bases are being added to baseball. Panel 4: two men talk - one brags he 'got to third base,' and the other is amazed he merely 'imagined holding her hand all night long.' Panel 5: a woman tells a man they've worked through the first four new bases and must figure out what's next; he tells her to put on a blindfold while he charges a dynamo. Panel 6: a man brags he reached 'fourteenth base,' describing it in surreal apocalyptic terms (the moon became as blood) while a figure screams. Panel 7: morality groups are horrified that sixteen-year-olds reach 'seventeenth base' five times, wondering how they get so many water weenies. Panel 8: three line graphs show pregnancy risk spiking only near low bases, popularity rising at high bases, and teenage pregnancy declining steeply over time. Panel 9: confused morality figures admit they sort of got what they wanted, noting the Bible says nothing about what you can do with an inner tube full of locusts. Panel 10: everyone is happy except parents - a parent asks why the electric bill is up 2000x, and a teen yells 'stop trying to ruin my life!' Votey panel: a woman with long dark hair flatly says 'We should invest in solar panels.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.