2014-10-07
Original: 2014-10-07 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: Politicians used to go into debates without a lot of preparation.
(A man at a podium speaks; another man stands nearby. A "v6" icon appears between panels.)
Panel 2:
Narration: As debate became more important, candidates began to write responses in advance.
Debater (pointing): Okay, if she questions your foreign policy blunder, select a comeback from section F-2.
Advisor: Yes! And mentioning your views on evolution, pick a new subject from section C-3.
Panel 3:
Narration: An arms race developed.
Man: If you get an L-3, reply with a 2-12 comeback and an accusation from F-1, 5-12, or A-3. That leaves her with only X-9, X-5, or A-7.
Panel 4:
Narration: Digital aid became necessary.
Narration: Political debates are basically chess with power. Now we've mapped all possibilities, candidates can just reference their schemes whenever their opponent says something.
Panel 5:
Narration: A debate without the potential for failure is like a car race without the potential for wrecks.
Woman at podium: Ratings for this year's presidential debate were exactly zero. Candidates failed to wash out of boredom.
Panel 6:
Narration: Once candidates became utterly reliant on computers, hacking became an issue.
Moderator: How come you voted to arm Latvia ah! 'The Lithuanians?'
Candidate (a man): Because I'm a total antisemite and any butt smells.
Panel 7:
Narration: Usership skyrocketed. The bulk of campaign money was dedicated to hacking. Since computers are easier to attack than defend, things got interesting.
Woman: The candidates spent two hours shouting ethnic slurs at each other.
Woman: Just like yesterday!
Panel 8:
Narration: The really interesting thing is that voting patterns never changed.
(A line graph with two squiggly, overlapping lines that barely diverge.)
Panel 9:
Narration: After all, if people cared about policy, well, that's all available on Wikipedia.
Man: Who you gonna vote for?
Other man: The tallest one.
Votey:
Woman (speech bubble): Candidates are now wearing stilts.
Narration: Politicians used to go into debates without a lot of preparation.
(A man at a podium speaks; another man stands nearby. A "v6" icon appears between panels.)
Panel 2:
Narration: As debate became more important, candidates began to write responses in advance.
Debater (pointing): Okay, if she questions your foreign policy blunder, select a comeback from section F-2.
Advisor: Yes! And mentioning your views on evolution, pick a new subject from section C-3.
Panel 3:
Narration: An arms race developed.
Man: If you get an L-3, reply with a 2-12 comeback and an accusation from F-1, 5-12, or A-3. That leaves her with only X-9, X-5, or A-7.
Panel 4:
Narration: Digital aid became necessary.
Narration: Political debates are basically chess with power. Now we've mapped all possibilities, candidates can just reference their schemes whenever their opponent says something.
Panel 5:
Narration: A debate without the potential for failure is like a car race without the potential for wrecks.
Woman at podium: Ratings for this year's presidential debate were exactly zero. Candidates failed to wash out of boredom.
Panel 6:
Narration: Once candidates became utterly reliant on computers, hacking became an issue.
Moderator: How come you voted to arm Latvia ah! 'The Lithuanians?'
Candidate (a man): Because I'm a total antisemite and any butt smells.
Panel 7:
Narration: Usership skyrocketed. The bulk of campaign money was dedicated to hacking. Since computers are easier to attack than defend, things got interesting.
Woman: The candidates spent two hours shouting ethnic slurs at each other.
Woman: Just like yesterday!
Panel 8:
Narration: The really interesting thing is that voting patterns never changed.
(A line graph with two squiggly, overlapping lines that barely diverge.)
Panel 9:
Narration: After all, if people cared about policy, well, that's all available on Wikipedia.
Man: Who you gonna vote for?
Other man: The tallest one.
Votey:
Woman (speech bubble): Candidates are now wearing stilts.
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic tracing the absurd escalation of political debate technology. Panel 1: a man at a podium and another man stand calmly; narration says politicians used to debate without much preparation. Panel 2: a debater and advisor coach each other to pick pre-written comebacks from labeled sections (F-2, C-3) as debate prep grows important. Panel 3: a man recites a chain of coded comeback and accusation codes (L-3, 2-12, F-1, X-9), an arms race developing. Panel 4: digital aid becomes necessary; debates are framed as 'chess with power' where candidates reference computer-mapped responses. Panel 5: a woman at a podium announces ratings for the presidential debate were exactly zero because candidates failed to 'wash out of boredom,' likened to a car race with no potential for wrecks. Panel 6: a moderator questions a candidate about arming Latvia ('The Lithuanians?'), and the hacked candidate spouts a nonsensical offensive non-sequitur about being antisemitic and butts smelling, illustrating that hacking became an issue. Panel 7: a woman reports candidates spent two hours shouting ethnic slurs at each other, 'just like yesterday,' as hacking dominates campaign spending. Panel 8: a line graph with two nearly identical squiggly lines shows voting patterns never changed. Panel 9: two men chat; one asks who the other will vote for, the other replies 'The tallest one,' since real policy is just on Wikipedia. Votey: a single panel of a smiling woman saying in a speech bubble, 'Candidates are now wearing stilts.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.