2014-05-31
Original: 2014-05-31 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): We conducted a psychology government. We can only afford ten subjects. So that'll have to do.
Panel 2 (caption): We found an extraordinary result!
Narration: All the women in the group were sexually attracted to noses. The larger the nose, the better.
Panel 3 (caption): It was published in Nature.
Magazine cover ("nature"): Every woman: nose in her heart
Panel 4 (caption): And the media picked it up.
Magazine ("seventeen"): Bigger nose, bigger orgasms. And other tips for him and his nose!
Magazine ("COSMOPOLITAN"): 99 perfect sex moves!
Panel 5 (caption): At which point all experts claimed prior knowledge.
Man in lab coat: I knew that! The nose has always been considered the most erogenous part of the middle face.
Woman: I've been saying this for years. Just never on the public record.
Panel 6 (caption): Media consumers incorporated it into their self-conceptions.
Blonde woman: I've always had a thing for noses.
Blonde man: I've always felt equally inadequate.
Panel 7 (caption): Later, we discovered a potential flaw.
Researcher: Hey, hundred do you get those five women, by the way?
Other researcher: Nose fetishists bar. Why?
Panel 8 (caption): Using our newfound fame, we were able to do a better study.
Researcher: What's the scientific way to say 'we fucked up'?
Woman: 'Effect diminished under empirical scrutiny.'
Panel 9 (caption): The results were ignored.
Man: I think a good headline would be 'experiment finds negative results.' What do you think? ... Hello?
Panel 10 (caption): The false result was so popular, it began to be true.
Man: It's time we had the sex talk. You shouldn't judge a guy by his nose size. But you'll want to. And, it's perfectly natural.
Panel 11 (caption): Within a generation, it was fact.
Woman: Bob, I love you. But I was looking at your eyes.
Man: My eyes are up here, Charlotte. Sorry. It's hard to tell.
Panel 12 (caption): Unable to stop it, we accepted fame, fortune and tenure. We watched as a field developed.
Professor: I've made your work more rigorous. Hannah Greenstock, the university is giving me my own department.
Panel 13 (caption): Later, cross-cultural studies finally cast doubt on the discovery.
Researcher: A newly-discovered tribe of Papua New Guineans are so bizarrely repressed, they see nothing sexy about noses.
Panel 14 (caption): We thought the false notion would finally die.
Older man: The truth is a stubborn thing.
Woman: Yes indeed, old friend.
Panel 15 (caption): We were wrong.
Aliens in a flying saucer with a crate labeled 'EROTIC NOSE IMPLANTS': We have come to liberate your minds!
Votey: A close-up of a man's face with a large nose. A speech bubble reads: "IT'S REAL."
Panel 2 (caption): We found an extraordinary result!
Narration: All the women in the group were sexually attracted to noses. The larger the nose, the better.
Panel 3 (caption): It was published in Nature.
Magazine cover ("nature"): Every woman: nose in her heart
Panel 4 (caption): And the media picked it up.
Magazine ("seventeen"): Bigger nose, bigger orgasms. And other tips for him and his nose!
Magazine ("COSMOPOLITAN"): 99 perfect sex moves!
Panel 5 (caption): At which point all experts claimed prior knowledge.
Man in lab coat: I knew that! The nose has always been considered the most erogenous part of the middle face.
Woman: I've been saying this for years. Just never on the public record.
Panel 6 (caption): Media consumers incorporated it into their self-conceptions.
Blonde woman: I've always had a thing for noses.
Blonde man: I've always felt equally inadequate.
Panel 7 (caption): Later, we discovered a potential flaw.
Researcher: Hey, hundred do you get those five women, by the way?
Other researcher: Nose fetishists bar. Why?
Panel 8 (caption): Using our newfound fame, we were able to do a better study.
Researcher: What's the scientific way to say 'we fucked up'?
Woman: 'Effect diminished under empirical scrutiny.'
Panel 9 (caption): The results were ignored.
Man: I think a good headline would be 'experiment finds negative results.' What do you think? ... Hello?
Panel 10 (caption): The false result was so popular, it began to be true.
Man: It's time we had the sex talk. You shouldn't judge a guy by his nose size. But you'll want to. And, it's perfectly natural.
Panel 11 (caption): Within a generation, it was fact.
Woman: Bob, I love you. But I was looking at your eyes.
Man: My eyes are up here, Charlotte. Sorry. It's hard to tell.
Panel 12 (caption): Unable to stop it, we accepted fame, fortune and tenure. We watched as a field developed.
Professor: I've made your work more rigorous. Hannah Greenstock, the university is giving me my own department.
Panel 13 (caption): Later, cross-cultural studies finally cast doubt on the discovery.
Researcher: A newly-discovered tribe of Papua New Guineans are so bizarrely repressed, they see nothing sexy about noses.
Panel 14 (caption): We thought the false notion would finally die.
Older man: The truth is a stubborn thing.
Woman: Yes indeed, old friend.
Panel 15 (caption): We were wrong.
Aliens in a flying saucer with a crate labeled 'EROTIC NOSE IMPLANTS': We have come to liberate your minds!
Votey: A close-up of a man's face with a large nose. A speech bubble reads: "IT'S REAL."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic with captions narrating the runaway career of a bad scientific result. A researcher (dark-haired woman) explains they conducted an underpowered psychology study with only ten subjects and found that all the women were sexually attracted to large noses. It gets published in 'Nature' (cover: 'Every woman: nose in her heart') and splashed across magazines like 'seventeen' and 'Cosmopolitan' ('99 perfect sex moves'). Experts in lab coats claim they knew it all along; ordinary people rewrite their self-image, one blonde woman saying 'I've always had a thing for noses' while a blonde man says 'I've always felt equally inadequate.' The researchers then realize the flaw, the five women were recruited at a nose-fetishists bar, and a better study debunks it ('effect diminished under empirical scrutiny'), but the negative result is ignored. The false belief becomes so popular it becomes culturally true: a father gives a sex talk about not judging men by nose size, and a woman tells 'Bob' she was looking at his eyes while he insists 'my eyes are up here, Charlotte.' The narrators accept fame and tenure as a whole academic field grows around the myth. Cross-cultural studies of a Papua New Guinean tribe finally cast doubt, and the researchers hope the falsehood will die, but in the final panel a flying saucer descends with a crate labeled 'EROTIC NOSE IMPLANTS,' aliens announcing 'We have come to liberate your minds!' Votey: a close-up of a man's face with a prominent large nose, a speech bubble declaring 'IT'S REAL.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.